Women Who Escaped Abusive Relationships Share Tips - AskReddit

Women Who Escaped Abusive Relationships Share Tips - AskReddit

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she stuffed some clothes in her car drove across the country and lived in her car showering at a gym got a job at a call center and from there rebuild her life women who got out of abusive relationships what tips do you have for someone who's making their getaway plan what about for the people helping them get away use some money to get a burner phone keep it hidden away where the person can't find it use library computers to look up resources such as emergency housing you can even ask the librarian to help you since they
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probably have no connection to the person unless you live in a small town get as much of your personal records as possible birth certificate SSN medical records and lastly your passport and driver's license I would recommend that the person who helps you should be someone who doesn't know the person who you are getting away from give them a picture of the person at all the other information like their car license plate number make and model as well as the person's phone number a good cover-up story of why you know each other is a book club or something like that never
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tell abuser where you are meeting up when your abuser isn't home take as much of your things that you would absolutely need out of the house with receipts if possible that wouldn't be noticeable and try to store it away in a cheap storage unit if you can afford it only take essentials things that you know you might need to survive on your own if you suspect that your abuser has tracked your phone or other things leave them when you finally leave during the time of planning try to keep as much money hidden away as possible if possible have a trusted individual make a separate
01:32
bank account for you and store the money away until you can get away after you leave contact the courthouse and file a restraining order against the abuser with all evidence there are many organizations that can help you get away from an abuser good luck not exactly relevant because I was a surprise helper to someone but be prepared to get them away as soon as possible I was at a friend's house one night and an old acquaintance from school showed up not knowing my friend didn't drive she asked if she could get a ride somewhere friend told her she
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didn't drive and her boyfriend was out sorry when she said she was trying to get away from an abusive relationship but it was okay she'd figure it out I went to the door and told her I'd take her it was late at night a bit of a drive and she didn't really have any gas money but I told her no problem the important thing was to get her out so we piled into my car and I drove her 30 miles to the nearest place that had a bus leaving within an hour she'd been squirreling away money and had a chance that night to look up a bus schedule while he was gone she packed
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one bag and walked out going to the person's house she thought of first just to make sure we stayed until we knew she had her ticket and would be safe we said our goodbyes and I haven't talked to her since but I do know she got to where she was going and he didn't find her it's honestly one of the most important things I've ever done in my life so yeah if she comes to you at an inconvenient time and says she's ready to leave right now leave right now it might be her only chance stash money away in a secret
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place or with a very very trusted friend $2 $5 anything put it away and forget about it inside a mattress inside a pair of shoes in a tampon box anywhere they want look take photos of every event in secret and put it in an album in your facebook marked private and delete photos of your phone no one can see what you post in the Facebook album marked private try to get them without being at all obvious to admit over email or text abusers always have a cycle of abusing
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then apologizing get them to do it via text screenshot it save it to the same private Facebook photo folder I couldn't leave my abuser and had always threatened to kick me out if I ended things so he had power over me so I stashed money and moved the hell out I apart men hunted via online from work and took an hour off work to go look at them so he was none the wiser he confessed everything in an email trying to apologize to get me back I took it to my Victim advocate and filed a restraining order through the court
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someone replied do not stash cash cash can be stolen easily plus then it looks like you were planning an escape or hiding money from an abuser if he or she finds it when they go through your stuff you can go to any currency exchange or pharmacy or grocery store and buy called stored value cards these look like credit cards but can actually be used just like a credit or debit card to get cash from an ATM you can exchange cash for a stored value card they are reloadable so you can keep putting money on them and a single card
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is much less suspicious and easier to hide if found you can always say it's an old credit card they can be hidden in shoes bras etc because they are flat lightweight and not bulky like cash and you don't have to worry about accidentally getting them wet someone else replied when I hid money I kept it in a hidden envelope with Christmas money written on it my plan was if my ex found it and confronted me I'd say I was saving up to surprise him with a new Xbox or whatever that he'd been saying
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that he wanted I highly recommend doing something similar things that helped me a lot after and during leaving have the police involved they did a domestic standby for me which means I could get my things in peace don't be alone I stayed with a friend the first few weeks and she had to talk me down from going back to him and remind me of all the awful things he'd done multiple times a day go no contact they can be so manipulative and you were in a vulnerable state right now you don't need to see that change all passwords
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and have a tech savvy person look over your electronic devices for trackers key loggers etc let as many people know as you feel comfortable with so many people helped me out but if they don't know they can help also for me personally telling my story was therapeutic I was silenced for so long it was extremely relieving to speak freely and truthfully good luck love make sure you know where things are like paperwork you'll need keep things nicely organized in a way that when it's time to pack you
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know where it's all at and can do it in like 10 minutes if you have kids do not leave them with the abuser he can and will use them to hurt you and can file custody saying you abandoned them it is very important that you let their school or daycare know what's going on and take him or anyone in his family off the emergency contacts or pickup list tell your school or place of work what's going on to your co-workers babysitter's and teachers need to know what's up and see a photo of him make sure you're able to stay hidden meaning try not to do unnecessary public
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activities for a while always have at least one person with you're at all times when going grocery shopping or whatever if possible change doctors offices etc so he can't stalk and wait for you there don't forget to remove him from any emergency contacts lists if you usually go to Walmart switch to a different grocery possibly in a different town arm yourself if you aren't comfortable with a gun fine try a nightstick baton knife pepper spray my dad says wasp spray is better a stun
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gun or those self-defense key rings that go on your fingers or between them don't park your car anywhere visible and always check the back seat bed of the truck etc always ask someone to walk you to your vehicle keep weapons in there and on your keys if you're escaping to a location he knows of always check locks on doors and windows stay armed when possible don't leave identifies outside like your car or kids toys don't open the door for anyone you're not expecting also file police reports and get a protective
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order they don't always do much but at least you'll have a paper trail not the target of the question but passionate about helping if you are employed be sure to engage your leader or HR department a lot of reputable companies have policies to support domestic violence victims however most people don't know about them or to embarrass to use them our company provides emergency funding for rent and bonds I had a storage unit I slowly moved things there a little at a time so he wouldn't notice I made copies of all papers and keys and
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kept them in the unit I talked to the police ahead of time and told them the situation so they knew of my number and showed up to come right away I also recorded the abuse without the abuser knowing and had proof for the prosecutor he ended up with a felony because I had proof i stashed away about five thousand dollars a little bit at a time I was always the one to buy groceries and I found that I could get cash back of forty to sixty dollars and it would go unnoticed every little bit of money I put away and there felt like freedom getting closer I grew happier and more hopeful with
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each deposit and when I had enough for deposit and rent it for a new place plus a little extra for an emergency fund I knew I was finally free I finally called him out on his crap without fear of being homeless or forced to stay in that miserable place and have since had literally the happiest year of my life my mother did it when I was a kid my stepfather was a nasty piece of work but a smart bastard the most important thing is to communicate the victim needs to let some people know have all the facts friends trusted people family police
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associations anyone that's a form of safety violence and abuse don't like being put into the light abusers he is shame and secrecy to keep control be sure to warn the police of the situation not in an emergency call just go meet them and explain what's happening and what you plan to do they got ways to help before doing anything it's a good idea to set up a free email Dropbox or other online clouds and put online every legal document paperwork or anything useful goal is to leave the smallest amount of control in the hands of the
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abuser money is another form of control stashing money or having a secured income can help my mom just borrowed money from friends and family now as the helper you got to know that there's several things that can make someone hesitate fear shame and feeling helpless you help people by being understanding by removing all things that can prevent the person to actually go away that can be helping to find a new job a place to crash money safety your job if you're willing to help is just to be pragmatic and
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offer solutions the victim is often too deep in an emotional rollercoaster to think clearly and if she's overwhelmed she can make mistakes have a new phone number and email address ready to use have people you can go to who your partner doesn't know where they live etcetera this can be work friends or through a women's shelter tell your employer what is going on so they can ensure you have time off support and make sure no one lets on where you are delete all social media accounts so they can't find you delete and block their numbers so you can't contact them when
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you have a moment of weakness be very selective what friends you tell where you've moved to if possible only tell one at a time a week apart so if he does randomly show up you know who let you down tell the police before you leave most police forces have a way of helping you get out they can also put your contact details on a Ted alert list so if they get a call from your number they know to blue light it have someone you can call when you have the urge to call your abuser and you will wonder at some point it's just your brain playing tricks on you speak to them about how you feel and get it off your chest
11:26
stay strong and avoid drugs and alcohol for a bit this is one drunk-dial you don't want to make I've helped two friends leave their abusive partners a good friend of mine tried everything and always somehow ended up back with her abusive husband one day she just out of the blue stuff some clothes and personal effects in her car drove across the country and lived in her car showering and similar at a gym got a job at a call center where I met her and from there rebuilt her life divorced the rectum by mail she's one of the strongest most
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determined people I know and I greatly admire her one time when it came up organically she said she finally left the way she did because it was either that or kill him and I didn't want to spend my life in prison for the piece of human excrement I see a lot of solid advice here but I'd like to throw something into the mix once you have left stop lying to protect your abuser and your reputation tell the people in your life explicitly why you are leaving and why they should not listen to your abuser when he or she reaches out prepare a metal backlog of the lies you
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told to the people that matter and explain all the times you covered up for your abuser and then ask them to please protect you if only by not sharing anything about you or your whereabouts with your abuser be prepared for disbelief or for your abuser to try to control the narrative but hopefully the people in your life will choose to help you good luck someone replied this reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago I left my abuser and didn't tell anyone the one person I tried to open up two weeks before I was able to leave
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actually told him I was leaving she wanted to help so I just disappeared from everyone a few weeks ago I got a call from a close friend and we started talking about my ex and everything my friend cried and apologized profusely saying that he too believed my ex until about a year after I was gone when he watched it happen to my ex's current girlfriend he said it was so much less obvious with me because I was always so kind enough beeped and she is a shell of who she used to be it felt great to be validated by someone even after all my
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ex's lies someone believed me I didn't have to open up or convince him how I was just trying to be okay and of course I didn't look like the battered person I actually was thanks for listening to this more serious Radio TTS video hit the subscribe button and activate the bell for more real life videos like this and please don't look away if you notice someone being abused share your escape ideas in the comments below maybe someone in need will read them [Music]

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