When enablers excuse narcissists by insisting that they are just being honest

When enablers excuse narcissists by insisting that they are just being honest

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00:06
hi everyone it's dr romini and welcome back to this youtube channel on narcissism it's my hope that what you hear on this channel is going to help you make sense of and understand what are very very difficult and hard to navigate people and situations and hopefully this will make it easier so we've been having a series on the different things that narcissistic enablers say as i've often said the enablers often do as much damage as the narcissistic people themselves because of them many times the narcissists get to keep doing what they do
00:36
and that's the real tragedy of it part of what keeps narcissism in place is the enabling by understanding the things that the enablers say it can help break you out of a cycle of self-blame and stop taking responsibility now has anyone ever said this about a narcissist in your life oh come on now he's just brutally honest now i've talked about this i've talked about this as an excuse narcissists make for themselves again this is a sort of the enabler version of i'm just speaking my truth or in fact
01:08
the narcissistic people themselves will just say i'm brutally honest like which again like i said i know i've done a video on this that by now you've likely heard this is different now basically narcissistic enablers are looking for that path forward to keep supporting the narcissists and their agendas and to but more than that it's less that they're all about the narcissist is that the enablers want to maintain the status quo for themselves and this ah they're just brutally honest
01:39
is an enabling statement that we often see happening in families couples workplaces and friendships now after the narcissist says something cruel or critical or just plain mean the enablers will hit back with oh come on now they're just brutally honest there's this trope out there in the world that people who are willing to be painfully honest possess some kind of
02:09
bold virtue that if a person is willing to take the risk and be horribly honest then somehow that is courageous and perhaps they are doing some kind of good thing for the unfortunate individual on the receiving end of this brutal honesty enablers will also lump this under things like tough love there are times all of us face a moment when we want to tell
02:41
someone something that's not very pleasant for example that maybe a friend picks out a wedding dress or some other dress that's not flattering or their partner is cheating on them or that they don't have a chance at getting the job that they want to get and sometimes we do step up and say it and sometimes we take the path of believing that this isn't worth burning down the relationship obviously it's going to vary situation to situation
03:13
to share information that's honest but potentially hurtful is very difficult in fact it's a healthy person's empathy self-awareness compassion and kindness that often stop them from sharing feedback that is highly unpleasant and yes i am aware that what could also be playing a part here is cowardice or fear of losing the friendship or not wanting to be the executioner all of those are also reasons that people hold back as about telling
03:45
sort of hard truths they figure let the person learn on their own that's not necessarily a bad thing however when we're armed with mindfulness and compassion there may also be another way to deliver news instead of that wedding dress looks awful on you or there's no way in hell you're getting that job who do you think you are we could try alternative approaches such as like hey how about you try on lots of looks it'll be super fun to watch you do that and we just rank them together or
04:16
let's talk about the pros and cons of that job and also some other options just in case there are in fact gentle collaborative ways to nudge people to viewing other perspectives and ultimately if they still are resistant to our feedback it's their lesson to learn right but this video is really about the enablers gambit to suggest that being cruel or saying things in an unnecessarily cruel way is just brutal honesty the unfiltered
04:47
impulsive unempathic non-self-reflective manner of narcissistic communication means that inevitably people's feelings get hurt by them and sometimes the person affected might speak to the enabler who then chalks up the hurtful way that the information was delivered to just being ah he's just brutally honest all of us whether we're narcissistic or not are capable of brutal honesty i've done it you've
05:20
done it it happens sometimes we have to speak to an unpleasant truth we have to speak an unpleasant truth to someone and in general it doesn't feel very good afterwards but maybe we feel we need to do it to keep someone safe or protect them from much worse consequences it may have been necessary in that circumstance but for most healthy people it's not a regular occurrence to share really intense brutal truths right the regular unfiltered tendency though of a narcissistic person
05:51
to say what they want when they want because they're again they're so impulsive it happens quite regularly for them it can easily be minimized with them always telling everyone the truth as simply being brutal honesty when in fact what it really is is unnecessary cruelty deliberate unkindness and it happens far too often this isn't a rare event that for regular people would be delivering painful but necessary feedback this so-called brutal honesty may be a
06:22
daily occurrence i've talked with many many people who had parents who were often termed brutally honest by other people these folks had recollections of a childhood characterized by dismissive criticism cruel jabs about their abilities about their appearance about their weight by unkind comparisons to siblings or other children the enablers in the family system
06:53
may have tried to write off this unnecessary and cruel communication as brutal honesty but it was far far more than just that and the child who doesn't know to question the parent and wouldn't feel that they could question the parent and may keep trying to please the unpleasable parent will hear from the family enablers that their parent is just brutally honest but for a child to hear that it is
07:25
honest means that there may actually be truth to what the parent is saying so it's actually a very harmful precedent this i mean enabling kind of branding on narcissism that it is they're just a person who says it like it is that they're courageous and honest for speaking their truth it does a lot of damage to the people who are in the crosshairs of this so-called brutal honesty honesty
07:58
like most important things in life does not need to be brutal there is always a more reasonable intentional and compassionate way forward the enablers in fact are the ones who are the least honest with themselves and are willing to throw you under the bus to maintain their illusions about the people and the situations
08:28
around them so when an enabler tries to invoke this idea of ah that narcissist if they're just brutally honest recognize the game they're trying to play and start setting boundaries not just around the narcissistic person but around the enablers as well thanks again

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