How to Let Go of Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

How to Let Go of Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity

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are you ready to divorce your adult children this is not a trick question lots of women in their 60s are realizing that their relationship with their son or their daughter isn't the Hallmark card reality that they may have expected when they started off on that life journey of being a mother I want to talk to you today about this this really hidden secret in our society the relationship between mothers and their adult children and how sometimes it is really a better idea to be at peace and letting things go this is Margaret
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Manning with 16 me and I'm really happy to have you here today for this conversation I think it's a really important one it's one that we haven't touched on before and it is uncovering a lot of emotion and feelings that women in their 60s are are dealing with now the author of this article Kim Halsey wrote about her own personal experience and I would love you to read that article because it's very personal and I'm sure a lot will relate to it but the challenges that society makes a family
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that is not you know perfectly aligned and loving and then sweet to each other as some kind of a negative thing but it happens you know a lot of families have got challenges that come at them from all different sides and dr. Christine Northrup actually makes a note that women you know who have children or have the hormones of that childbirth in their body for 30 years this this a bonding protective hormone that is goes into the woman's body to protect their child and
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for that so that means that a daughter or son is in their early 30s and the woman is going through menopause when you suddenly realize sometimes that you know lives have diverged in different ways and they're just not the you know the way that you perhaps anticipated that they would be so when it comes to children within who are adult children they are living their own lives they have got other influences coming into their world your son has married perhaps a woman who you don't understand or you
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have a good relationship with they may be blocking your access or she may be blocking the access to your your grandchildren and then your daughter may have married a man whose family wants more of a close relationship and is you know eliminating you from activities and and conversations and decisions when this is what's really really hard there is no norm in relationships anymore so you can't look at any family or any configuration and say that's a
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perfectly relation normal relationship it just doesn't exist women on the whole are expected to be the responsible ones you know mothers are meant to be the protective mother forever and ever and responsible for every decision everything you know that goes wrong in your child Charles life I remember many times is when my children were younger teenagers particularly you know when something would go wrong something would happen I would want to absorb all that pain I would just sit there and say please just
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let me take it on for you know you know not to them but many times to myself and that's the kind of responsibility that a lot of older women feel towards their adult children and we're expected or we expect ourselves to understand them in all dimensions mentally physically as like psychologically and it just doesn't work like that so the way that Kim describes this in her own situation is she actually inherited some children when she married a second time so there was stepchildren plus her own children and you can imagine how complex that
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kind of mixed family relationship entails and many of you probably are dealing with that kind of relationship you've got children that you mean married into or you know you've got children who for whatever reason just have evolved and grown in ways that you did not expect things happen things happen in their workplace in their in their school you know things that you don't have always a lot of control over so I think that that's you know go start beating yourself up and realize maybe it
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is time to in quotes divorce your adult children okay and along with that a quote goes all the pain and the challenged and the dynamic of name-calling blaming regrets that goes along with a divorce from a man or from a woman so what is healthy when it comes to adult children so this is what Kim tries to grapple with because unless the relationship is kind of coming to equal partners and they are considerate of
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your point of view and you're considerate of theirs they are making an effort to understand what you might need then there really isn't any way that you're going to be able to move forward across the to the timing with your with your children you may experience very close moments when they come to you and really want healing and help and advice and you then you can you know you can do that you can feel connected but there are going to be times when you just have to have a separation because they've
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gone different ways they've made different decisions and a lot of times it's hard because for a son or a daughter for example who falls in love and marries a woman or a man and really loves them deeply and wants to please them that that kind of connection has nothing to do with you this has got there this is their love and when that woman or man says I don't want your mom to be close to the children or they don't get on with you or they're jealous or whatever you can list all the reasons your your son or daughter can't really
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do anything about it because their prime concern is their family their wife their husband their children so you know that that is the most heartbreaking thing in my opinion when women grandmothers are not allowed to see their grandchildren and I have many friends actually who are fighting battles off on with themselves every single day on this and you came as saying hey you know our life suddenly becomes an illusion you know it's not real it's not fun it's not it's not what
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we wanted as we are now older women in our 60s or 70s we've done our best and I think that's what we have to you know realize is that anywhere along the path we've our best so she says you've got to make peace with yourself as well as with the family member the son or daughter and decide whether it's time to maybe not divorce huh and have a separation and then then it will come back maybe everything as everyone matures and gets older and the children get older things
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will you know come back but don't in my opinion build barriers build wolves that you can never break down again I think that's the most dangerous thing just accept that this time there's going to be some distance so the distance that she talks about in this this conversation is the distance that you that you create between yourself and your world and this is the perfectly hidden depression that dr. Martha Margaret Rutherford talks about where
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we're depressed we're sad we walk in the world and we are full of tears inside of us but we smile and we carry on that is the distance that we start to create when we have an unhappy family relationship if we feel so guilty like it shouldn't be like this you know it should be happier it should be more perfect whatever whatever definition that is it's really hard so the divorce you know the divorce is a really hard word and we know this from our precedent what a marriage that didn't work
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we know that divorce hurts so badly that you feel so insecure and so it just shatters you and makes you a broken person in so many ways and that it takes years you know to overcome whatever it was at the heart of that separation whether it was you know adultery or whether it was just an alcohol problem or some kind of other addiction whether it was just a change that both of you have made in your growing up as adults together whatever it was that stays with
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you forever and ever and it's it's a broken broken feeling inside of you that's hard to heal and this is the same that that Kim talks about when you're divorcing your adult children you know some people this may seem completely unrealistic and so cruel and like you may say in the comments below I'd never do that I would never divorce my adult children divorcing quotes I would never let them go but then others of you I know are going to get this you're going to
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understand this and why Kim suggests that divorcing your adult children is the only thing that you can do sometimes to maintain your sanity and that sanity is what we talked about this isn't this pain that won't go away they keep you keep ignoring which you've got to embrace so when it's done you've got to find a place of acceptance and Kim does a lot of talking about this in her article which I really liked that she didn't just stop it at the you know do the divorce and be on with it it was like you've got to heal you've got
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to accept that your life right now is where it is your I don't children are not going to be a part of it or they're going to be a part of it in a different way than you ever expected and that's I think the acceptance and you have to become dedicated to reality at all costs you can't hide behind an illusion or behind a myth that somehow this this relationship is going to suddenly overnight to get better you know what's next so what's next for your children well Kim says sure I've done stuff
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differently yes did I make mistakes of course did you do you regret those mistakes sometimes but you have to you know pull it all together and look at this has always been children live their own lives we give them roots we've got to give them wings we've got to allow them to fly their own way and then we've got to break the shame about this so if you are a woman who is dealing with a situation with an adult child you have to go into great detail about it but if you want to just leave your comments below you know do you find yourself in
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the process of letting go of a relationship with an adult child I would really like to hear your story and I think what help others so please leave your comments below and know that we've got a lot of store articles that actually about this topic on our website and some resources that you might want to join I know on Facebook there's a couple of really good size for estranged women with a strange children and I really encourage you to go back to sixty Emmy website and check those out public's been good chatting about this is kind of a heartbreaking one isn't it I mean even you know thinking about some
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of my own situations it's just you know did they're hard but we have to do the best we can and we have to think about ourselves as well we have to put ourselves in a some primary position and love ourselves take good care everybody have a wonderful day we'll talk again about this topic and many many others soon bye bye for now

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