Narcissistic Victim Syndrome Complex PTSD | What Recovery Looks Like

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome Complex PTSD | What Recovery Looks Like

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hello friends today i'm talking about what cptsd recovery looks like i get asked this so often in my coaching practice people will say michelle what does it look like and how long does it take so i thought i would explain the stages and basically tell you guys what i wish i knew when i was starting out on my healing journey okay so with that in mind let's get started for those that don't know me my name is michelle i'm a life and relationship coach and i'm the founder of the thriver school of transformation which is a monthly
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membership where we meet weekly live and we learn how to put everything i talk about on this channel into practice so if that's interesting for you make sure you check out the links in the description box below so the healing journey i would say the very beginning of healing and actually this isn't healing this is just what it's like pre-healing okay before you even start your healing journey the majority of people lived most of their life thinking that they were the problem you were probably
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convinced that there's something wrong with you you're defective that everything that's going wrong in life is somehow all your fault and that all the behaviors that you're seeing in the other person are somehow your responsibility okay for a long time you stay stuck in that and you were probably trying harder and harder to please until finally thankfully you stumbled across information that helped you to know that there's something wrong with this person
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and it feels really good to fall into that information because for a long time you knew in your gut that something was off but through gaslighting and coercive abuse emotional psychological manipulation everything was always twisted to make it look like it was your fault so when you finally realize that okay everything you thought was right was true in the sense that you knew that it was wrong that these behaviors were wrong now you have names
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for behaviors that you've been dealing with for a long time i had a client recently tell me michelle i didn't even know these behaviors had names i knew that i was in repetitive relationships that were similar they all had something in common they all seemed to act the same way she's like but i didn't know what it was so i had my own little names for for those behaviors and when she finally stumbled on the fact that these behaviors really do have names it was just so eye-opening and so validating
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right so that's what happens next you start gaining information that helps you to come out of the fog you're still not healing yet okay right now you are learning why you've been suffering right you're getting the pieces to the puzzle that are explaining what has been going on in your life so once you get through that period most people wind up detoxing themselves from anyone that is destroying them emotionally in one way
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or another whether it's you become of age and you're able to leave home right from your toxic parents or you're in a relationship and you realize that this is destroying you and you put boundaries down which can either cause the person to discard or you realize that your life isn't safe with this person and you leave the relationship right that's what usually happens next and real healing can't really start until you get to that phase because it's almost like if a plant is
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in soil that's doesn't have the nutrients to maintain its life and you're watering it and you're giving it sunlight and you're hoping that this plant flourishes well eventually it's going to be a losing battle because the soil doesn't have the nutrients to sustain that life so it's the same thing with the relationship you finally realize that this relationship doesn't have the nutrients to support a healthy reciprocal non-abusive dynamics so most people wind up
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you know discarding or being discarded at this point that's when real healing can begin and i'm going to be honest when we get to this stage i don't think people are always ready for the depth of healing that they have to go through because the focus up until this point has been the other person looking at the other person getting your life away from somebody that's trying to emotionally suffocate you so when you finally get out it's not until that moment that you realize all the damage that has been
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done and you have to work through undoing that damage and it's then that you realize that you have complex ptsd it's very much like somebody that's at war while they're in battle they're not exhibiting signs of ptsd they are doing everything they have to they're they're fulfilling their assignments exactly how they need to it's when they leave that situation and they come home and they no longer have to be in survival mode that they fall apart
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and it's almost like the body and the brain don't know how to turn off the survival mode that's what happens with complex ptsd you leave the relationship and you're thinking life is going to be great because i'm not going to have to be abused anymore and suddenly your brain and your body wind up acting in ways that are challenging and so that brings me to the first step of recovery or the first level i should say of recovery the first level
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of recovery is noticing your symptoms coming to realize how your brain your mind your body is behaving you start realizing the side effects of what you went through and i'm going to read this list of symptoms and you can evaluate how many you've had and keep in mind that it's not an all-inclusive list but it's just to give you an idea of some of the symptoms that people display when they start realizing they have they may have
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ptsd reliving the experience through flashbacks or having emotional flashbacks or reliving the experience through dreams or nightmares not being able to feel your emotions so you feel very numb dissociation and this could include disconnecting from others but it also includes being or feeling disconnected from yourself negative alternations in mood like you're flipping from one negative mood to another it's very challenging to be able to
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control your emotional states you have problems relating to others social anxiety problems in relationships a strong negative self perception such as feeling worthless or defeated hyper arousal feeling angry irritable having sleep issues hyper vigilance such as feeling on constant alert are being very sensitive to smells and noise and light avoidance so you try to avoid
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anything or anyone that winds up triggering you some behaviors that show up as symptoms are needing validation constantly seeking approval analyzing people or self being overly nice people pleasing alcohol obsessing about people who wronged you having impulsive behavior feeling strong feelings like blame resentment rumination and honestly the list can go on and on there are a lot of symptoms of
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complex ptsd and so you start to notice all these things going on inside of you right in order to calm them this part of the recovery honestly it's about shifting the focus from the other person right because up until this point it was all about the other person but once you get to this point healing really begins when you start focusing on self and the strongest thing that you can do at this point
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is not think about the other person in all honesty one of the most effective things you can do at this point is focus on things that can help you to balance or gain regulation again in your brain okay there's a lot of different things i've made many different videos but getting brain regulation at this point is vital because until your brain feels safe enough to get you out of survival mode you won't be able to move to the next stage okay so the first stage is all
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about getting your body and your brain regulated again once that takes place right and now your body and your brain are regulated enough and calm enough that you can go one layer deeper which is noticing the disordered thinking patterns that have become well-worn pathways in your mind due to what you've lived okay so the thinking patterns may be things like i'm not good enough i'm going to fail at everything why
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bother i don't matter there's all these thinking patterns that are driving the feelings and the actions or lack of actions that are keeping you feeling like you're still stuck in the thrivers school of transformation when one of the members gets to this place gets to this spot they'll often say things like you know i noticed that i always did this behavior and now that i'm slowing down enough i'm realizing the thought
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that has always pushed that behavior so that's the next layer is you notice the thoughts and the beliefs that are driving your behaviors that keep you in symptoms in those symptoms that i mentioned the next step is really challenging because what you start to notice as you're noticing these thoughts that are trying to keep you in the same behaviors that you've been stuck in for a long time you'll feel at war with yourself okay so for example you may want to develop self-love so
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you're thinking i love myself but there's these thoughts that are pushing you to stay in the belief i'm not worthy so every time you want to exercise self-love you'll begin to notice your own mind trying to prevent you from going there and the reason for this is because our brain likes habit our our subconscious mind is a habit mind and while our conscious mind can change quickly our subconscious mind
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it takes time to start working through and and upgrade a belief so its job is to keep your beliefs your reality so if you're starting to operate outside of a belief that you've had for a long time your mind then is trying to work against you to keep you in alignment with that belief so this part of recovery is about rewiring your subconscious thoughts your subconscious beliefs and upgrading them to more healthier beliefs as you begin
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to kind of override the negative beliefs you're kind of peeling it back right it's like an onion you're peeling it back and now that you're seeing those beliefs you're analyzing them you're trying to change them to more empowering beliefs every time you start going in the direction of the positive you will get a glimpse of your core wound okay it's not till now that you actually get a glimpse of that core wound and when i say core wound i'm talking about a wound
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that was so detrimental to your self-image the wound is probably i'm not enough i'm i'm bad right i'm worthless the wound caused you to to have such a distaste for self because whoever inflicted that wound that's basically what they made you feel and so we tend to internalize that and when it was inflicted right especially if it was inflicted in childhood
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kids can't take that kind of pain so when you are made to feel that way by people that are supposed to keep you alive the brain develops coping skills and the coping skill that it develops is to numb out that pain numb it out focus on symptoms focus on the other person focus on the story just don't look here that's what the brain is trying to keep you from doing so as you're peeling back the layers and you get to the spot where you still want to move forward but
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the body knows that we need to feel it to heal it right so it's almost like a war inside you you need to feel it to heal it but your brain's like no you can't handle that so let's just keep on focusing on the other person the next layer then would be learning how to be comfortable in the discomfort of the emotions that come up in your body and this is not easy because your brain remembers it from the perception of if it happened in childhood
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it remembers it from the perception of that child that this is like a life or death wound this is so over overbearing that it's too much so you're going to feel it from that level and in the beginning it's scary you know you want to run from it or you want to get so busy that you don't notice it some people unfortunately want to numb it through alcohol or medication but when we start realizing that this is just the piece of us
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that's that's still hurt but if we can heal this peace life will be so different so learning to sit with that emotion letting it come up at this stage something that's really helpful is re-parenting learning how to repair it yourself when those emotions come up because if you treat yourself harshly when those intense emotions come up your brain will numb them out again and will hide them from you and will prevent you from moving forward
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because it doesn't feel like those emotions are safe with you so you actually have to have so much compassion and so much self-love when those emotions show up if you want to move to the next stage and that next stage is processing and releasing those stuck emotions that are part of the core wound okay and when you do that what happens is you begin to live life from your authentic self okay because
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the peace that's wounded the peace that's been numbed out is your authentic self and when you get back in touch with that authentic self you realize how many years you've been living unconscious so that's a quick that's a very quick way of describing the layers of healing but i do want to say it takes time this is not something you learn and then in two months you're like i did my car wound and i'm good if you really want to heal completely it
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can take probably and i'm you know doing an average here but it could take probably about a year year and a half for you to work through it all and i'm going to be honest in my face-to-face coaching i usually get people that are at different stages of this recovery right or different layers i should say and sometimes it's a symptom that someone wants to work on sometimes it's a belief sometimes they're feeling numb and they want to stop feeling numb they want to get in touch with that wound
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but what i notice about healing is that people will pick at it they'll see a tiny change and then they'll stop and they'll think that everything's fine only to come back like six months later and feel like you know they're back at square one so my advice to you is to find something that helps you to get all the way there because if you don't if you don't get to the place where your new beliefs are now your default beliefs where your
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new empowered emotions and thoughts are your now your default emotions and thoughts your brain will always slip back to what's familiar and what is the default which means healing can feel like you're going up a hill and sliding back down and going up a hill again and sliding back down so find something that you're able to stick with long enough to make the changes stick and if you need any help in that area make sure you check out the thriver school of transformation because that's
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its goal to help people to work through cptsd until it sticks until who you are your authentic self is your default self we meet live weekly so that you have the weekly support encouragement and tools necessary and it's a beautiful community of people from all over the world so if doing it alone is taking years and you're still not seeing the results make sure you check out the link in the description below

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