When you put all of your time and effort into a narcissistic relationship

When you put all of your time and effort into a narcissistic relationship

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00:06
hi everyone it's doctor romini welcome back to this youtube channel related to all kinds of things related to narcissism and did you know dr romini loves her some proverbs because never has there been a more rich source of wisdom or bad lessons on narcissistic relationships so today we're going to take on don't put all your eggs in one basket any anyone who has ideas from our proverbs just keeps sending them our way because i'm loving looking into each of them now i i spend some time researching these videos interestingly
00:36
i researched this one on easter the eggs baskets sort of ironic right so what's the story with this one it's the proverb that's just as it sounds and you likely have heard this proverb or some variant of this proverb since you were a child basically it's saying don't stake everything on one thing lest it doesn't work out it was originally a proverb found in spanish and italian and then it showed up in cervantes don quixote in the mid 1600s in writing so literally if you put
01:08
all your eggs in one basket and then you drop the basket then you're out of luck no eggs so what's the narcissism link here there's actually a few first a narcissistic relationship is often about a person putting too much stock in that one relationship and over time as you invest more and more of yourself into the relationship and you recognize how toxic the relationship is with time you may feel there are few or no other
01:40
options if i had a buck for everyone who said to me i have to stick this relationship out i have already put so much time into it this relationship is not a this is not a financial investment it's your life and in this way a person starts putting all of their belief in stock into this one narcissistic relationship so when the narcissistic relationship goes wrong and it will go wrong a person has already invested too much because that's what narcissistic relationships require
02:11
too much people will look back and reflect on the fact that they sacrificed opportunities perhaps education or career they may have sacrificed other things like having a child or having as many children as they wanted or they gave in to wanting they gave in to having children they didn't even want children they may have sacrificed their voice their authenticity the things that they wanted from life to make this relationship work why
02:43
because people in narcissistic relationships struggle they always just want to be enough somewhere they believed if i am just enough and kept at it and put all of themselves into this relationship and then all of those eggs are in that one basket called a narcissistic relationship that ultimately falls and then boom the eggs are broken and so too is your hearts a signature element of narcissistic relationships is isolation even the most
03:15
grandiose extroverted hail fellow well-met narcissist will isolate they may have a robust social world and may not be the traditional cut you off from everyone controlling person like we might see for example in domestic violence but what happens is narcissists speak so badly about everyone and criticize you and make it so unpleasant that social gatherings feel unpleasant and you feel too ashamed to talk about your relationships because you don't understand what's
03:47
happening to you and nobody else does either or a narcissist may take the traditional route of isolation they complain when you see family or friends they imply that you aren't into the relationship because you want to spend time with other people they become jealous or suspicious or brooding and angry when you are having a nice time with other people you know the drill and so you will become more and more isolated thinking that
04:18
once they feel comfortable with you then they will be good with your family and friends but that doesn't ever seem to happen or narcissistic people will just be so malcontented they speak badly about everyone and you get so exhausted at defending not just the human race but the people you care about that you just give up or they are threatened by your work and collegial relationships so you may socialize less with those folks too and before you know it
04:49
all your eggs are in one basket they've isolated you from everyone and they become the only game in town once you recognize that it is not healthy well all of those damned eggs are in that one narcissistic basket and you have cut out from your sources of social support and may not feel comfortable talking about this with other people and many therapists may not get it or you don't even feel comfortable talking about it in therapy
05:19
then even with the recognition that this narcissistic relationship is not healthy you feel powerless to change it and you do find that you did put all your eggs in one basket and now the basket has fallen and there's nothing you can do about it now obviously this could also happen with workplace narcissism and you may give up other opportunities
05:49
or go all in on a business partnership and bam if it is a narcissistic situation you may lose your investment time or intellectual property or if you work with a narcissist in a field where their reputation still holds credibility you may not get an important recommendation or reference that you sorely need to get another job the basket falls the eggs break
06:21
in a family it can again be about a controlling narcissistic family member maybe suggesting that you go into a family investment together or move in with them or something that makes you vulnerable but you fall into it thinking that hey it's family family has each other's back right no not when it is a narcissistic family system and then when things go wrong and they will go wrong
06:52
you will put all of yourself into your family right and then there's nothing left this doesn't just link to the idea of money and resources within a family sometimes people will just stick with family because their family and forego building relationships and collaborations and the like outside of the family because the family wants you around every weekend and every holiday and every wednesday night and every this and every that and if you violate those rules then there's all kinds of rage and
07:24
accusations about your commitment to your family and your loyalty you put all of your eggs into the family basket and if it's a narcissistic family when you need them they probably won't have your back that recognition that moment is utter devastation for people who buy into that family ideology of tight-knitted families and not see the control narcissism triangulation and other toxic dynamics that may be afoot
07:55
the eggs and basket proverb really apply to many narcissistic relationship situations especially those characterized by control because the narcissistic person wants to be in control they sort of set up this one basket situation as it were and because so many people in any kind of narcissistic relationship have that ongoing impossible goal of wanting to win over the narcissist or be in their good graces
08:26
or just want to make it work we'll just keep piling those eggs into that one basket saving very few eggs for the other important aspects of their life in my work i call this the 9010 phenomenon i believe too many people put 90 percent of their bandwidth and psychological energy into the most toxic and egocentric relationships in their lives and only put 10 percent of their bandwidth into the healthy relationships because
08:58
the healthy people don't want to stress you out and they're there for you unconditionally and they appreciate you when you can come around but they don't get you when you don't now flip that math gray rock and set boundaries around those toxic people only give them 10 they're going to be disappointed you and you no matter what put the 90 into the good people you will find that you will be healthier happier better off and more successful in this scenario no it will not be fun to deal with the narcissist rage but by putting
09:30
more into your healthier relationships it's also going to give you more strength fortitude and support to believe you can push back so take those precious eggs of yours and figure out who the worthy recipients in your life are you should have lots of baskets in your life and the lion's share of those eggs should go in the basket that's marked you your authenticity your values
10:01
your true north that map that basket is made of better stuff when you put it into you you can then pay it forward into the important people the healthy people the authentic opportunities and the meaningful work in your world thanks again

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