My Abusive Mother Emailed Me... | VLOG

My Abusive Mother Emailed Me... | VLOG

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Language: English

Type: Robot

Number of phrases: 898

Number of words: 6163

Number of symbols: 25192

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00:00
hello cuties today it's sunday the 7th but this will be posted later it's pretty late 9 29 i usually wake up around like 8. um but i had a something i haven't had since i was like 13 and i had it a lot when i was around five six seven or something like that and i have as you might not know i don't know but i have ptsd and i used to have night terrors and extreme nightmares when i was a child uh like trauma ptsd
00:31
nightmares and i would scream in my sleep and i would dream terrifying dreams about my my mother i guess that's where my ptsd started and i had one last night i woke up 2 two nine three two but i didn't woke up right away i woke up running to my dad with my weighted blanket i woke up like in the middle of it and i was confused i didn't know what the hell was going on and then i realized oh [ __ ] i just had a [ __ ] like actual trauma nightmare and my pulse was at a 110 um
01:00
when my my rest pulse is at like 63 110 i woke up with 110 pulls that's insane so and i haven't had those since i was 13. but i think i know why i had one now it's because my mother emailed me saying really gross things about me um i told her that i didn't even say anything gross to her even if i did she still shouldn't be saying like things like that because she's my mom i mean i don't consider her my mom but biologically she is you know she said hello i don't know where and i said well i basically summoned it up because i
01:33
wrote um like a longer message to her summon it up like oh i'm confused why you're writing to me now when you basically haven't cared at all because last time i spoke to her i was 12 for those of you don't know she was an alcoholic and she abused my dad and um she left us when i was around seven then i met her a little bit on and off i was scared of her terrified last time i saw her i was like 12. i was still like very uncomfortable with her and scared and whatever um she's really sick in the head like she's called my dad really insane things and
02:05
tried to kill my dad and things like that so so she's very sick in the head so i basically just told her that like i don't want her in my life i don't want you in my life i don't i feel better without you in my life i'm not interested in having you in my life you don't know anything about me you don't know what i've been through what i'm going through you don't know what i do like as work you don't know anything and uh she basically just said that um everyone everyone says that i'm weird now which is odd because i mean i guess
02:34
that's how people react when when you because relatives like my family is really just it's basically not a good like they don't i don't know how to it's just weird everything is just weird and i try to stay away as much as possible from that and people think i'm weird because i finally got help from my trauma and i'm finally speaking up and not being quiet about things that happened and people think i'm weird because of that and when i have people i mean like family relatives i've heard it before that oh
03:04
yeah michelle she's weird now and it's like [ __ ] i grew up but first of all i grew up i'm an adult now too i'm finally speaking up about what's happened to me like and i i finally understand what's like right or wrong and i speak up what things that they have done and that other people have done to me and i don't know why why that's weird when i went to therapy from a ptsd i feel a lot better and my head is much clearer than ever so i don't understand but um they're really weird i don't i don't
03:36
she makes me really really uncomfortable as soon as someone changes for the better you're weird apparently she said that she feels sick when she thinks about me and um yeah things like that and i it triggered me a lot i got a lot of anxiety so and that was on halloween i woke up to to her saying her saying those things on halloween and then later when she said that don't message me again and i didn't say anything after that i just sent her i sent her first she said hi and i said send a hi with a question mark because i
04:08
was like what the [ __ ] was she where is she coming from like what is this and then she sent me like five emails and then i sent the longer email i didn't even i said nothing like mean or rude i just said that i don't want you in my life because you well it's true she has she hasn't ruined my life my life isn't ruined that's not what i mean but she ruined my childhood i didn't have a good childhood i was terrified of her i'm i still am and i have trauma that i have to live with for the rest of my [ __ ] life because of her and she is i think she has some sort of sociopath or something like she's very sick in the
04:38
head that's what alcohol does of course [ __ ] you up i don't like alcohol i never have i don't like go go it's just i i don't yeah um and then she kept messaging me and then later she i saw that oh yeah she called me sick by the way like that i'm that i'm sick that i'm crazy or whatever when she's funny she's talking about herself but why is she saying that is because i don't want contact with her i don't i don't get it so yeah i think that's why i got a ptsd nightmare thingy because it triggered me because i feel so much better without
05:09
her in my life um and she just had to ruin that for me she just had to ruin that for me so that's just great yeah i've cut out some people in my life and i feel much better now but like i said in my last vlog i like christmas thing i've kind of people from from my family uh and i used to hate christmas it was it was just because i was around someone who had sexually harassed me when i was a child and i had trauma because of that and i thought i hated when uh christmas but no it was just that now i love christmas because i don't have them in my life anymore no i just celebrated
05:39
with my dad and my my my animals so i feel a lot better without those in your life i just want to say this what i i know this was a long rant but i just want to say this that by the way i'm sorry i'm gross i literally just woke up i just want to say this to you that it doesn't matter if someone is your family if they are hurting you if you have some trauma with them if if they are just toxic it doesn't matter if they're family they're not your fam like you choose your family if you're any any anyone in your family is being toxic and you you don't you just you have a lot of trauma from that
06:11
and [ __ ] like just leave leave it i know it's hard but like that's the best thing you can do because you feel a lot better after and you pick your family you choose your family i don't consider my mom my mom why i say that is because i get i'm used to it i don't know she is my mom but she she's not my mom you know what i mean like she obviously birthed me unfortunately but i don't see her as that and i don't see like my sibling as my sibling i don't i don't i pick and choose who i who i consider my family and i think that's important to
06:41
that's also a type of self-care usually when i think of self-care i think of like you know the videos i do where i wash my hair i scrub my body that's nice and all but self-care is really like mentally psychologically you know emotionally whatever take care of yourself and um don't force yourself to do things you don't want to do listen to your body listen to um your mind i mean unless it's toxic unless you have like an eating disorder like you know what i mean if you feel uncomfortable around someone leave them someone's hurting you leave them it doesn't matter if it's your family and um i know people will
07:12
say that you're crazy probably people will say that you're weird now you're weird oh michelle is weird now you know they'll probably tell you [ __ ] like that not michelle but you know it hurts because it's from someone who [ __ ] birthed you you know or someone else that you're close to in your family even if it's not someone else's clothes and your family could still hurt um so just it's fine it won't solve your [ __ ] problems issues you have but um you you get rid of something that's you get rid of something that's heavy on
07:44
your shoulders and then it'll be easier to focus on yourself and get better whatever you need to do so um yeah that's really important so that was my little rant hope you enjoyed it now let's get on with the day i think this will be another long vlog i hope you enjoyed my my 30 says 36 minutes long vlog the other day um i was gonna say if you didn't like button i mean do that if you want but let me know what you think about those long vlogs are they too much constructive criticism is fine it's just that these videos are like lazy ones
08:14
just spend some time with me you know if you're if you feel lonely or if you're bored or whatever we can talk and stuff i love reading your comments so why ask those like questions during my videos is because well i want to read your answers in the comments i think it's very interesting so we can hook and stuff so um yeah that was my little rant i feel better now i feel okay um i will get up brush my teeth [ __ ] like that it's laundry day today so i will have to change my bed sheets and i [ __ ] hate
08:45
that so much it's some days so it's hair wash hair wash day i haven't put any oil in my hair this time i should have done that yesterday i slept in it but whatever no workout today because i did that yesterday so i've already done five times a week i have to have rules that helps me by the way i don't know if people are still confused about this but when i say caregiver and daddy i'm not talking about my father um i remember people being confused about that i guess if you're new you're confused about that
09:15
if you're an og then you oh oh gee what the [ __ ] is og mean i've heard people say it when they mean like people has been who has been here for a long time whatever i don't know but um people have been here for a while you know what i mean um i'm in a relationship and uh it's kind of like the ddlg dynamic but i don't call it that anymore i don't really do that stuff anymore i don't know it's just chill i don't know i don't have a label for it but i call him my daddy and he helps me helps me a lot with things um so one of those are sorry
09:46
my camera there wasn't any space left in my memory card i only have a 16 gigabyte because my 64 was broke for some [ __ ] reason both of them but uh i have rules that help me help me stay out of my depressive episode and help me just be better and take care of myself and um focus on things that's good basically so one of this one of those rules are uh that uh i work out five times a week by the way i came up with those rules and um you know so no one's forcing me that's basically what i want to say no one's forcing me yeah so one of those
10:17
rules are five working five times a week oh my god and um this pimple hurts oh i'm so gross i'm sorry no i'm not sorry um yeah and i've already succeeded basically and i eat oh yeah the cookies i made well you saw this in my other vlog i made them on friday they were really good i gave away to my grandma and my dad so they're all gone now um but they were good but today no yummy eating i don't think at least no but i will clean today so i will always clean every day i don't have any other
10:49
plans today as always it's just chilling is self-care day i think i will call her though and um on sundays on discord we have a coloring night every week but i haven't talked i haven't spoken to any of my discord friends like spoken like this and do i need to sneeze or not it keeps coming i haven't spoken to any of them in like a month like speaking like this i've typed and write written and stuff but not spoken like this um it's insane like in over a month i think uh but i might join today i think
11:20
if anyone remembers so yeah this laundry day and don't know what else that's it so let's get up i'm going to go brush my teeth and stuff oh yeah okay here's a little ninis she's lying behind behind the couch hello hello when did you wake up i wake up at eight i woke up i woke up at eight why i you went outside with tina did you already give her food yes have
12:02
you given me this food yes i brushed my teeth oh i brushed my teeth and i put some salicylic acid moisturizer on myself now i will i should really switch the outfit at least to something else at least put on a top bra thing going to get all the dirty stuff and put it in the laundry so um i can do the laundry later cue the music this is clean sheets that i just uh chose to uh have as my
12:52
duvet cover this time so this is clean check the pockets because i always forget that and my dad comes up with a lip balm that i still use yes okay back to the music [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]
14:23
do [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] so i'm done cleaning in my little room i wiped up some areas too with the cloth thingy those are clean clothes now i'm going to clean and
15:43
name this area i'm just going to do it before after in this i need to look at her oh my god she pooped so much so i would just do a little transition thing that's what it looks like ocean this is what it looks like now it'll be a much difference but and done yeah as i said not much change but i cleaned up here there was hay all over like behind this had to remove everything some little hay pieces that's fine yeah it's clean do you want to borrow my antidepressants
16:19
what are you watching what a dirty tv breaking bad this is his eighth time watching breaking bad i watched it i think twice might soon be my time to watch oh [Music] [Music] [Laughter] i already put sunscreen on i'm gonna ask her if she wants to go outside and play fetch she already did
17:17
but uh she's noticing she wants to play will you go to cast a ball to castle do you think she wants to play fetch i'm not sure hmm it's hard to tell you know okay great i saw it i saw it she was out not too long ago she was out not too long ago so i'm just gonna play some fetch with her just outside here oh my other hello what's she doing what are you doing right there
18:11
yeah usually dust that with her mouth when she gets anxious i don't know maybe she got a little too happy she's old now so uh whenever she gets too excited and stuff she gets these i don't know but uh let's get some energy out and i can get some more steps in i'm doing 11 000 steps every single day and right now i am at 4487 87 here so let's take some candy that's in the library it's gonna be the
18:46
library my dad's in the basement doing laundry and uh so i guess i will put in the clip of here of him doing that so let's go outside hello hello today i'm washing the clothes [Music] a little bit come [Music]
20:11
so [Music] if she was a puppy now she would be running like crazy
20:41
but she's so old now she she can't really run much [Music] i'm telling her let me have your ball look at her dana fell down i think we're gonna go inside now we've been here for like 30 minutes i have 687 steps let's let's go to 7000 and i can go in [Music] do you want to buy some cookies yeah
21:42
i am home and i'm gonna uh boil some pasta and then i have this tomato soup i'm gonna put pasta in this and some um soy meat like the little meat stuff i don't know what's called but it's soy meat and uh i'm gonna put it in here with onions and spices and stuff and i tried it last time it was really good so that's what i'm gonna eat [Music]
22:13
by the way yes i have washed my hands i'm saying that because once or i mean not even once more than once people has asked me like oh you don't go to the toilet or you don't brush your teeth because i don't show it on the vlog like what the [ __ ] are you i'm sorry this that's just the most [ __ ] thing i've ever heard i have washed my hands [Music]
22:51
let's use some salt some black pepper oh [ __ ] some paprika uh grill spice and taco spice and that's it let's get the taco spice whatever let's get some grill spice let's get some paprika spice and sweden we say paprika and some black pepper i need to do this but i can't with one hand so black pepper and then some salt nice
23:23
a little bit of almond milk because i want it to be a little bit like more like um like creamier i guess i don't have any cream no what's it called cream basically so i i use it already and then we use your pores and here we go we're gonna warm up your tomato soup and now we're producing here and just here
23:48
[Music] [Applause] [Music] oh [Music]
24:32
am i the only one who thinks uh um walter walter white looks like my dad not just because it's bald but his face kinda looks like walter white [Music] foreign where are you going to go i like to throw it out like this for her because because then she moves around and it's a little bit more interesting for her so yeah she likes this
25:32
and i also had some candy for nene's or no tina i mean for tina satina's running more looking for her is that wrong she's searching uh i've just been um watching minecraft video i'm almost fell asleep i'm preparing for my hair i've already done a sunday or a self-care routine and it happens on sundays yes this is whatever i use it as like a step you know like a shower [Applause] no
26:08
i'm craving a hamburger hello i'm now chilling in the bath i thought i could answer some questions uh i thought i could do this in every single vlog i make by the way this is a pumpkin mask from the body shop a new one i'm trying it out like it so far face masks aren't needed it's just like a luxury skincare thing and i like face masks so where did you learn english for some reason i get this question all the time and i i understand not everyone knows but still it's like have you heard of school
26:44
i'm sorry school do you guys not learn english in school where you not speak very in the non-speak english-speaking countries like do you not learn english anyways here we learn english and first grade we started but where i mainly learned to speak english is from the internet that's why my english is kind of like like um like um you know it's not this second professional english no one speaks like that the english we are taught is like professional english and i never i never that never got stuck to
27:15
my mind and so you can see i learned the basics from school and then the rest how to speak and how to like you know those things uh from youtube i watched pewdiepie i didn't understand anything at first i could just kept watching and also most shows and films aren't dubbed here like we don't put swedish sound swedish um we don't put a swedish like speech over movies or series and if it is it's usually for like young young kids otherwise there's only text like swedish
27:46
subtitles or none and everything is in english so i don't know i get that question a lot i just think it's a little weird i mean yeah yeah whatever there's there's the answer to your question what series have you been watching you mean like lately none really i mean i watched you the third season of you joe annoys the [ __ ] out of me i don't understand why people find him attractive i don't think he's handsome i don't i think he's [ __ ] annoying he's [ __ ] weird he's just gross i just [ __ ] hate him i
28:18
don't like him so um there's that i have a face mask in my hair by the way that's why it looks gross it's a avocado uh did i say face mask hair mask avocado in avocado hair mask would you ever go to college if yes what would you major in no no i wouldn't no who are your fitness inspirations i don't have any at the moment i used to have anastasia upon a marango i think her name was like when i was like 16. yeah but now i don't i don't have anyone if you have any good fitness people i
28:50
don't know link them down below tell me down below i don't know i don't have one right now i do follow some some people fitness people on instagram but that's about it i don't have any like inspirations i guess fave bought the body shop products at the moment um she the shia line she uh shea butter line i really like it and what else i guess the face face masks i really like the face mask the rice one is my favorite if you have any recommendations not from the body shop because i already pretty much know every every single scent from there but if you have any
29:20
other skincare recommendations at all let me know what are your favorite products from the body shop or anywhere i would love to know what is your favorite slash easiest type of video to film the easiest would be the or it's it's a it's a bit difficult because i would say a day in my life videos where i don't talk but also that's going like that's throughout the whole day so it still takes you know it's the whole day i film but that would be the easiest that's why i post those sometimes when i like want to fill
29:51
something out or if i don't feel like posting anything doing my life videos without talking is perfect so that's why i posted something sometimes i know people most of you i think prefer where i talk and i get that but sometimes i want to make videos where i don't talk so um you know we can um we can make a deal 50 is uh or i think it's like 50 is videos you like 50 is what i like no i think it's less than that i think it's like 20 of what i like and then the rest like 80 is you that's usually how
30:23
youtubers do it like things they really love to do they post that even if it doesn't get a lot of views and then the rest is like what what gets a lot of use they still like doing it but you know i don't know how to explain it like if for example you for example if i had a i don't [ __ ] you know a gaming channel and then i i love to do vlogs for example but it didn't give me much views that would be the 20 and the 80 would be the gaming videos that make sense i think so but um easiest a day in life where i don't talk
30:55
um but also like vlogs but also not really because i talk and believe it or not it can be very draining to talk for me didn't my favorite was to film uh [ __ ] i don't know i think maybe there's i don't think i have a favorite one to film but i think i have a fake one to edit which would be the look books i would like to add look books i like to do the voiceovers i noticed that's fun to do the voiceovers um yeah i don't think i have a favorite one to film it's more like favorite favorite one to edit
31:28
basically it would be lookbooks i think that's fun what are your favorite gray gr gree i can't say this in english in an english accent it's a swedish i mean i guess it's the name exists everywhere else but it's a i guess a common common name in sweden greta greta greta out of [ __ ] that's weird um well the heat above uh i found it on tick tock and on autistic tick tock and uh i was like what is this this is
31:59
some 70s music but no it wasn't i really like also the when the curtains falls i think it was called i don't remember but uh i found them like two days ago and the last question let's do uh yeah let's do another one last question how do you handle rude and sexually offensive comments ooh how do i handle it well on youtube if you are a youtuber you probably know this or if you're not youtube you probably know this too there is a filter for words you can have on your youtube
32:31
videos and i have 100 different words any sexual words any offensive words any gross words any i don't know things that people usually comment that give me hate comments post on my videos or comment on my videos i have so basically it means if you say uh any any word that i blocked out it will not be posted to youtube no one will see it i won't see it in the comments it'll go to a folder where it says basically like waiting for um approval basically something like that
33:03
and i can accept the comment or i can remove it it's not even posted to my youtube it just goes to that folder so that's what i have or i turn off comments on my videos completely so that's how i handle it and either i pretend it doesn't happen or i go for my little rants and my answer just to give out my anger i know it doesn't [ __ ] do anything usually but it's just to get my anger out and i have all the right to do so and so that's how i handle the comments the rude and sexually offensive comments
33:34
uh sometimes when it's really gross i report it yeah that's about it on instagram i block people all the time the slightest sexual comment towards me i block you right away unless i haven't seen it i don't usually don't look through all dms on instagram so if you have sent me something nice and i haven't answered that's why either i haven't seen it or i know a lot of men i saw sometimes i look sometimes i look through the whole thing but it's not very often but i noticed a lot of men just mess it dm me and
34:06
they're like hi but i'm not gonna answer that what the [ __ ] i hate small talk and i'm sorry i don't want to get to know you i don't want to get to know random men online i mean girlies you can go ahead and message me boys guys no don't don't i don't know unless it's something you're like wondering or if you're um i don't know you know if you're gonna buy a video or whatever so um yeah by the way if you don't know i'm selling the extra content if you're interested if you want to support me and
34:36
if you just want to see extra content it's nothing like that it's just like extra content like but i won't be posting it to youtube basically so just heads up if you're wondering or if you're interested yourself just dm me on instagram little daisy heart um so i know you're probably like but mish you just said that you don't look at dms on instagram yeah but when i know i've said that i'm gonna sell videos and i know i will probably get dm's i look so yeah that's the questions i will continue my my little self-care routine
35:08
now should i share my legs oh yes i should definitely shave my legs because i switched the bed sheet to and it's clean this pimple is really red it's like showing through the [ __ ] face mask anyway um after this i might what should i do i'm getting a little hungry i want a hamburger but i don't know if i'm a loud one my daddy isn't answering me so i guess it will be without what should i eat though maybe salmon i don't feel like making anything maybe i
35:40
can order food again but healthy food know um i want to go build something in minecraft i'm starting a new world i want to make like a i'm making like a mushroom forest kind of thing and it's really cute see you my dad wanted a hamburger i want one too but i got instead i got the potato baked potato because i was really craving it look at look at the muscle muscle muscle eat it eat it
36:32
try it oh my god they gave us this whole thing no you're supposed to put it in like the whole thing in your mouth is it good yeah let me smell it let me smell it it may hurry up let me smell it let me it smells like the beach um yeah i don't look it looks like it reminds me of snails but but ocean snails that's what it like a snail but an [Music]
37:06
ocean oh but i'm gonna eat this [Music] i want to talk on the order today but i want it anyways this is gonna be like for tomorrow night today okay i'm all clean yay i felt so yucky i don't know what it was but i felt really dirty and but yeah i did wash my hair though even though i wasn't supposed to because i washed it not exactly a week ago but whatever uh sundays are my hair wash day so i have some laundry i don't
37:51
want to do that now i think i'm gonna do that tomorrow i might do like a little cleaning video tomorrow and here's tina she's been outside of course just not with me she's been with my dad i'm gonna go sit eat now oh i might end the video here hmm hmm i don't know yeah i don't i don't i'm gonna might join the the call on discord i don't know i don't really feel like i don't know what it is i'm not depressed i feel better than i have in a since i can't remember but i still like usually when you when you feel
38:22
better when you come out of a depression and all that [ __ ] you spend more time with people and you go out more i'm the opposite i feel good i'm i don't i'm not depressed but i hang out with friends less now than i did when i was depressed so which is we i don't know if that's weird let me know if you have similar experience because i don't i don't i don't feel worse when i don't hang out with people i feel like i don't really need it that much i guess some people just don't really need it i don't know i mean you need to hang out with people sometimes but hang out with people like often instead
38:53
no i don't i don't feel like i need it i don't i don't i don't know i don't explain it but let me know if you know what i mean i would love to hear if anyone else is like that i mean probably but if any of you are is like that i might see if i can find something to watch i don't feel like watching a movie i don't like watching movies but sometimes it can happen but i don't feel like watching a movie now i might find something else i prefer youtube youtube is the best but i might film a short little cleaning video tomorrow because it's all it's been a month i mean i usually do cleaning videos like a month in between usually
39:25
so i might do that tomorrow i have laundry to fold and stuff like that yeah but i think i will end the video here i hope you enjoyed it hit the like button if you did if you want me to do more lazy vlogs like this tell me down below and i will see my next video don't forget to follow me on instagram a little daisy heart the link is down below i have my tumblr and my spotify too if you're interested in that if you want to know my camera what i use how old i am i don't know it'll be in the description a lot of people ask me stuff that's already in the description so please before you ask me things look in the description i even
39:56
have like my favorite music so i'll see my next video love you bye [Music] you

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