A narcissist's take on love

A narcissist's take on love

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Language: English

Type: Robot

Number of phrases: 271

Number of words: 1537

Number of symbols: 7295

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00:06
okay so here's a doozy folks love is about giving everything and expecting nothing tell me that's not the motto of every narcissistic relationship i'm dr romney welcome back to the almighty proverbs series i gotta tell you when i read that one i kind of threw up in my mouth i'm like love is about giving everything and expecting nothing like that's literally the mantra of the narcissistic relationship it's interesting because this one isn't really a proverb someone sent this one
00:38
in um but it's sort of a feel-good quote that often makes the rounds and lots of content and blogs and love-oriented motivational motivational speakers and influencers it's a commentary i think on what is supposed to be the selflessness of love and sweet heaven above never have more dangerous words been spoken when it comes to a narcissistic relationship now when i tried to find the source of
01:08
this quote i couldn't because it kept it showed up on so many influencer accounts and new age accounts and relationship writer accounts and isn't love great accounts and feel good places and books and you name it so i wasn't able to get the source i kept getting taken to all these dark alleys so i guess it's a sort of prevailing love wisdom and that fact actually made my blood chill because the idea that love is about giving everything and actually getting nothing other than i guess emotional abuse and
01:40
invalidation in return that stuff folks is the core of the narcissistic relationship so let's take this quote apart a little bit so we can see just how harmful it really is i think it's based on the idea that love is metaphysically speaking a form of energy an energy that a person puts out there and doesn't expect that it's really a quid pro quo but that just the mere act of giving love is its own return i get it that's a nice sentiment right
02:12
and many of us hopefully have had these experiences at least once in our lives maybe with a loving family member or a friend or a child or maybe even if you're lucky a partner and that's fortunate and good and i'm glad you got it but it's also a little bit naive because healthy relationships quite frankly are meant to be reciprocal back and forth and while it's not meant to be a linear or numerical like i gave you 10 kilograms of love so now i expect at
02:43
least seven kilograms back what we do not expect is that we give everything and not only and not only get nothing in return but that we actually would get invalidation devaluation manipulation gaslighting abuse and contempt and in return the people who believe this proverb would have us believing that oh well love is about giving so just keep on giving and expect nothing
03:13
and that's the problem these sorts of enably and dangerous proverbs really need disclaimers i really don't think that the people who wrote or who believe this proverb want people to get hurt but they're not seeing the full picture and these sugary rainbows and unicorns proverbs that don't have disclaimers end up hurting the people who are already quite confused
03:43
people going through narcissistic relationships are confused full of self-blame hurt and they just want things to get better so they will take a saying like this and internalize it and think ah my mistake was i loved them and i expected something i should have never done that i just need to keep giving everything to them and know that nothing is coming back and then everything will be fine no it won't
04:15
if i were to write this proverb with a disclaimer the disclaimer would need to be something like love may be about giving everything and expecting nothing but that doesn't mean that you should expect or tolerate abuse that as long as you are in a situation where there's mutual respect absence of abuse and consistent compassion then sure go ahead and enjoy this proverb but to make this a blanket statement love is giving everything and expecting
04:45
nothing which is supposed to apply to all relationships confuses the hell out of everyone out there who is in a narcissistic relationship who keeps getting the message to give and give and give and give and expect nothing and then they sort of conveniently move that part about being abused and invalidated and gaslighted under the part about expecting nothing the proverb doesn't read as love means
05:16
giving everything and expecting abuse and yet so many people interpret that way so many people going through narcissistic abuse that is and they build it into the complex justifications that keep people stuck in these relationships because hey love means giving everything and expecting nothing in which case every narcissistic relationship must seem like a winner now this gets really magnified in the empath dynamic in which people very much self identify as empathic and and being
05:48
as being empathics and being very empathic to others as a fault to a fault and then this damn proverb is their daily mantra so they keep giving the best of themselves to the least healthy people and expect nothing now over time this exhausts and destroys the mental health of the empathic person and it continues to enable the narcissists who just keep giving and giving and giving and like ooh they're realizing i don't want to give anything in return now people who grew up with narcissistic parents
06:18
may have been given the message that they should love and respect their parents and shouldn't expect anything more than what they are getting like a place to live and i guess food so the idea that the child would expect the parent to be emotionally aware and available to the narcissistic parent then that means that the child is just being arrogant and demanding and difficult right because the parent's not going to do that this proverb may have actually been used by adults who are around a child who may
06:50
have told them that you just need to love your parents and expect nothing because after all their your parents are feeding you i mean feeding you that's what a farmer does with their pigs and chickens it's sad when a parental relationship is boiled down to such painfully basic caregiving fundamentals a way that so many people get stuck in narcissistic relationships is that they read those little relationship sound bites out there that are based on two
07:22
healthy and very well intentioned people in a relationship people in newer relationships may not yet understand narcissism so they assume that the lovey instagram post or the love coaches quote of the day is applicable to their complex and invalidating situation and to their own lives and then when they read this this idea about love being giving everything and expecting nothing
07:52
may even blame themselves and think oh maybe the issues in this relationship are my fault because i expect something i'm just gonna keep giving and giving and expect nothing and just like the instagram post said then that's a real loving relationship but that's not how a narcissistic relationship works honestly there is some truth in this quote right love is energetic but the problem is we have so conflated and confused love with romance and sex
08:24
that we miss the many other forms of love the love of a friend the love for other human beings spiritual love love for our avocation or our work love of our pets this is all love the type of love that most easily ascribes to the idea of giving everything and expecting nothing is actually parental love right we give to our children and frankly healthy parents don't expect anything back just the hopes that our children may grow into happy self-sufficient and good
08:56
people and sometimes even that hope isn't realized but overall i don't really buy this quote i think love is permission to be our authentic selves to feel safe to expect reciprocity that is love and if a relationship isn't delivering it it is not healthy to just keep giving more and more to the point where you've given everything but in fact you really need to reassess whether this is actually a healthy space
09:27
and if it's not then stop giving everything and just step away gracefully or set some big ass boundaries i am convinced that the person who wrote this because they're out there somewhere must have been someone who was a taker and not a giver and it set up an economy of love that worked for them for those of you in any kind of narcissistic relationship ignore this proverb immediately it is a bad precedent it sets up
09:58
dangerous patterns and is based on something so aspirational that this is not a proverb really built for the actuality of love in the real world and it's more likely to get people hurt and trapped in an abusive situation than to result in real sustaining love thanks again you

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