Covert Narcissism: Control With A Sly Twist

Covert Narcissism: Control With A Sly Twist

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00:03
I suspect that you're learning that as you try to come to terms with what narcissism is all about it really is not very wise to just stereotype that whole notion of narcissism and just say it's one particular manner of life there's so many different ways that it can show up we often think of the narcissists as being very brash and pushy and forceful and overbearing and sure enough in that overt sense many of them can be that way but we have a term that we call covert
00:34
narcissism and that's narcissism that may be of a different sort and I want to get into all of that with you here today so that you can understand what you're dealing with when that person shows up in your world and they're out there have you ever gotten to know someone and at first it seems as though they are pretty reasonable and okay and you know a little bit more mild-mannered but then you begin realizing this person just doesn't seem to understand me as fully as I thought originally that it was going to be or there's something going
01:04
on here that just doesn't feel right and I just feel like they're holding me in disdain has that ever happened to you now it could be that it's ultimately in a dating or even marriage situation it may be that you're having a family situation where it's that there's that one person that just seems to stand over in the corner and just watch you and think something's not right with you it could be at work or in a social situation where you just work real hard to try to get engaged with that person and it just doesn't seem to to satisfy
01:37
has that ever happened to you well it could be that you're dealing with somebody that has covert narcissism now before we go more deeply into it and I'm gonna want to give you eight things that we can watch for I do want to make you aware of the fact that we have provided some links below the video here some books that you might find helpful one is a book by me it's called when pleasing you is killing me another is another my books called the anger trap and then there's a third book that we have a link to and that's Laura Carranza's book ugly
02:08
love and she's speaking as someone who's lived through circumstances with narcissism and so I hope that you would find those books how and then we would invite you to subscribe to our Channel and as as more videos come up then we'll let you know when they come along now going back to this whole thing about covert narcissism let's keep in mind that sometimes people can have that sense of self-centeredness in such a way that's not quite as brash and forceful but boy is it there and so
02:39
let's look at eight different things that that can be distinct in the covert sense of narcissism now the first thing I want to to bring out is that number one they can have what we might call a false sense of humility now by that I mean these individuals who go The Cove are out may not be the loud and in charge kind of person they may not be so overwhelmingly forceful and so you begin thinking well there just seems to be a modesty that they live with and they
03:10
seem to be okay they're not terribly argumentative at least not in the beginning you tend not to see that but over time you begin realizing that that modesty can be part of a disguise because behind the scenes there can still be that sense of superiority that tends to go along with the narcissistic tendency there can be a sense of entitlement they're just not showing it and playing their cards quite as fully on that so a false sense of humility or maybe we can say a false feeling of
03:41
approachability that might be there but then number two the more you get to know the person who's in that covert direction you realize they strongly dislike having their weaknesses known or they strongly dislike feeling vulnerable and being known as somebody who is is they're exposing their needs that really bothers them greatly once you begin learning about this person and you see some of the humanity on normal display
04:13
instead of them saying yeah now that we know each other a little bit better let me tell you a little bit more fully about me they don't do that that's it that's a healthy approach towards life but keep in mind the narcissist is all about maintaining their sense of control their invulnerability so once you begin seeing some of their flaw or their weakness or their humanity what they do is they tend to go on the attack toward you there's kind of uh now you've you've seen some things in me and you're probably going to make some interpretations that I don't like so
04:46
therefore it's in my vested interest to destroy you upfront before you feel like you've got something on me and so they can be very shaming and blaming in the way that they interact with you well a third thought or characteristic that's a part of the covert narcissism is they can have what I would call a withdrawn self-centeredness now many times the overt narcissists can be very self-centered and if they can be very you know unashamed in saying here's what
05:17
I want give me this and give me that and you need to do this and they're very straightforward with all their demands whereas the in covert narcissists may just think you know it's all about me in my comfort and if I find you to be defective or in some way or another not a good match I'm just shutting down I'm gonna withdraw I'm really not into you that much anyway and there can be many times when you'll think what did I do to offend that person or why are they just suddenly kind of giving me the silent treatment or why they just pulling way
05:49
back that's what they do it's a part of their self absorption and rather than trying to tune into you and how you can blend better it's like now I only want to bother with that that's how they think well then that leads to point number four in terms of some of the ingredients there and there's a lack of empathy but again it's not necessarily the way that the overt narcissist will communicate their lack of empathy the overt narcissists they'll just say something like you don't know what you're talking about or that's wrong or why would I even have to listen to you
06:21
whereas the covert narcissist it's like I just don't feel the need to know you I mean there's nothing over there that I find be terribly interesting in your side of the world and so I'm just not really interested and so as time goes by and the covert narcissus can come off as cold and disinterested and genuinely they don't really care about what's going on inside your world that empathy just doesn't seem to register a fifth characteristic which
06:52
just go straight along with all of this is a sense of aloofness or perhaps a smugness that these people can have it's it's like they think within their minds hey look I already have things figured out as to how it's all supposed to be and you know my way of thinking is pretty good therefore why do I need to engage that much with you and so there's just kind of a thought where they think if there's something that you feel like
07:23
you can add to me to think again cuz no III don't really need you in a humorous kind of way one of my nieces who's much older now when she was in her teenage years she had this funny little thing that she would do when she would just be you know 1 to dismiss you she would just look at you and go poof exist it's like seriously little girl what are you doing this for but and it should be funny and we'd all laugh and all well narcissist covert narcissist can do that
07:54
poof you don't exist and they actually mean that that's part of that smugness in that sense it says I don't need to hang out with someone like you well a sixth point that we'll say about the covert narcissist is that they often portray themselves as being a misunderstood special person many times the covert narcissists they'll they'll portray that well they have certain awarenesses and insights that other individuals just don't have and if you don't go along with them or
08:26
if you would suggest that they may come up with a different notion or interpretation it's like well they're thinking you just don't know life the way I do and there's certain things about how things are supposed to work that you just don't understand and so III just don't need to engage with you or explain things to you because you're not going to get it and so they're there a special person who's misunderstood which just is their way of saying therefore I dismiss you
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now a seventh characteristic of the covert narcissism is there's lots of passive aggressive behavior in fact many times people ask me when a person has covert narcissism does that mean that they're a passive-aggressive and it's like well yeah there's plenty of that going around but there's that plus all the other dimensions that I'm mentioning too but typically the well the overt narcissist when they get aggressive I mean they're gonna let you know in no uncertain terms and they can go into
09:27
name-calling and harshness and forcefulness and bluntness whereas the covert mark narcissists they may go to that at some point but very often they miss may walk out of the room or give you stony cold stares or it may be that they'll just go for long periods of time and just be evasive and not speak with you they can slam doors they'll cut you off in mid-sentence or they can promise to do something to help you out and then they won't do it all of that is their
09:57
way of saying you bug me I'm angry at you but it's being done in a passive kind of way and actually I refer to passive-aggressive anger as control with the least amount of vulnerability keeping in mind that the covert narcissists they don't want to make themselves nearly as vulnerable as the overt narcissists typically does and then finally we can say an eighth characteristic is that there there tends to be a real strong disconnect between their head and their heart now and a covert narcissist may actually say yeah
10:29
I know there's certain things that I need to do in my primary relationships to make them go well but then when it comes down to actually pulling it off like now that let's just don't care enough to to do it and so that heart style of relating is just not very prominent now needless to say is you try to figure out how you're going to engage and interact with this person I think you're gonna clearly feel like you're walking on eggshells and so let's understand that as you engage with this covert narcissist you're gonna need
11:00
to greatly minimize your expectations for the relationship you can get pulled into fruitless questions like are you doing this to me your why are you being so evasive or don't you understand that I'm trying to be nice to you here because all that does is it just feeds the Ricoh it's like yeah I got your running done' and and they like that because it's part of their exploitive and manipulative game that they play with you and and so you'll need to establish yourself as other recognizing
11:31
what you're dealing with when you recognize that you have other preferences or interpretations or opinions or their activities that you want to give priority to that covert narcissus is probably going to think you poor slob you don't know anything do you and let them think that way rather than thinking I've got to get him on my team you won't it's not going to happen and so you go ahead and proceed with the notion that says I need to go ahead and see that this is not a person that's
12:01
going to be on my inside circle and it may be that they're they're not going to be somebody that you can have a great deal of intimacy with at all in fact frankly intimacy is built upon knowing both the pluses and the minuses about each other and accepting each other in the midst of it and that's something that covert narcissist can't do so inwardly you want to have the realization that this is not someone that you can have a tight relationship with and then outwardly you want to establish your priorities as being separate and other the covert
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narcissists may not like it but you see that doesn't have to be the ultimate determinate for you being you you you need to go ahead and be yourself whether they like it or not simply because that's how you think and that's how you give priority to your life is it's you who decides who you're gonna be not the narcissist deciding it on your behalf

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