The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo - Episode 5

The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo - Episode 5

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Language: English

Type: Human

Number of phrases: 473

Number of words: 2379

Number of symbols: 10507

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00:15
We got to stop having sex No, we don't Get your leg up further away You love it No, you're not sexy. Get out. Come on. Get out. Where are you going? You literally just told me to leave. Shut up. Come here. Give me a little kissy. You will get this part. I will get this part. You will get this part. -You will get this part -I will get this part -You will marry Freckle -I will marry Freckle-hey! Sneaky, sneaky The mail's here. Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it. There's a letter for Benicio. Oh my God, it's from the consulate. Hey You know Benicio put down my apartment as his address while he's staying here? Yeah Well, I just got this letter from the consulate that says he has two weeks to leave the country unless he has any other way to plead his case. He's getting deported. He's getting deported. Oh fuck And he doesn't even know about it yet. God, that is always good. Always good. Never, never again! Ever! Karen, look at this fucking body. I gotta get out of here, you gotta get out.
01:45
Look at this body. This is yours. I have somebody coming to town. It's a guy. You got to be okay with that, alright? A romantic guy? Yeah, it's a romantic guy. I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you, baby. I love you so much. Oh my God. Billy, Billy, Billy, this isn't a match. Look how many people you've been hooking up with, huh? You've been sucking dicks and getting your dick sucked Karen, I'm in love with you though! I'm not in love with you, okay? Stop it. Stop that. Stop. Stop. Okay, this is not sexy. Hey, stop trying to make this sexy. I'm gonna- Will you marry me? Who are you? I'm Jeff. I'm the videographer Are you gonna tape it all on your iPhone? Well these actually have a really high quality video now that you can use to decompress- You gonna run out of storage? No. I've got my eye on you, okay? I'm the priest. I thought women couldn't be priests. Easy, L. Ron Hubbard. Peace be with you. Yes. Oh God, this is awful. What kind of lawn is this? How soon can I get drunk? When is the show gonna start? This better be a good show. I'm gonna split off. Get the hell out of here. I love you. Where the fuck are we supposed to sit? So that is, um, Mike Wink. He's this bear that Caleb had a quick thing with
03:09
while Benicio was in Vancouver. I thought Benicio is from England. Long story. Karen. Hey, what's up? How you doing? Doing okay. Other than feeling a little hung out to dry. Hey, man, I'm Malcolm. Hey. So you seeing Karen? Yeah I am. Tell me more about that. Well, Karen and I know each other from New York. I'm a visual artist there. She was an actress. Well, she still is, as you know and we dated for about a month and a half. It was incredible. Really. It was like this intoxicating, just like torrid love affair. Yeah, it's amazing. We thought it was gonna be like a marriage thing but then she booked that pilot so she had to move to LA and put the whole thing on hold. Oh man. That's tough. Do you guys stay in contact? Oh yeah, yeah, texting, calling What are you, like, a fashion model? Visual artist. As I said. I want to book a pilot. You will, Billy. You will. I think you could. You don't know how hard it is, man. What do you do? I'm a visual artist as I said.
04:13
Well, that sounds pretentious. Okay, alright. We're gonna go see Caleb. You want to come with me? Yeah. I was just having fun. All right. Well, hang in there. Okay Don't drink too much. Hey Hey How are you? Good. You look so handsome. This is Malcolm. I'm Caleb. Nice to meet you. I've heard a lot about you. I want to know who you are. Uh, hey, baby Malcolm Will you give us a second? Sure. Maybe go talk to some people. Sure, for sure. You're a visual artist. Yes He looks like a fashion model. I know. How you feeling? I'm good. I'm really good. Yeah? Are you scared? Yeah. That's okay. Are you, did you guys talk about the monogamy thing? Yeah, kind of. Are you feeling bad about it? Yeah, I think we're open. Hey. Oh, hey. Just, uh, wanted to come say hi to you before your big moment. Aw, that's so sweet. How are you, Billy?
05:28
Dealing with a couple of things. Hmm. You really like painting your nails, huh? Oh Yeah I feel like it gives me some form of clarity or something. How does it give you clarity? It's like, I literally like pink on my nails like, it doesn't really feel like it has to be a rebellion or something so it's sort of a little thing that I do for myself to kind of remind me that I can be whatever I want to be as long as I'm not hurting other people. Hi. Hi. Are you a fashion model? No. Okay. Well, do you know where we sit? Just anywhere. No, I mean, we're Caleb's parents. So we probably have a special place to sit. Oh, hey, congratulations. That's great. Thanks. Yeah. Well. I'm a doctor. But I'm conservative. Okay, it's time. She looks great. You may have a seat. Dearly beloved I have it written down. Great. Yeah Thank you. We are gathered here today to unite these two men who are seven years apart in age and who are both men and who are both gay and who love each other. Both these men are not stereotypical.
07:50
They do not fall into your fucking categories. Who knows? Maybe they aren't even gay. Maybe, just maybe Caleb's had sex with women. Multiple, multiple women. Or maybe he hasn't. And I'll take questions on that later. So it is in this knowing That we are gathered here today to join these two men in marriage. But first I will perform Selena's masterpiece "If I Could Fall in Love" I could lose my heart tonight If you don't turn And walk away Cause the way I feel I might lose control and let you stay Cause I could take you in my arms And never let go I could fall
09:45
in love with you Baby It's a small seat I could fall In love It's a small chair with you No no no, we're not a thing, we're not a thing. We're not a thing We're a thing Don't listen. We love each other. Touch me. Not- Straight as ice But if I take that chance right now Tomorrow, will you want me still? I should keep this to myself. Alright, I'm done. Oh. You may now kiss the person in front of you. We are a thing. Not to make it about us, but we're a thing. I got a good lesson for you. It's called the power of now. I told you Pema Chodron is somebody you should be reading. I got a fistful of crack and some MDMA.
12:13
Oh my God. You scared me. Whoa, Hi Billy. I'm sorry, okay? I'm so sorry. What? I'm sorry man. Why are you sorry? You don't have any reason to be. And now you're gonna fucking hate me. And Caleb's Gonna hate me for telling you. And now Karen fucking hates me 'cause she thinks I'm gay. She doesn't think you're gay. She does. Okay? And I didn't mean to fuck anything up with you two. And I didn't mean to fuck everything up with Karen and me. Okay, I was experimenting and it felt great. But now I fucked everything up and everybody hates fucking Billy. And one time when you Facetimed Caleb. I was in the room. Yeah, I remember. Because Caleb had just finished sucking my dick. Hey, hey hey, hey, what is going on here? What's happening? Billy just told Benicio that I sucked his dick. You stupid idiot Stupid piece of shit Stop making that sexy- Get the fuck- Stop it Listen You cannot bring your tornado energy in here and fuck up a situation, okay? Settle the fuck down.
13:36
Control yourself. Whatever you're confused, right? Because you're in love with Caleb or you're like confused by your sexuality, but- I'm in love with you. No, obviously not. This is something deeper 'cause you wouldn't be in here. No, I just, I just love Caleb. Oh fuck you, Billy. Fuck you, Caleb. You're a fucking asshole. Hey, what the fuck is going on here? Billy's trying to ruin my fucking life. Yeah, because you cheated on me again and couldn't even fucking own up to it. Yeah, why don't you own up to it, you selfish piece of shit? You don't deserve him. Yeah, I should just have, I'm so selfish and I should just date some confused piece of shit like you that won't even fight- Yeah, that's how you want to see it Like I'm fucking confused. Well, I'm not fucking confused. Yes, you are. Yeah, you're not confused. You're just fucking in love with me. Wow. Coming from you. I guess you would know. You're a fucking asshole. This is suppose to be a day about love. Goddammit. This was supposed to be a day about love I'm here. And can't we just- Why does everything always have to be so complicated? Can't we just do something normal? I mean, can't we just be normal people?
14:44
We're not normal people. Yes, we are. That's the whole point. More problems? Oh God, you're serious. I hate you, Billy. I fucking hate you, Caleb. Hey hey hey, okay, okay Enough, enough, enough. Fuck you, Caleb. Enough. Enough. Alright now, what's the real problem here? Karen's in love with someone else. Oh, there it is. I had nothing to do with this. Oh, no, you're just an innocent bystander, aren't you? I'm a visual artist. I thought you were a model. Okay, okay, enough, enough. Okay, there's There's one thing that's actually going on here. Okay? Is it pizza? Is it weed? There's one thing that's actually happening here. One thing. You gonna tell us what it is? Shut up, Malcolm. Nobody even knows you here. There's one thing, okay? That's happening here, and that's We all love each other. Okay? I wouldn't say that I love Michael. I don't really know him yet. It's Malcolm. Did someone give you a black eye? That hippie mentality is problematic, okay?
16:13
I'm not talking about a hippie- I'm not talking in a hippie way. Did somebody say hippie? I said hippie, but I didn't say hippie in a hippie way. You know like what I'm saying is that we all love each other, okay? Us. Us. This. Caleb, you love Benicio, right? And Karen, you love Billy. And Freckle, you love me And you also love Benicio and Benicio also loves me and then it goes on and on like this. Do you guys see I see what I'm getting at? I don't love Caleb anymore. Of coures you do. Yes, you fucking do. You love Caleb. You're just upset that he's getting married and you're gonna see him less. And you love Billy, okay? Whether there was dick sucking or not dick sucking. There was dick sucking. Okay, there was dick sucking. We all agree that there was dick sucking. But you just wanted to explore that love. It's okay. And that's beautiful. Is this crowdfunding? Now, this looks like a crowd. I am still speaking here, okay? I'm still shouting very loudly. You're telling me. Look. You knew that Caleb was a slut when you met him and you knew that he liked a lot of guys. I mean he has a lot of love for a lot of guys.
17:19
Did you not? Oh come on. Am I wrong, Benicio? Did you not know that Caleb liked loving a lot of people? Yeah, I did know. Do you have any of those same imperfections too? No, he doesn't have any imperfections. Shut the fuck up, Caleb. Yes, I do. Okay. Well, you know what? I've got an idea. Why don't we all- Can we all just hug please? Anybody want to touch anything? Can we all just hug please? Do you have any weed? Can we all just hug please? Please. Somebody give me a hug. Stupid shit. Come on. Okay, everybody, deep breath in. Deep breath out. Does anybody have some weed? I'm not gay, dude. No, you don't seem gay, man. I would be down for a little Eiffel Tower action though. Not gross. That's not gay. Alright, get out of here. Get out. Oh my God, I'm sorry. Come here. I was just kidding. Squeeze me. Squeezed between my two men.
19:23
Eiffel Tower? Literally, no. Never. Okay, I got something to say. Caleb, come here. Why did you turn the music off, you stupid bitch? Just give me the stage for a minute. So, as all of you know, Caleb and I were married today. It's literally a wedding. And then there was some pretty major drama. Shoutout to me for instigating the shitstorm. But I just wanted to say Caleb I take you with all your flaws to be my lawfully wedded husband. Whatever that means. What does it mean? What does it all mean? What it means is that I commit to you. I commit to seeing you and being present with you even when it gets hard. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Show's over. Show's over. Back to the show. May the show begin again. I love you. I love you so much. You're so perfect.
20:44
Whoo This is a fake mic. I just have one thing to say to all of you beautiful beautiful people. Each and every one of you. Does any one of you have any goddamn weed? Look at the lovely couple

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