Lies, Half Truths, Deception: Welcome To The World Of Narcissism

Lies, Half Truths, Deception: Welcome To The World Of Narcissism

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[Music] through the years in my counseling practice and beyond I've talked with many people hunters perhaps even thousands of individuals who have engagements with narcissistic persons and a very interesting trend tends to rise to the surface quickly when I talk with these people and that is they'll begin talking with me about the deception that goes along with their
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engagements with the narcissist now let me just pause right there deception narcissism does that seem to fit and the answer is oh yeah lies half-truths conveniently forgetting to let you know about certain things that are of utmost important narcissists are very keen on trying to craft a certain kind of image and so if if they have to present things in such a way where it's not exactly what they are or it may not be favorable to them then
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they'll just kind of create their narratives in such a way that fits their needs truth is expedient and the facts are something that we can kind of maneuver around that I mean as a real simple illustration I may have somebody come into my office and they'll talk about their family of origin and they may say something like my father was the kind of person that when he was in public he was really engaging and he could him he could hold a crowd real well telling funny stories and everybody liked him but man behind the scenes he was awful
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he was the tyrant he would scream and yell and we all just would wouldn't scatter like roaches whenever he would come into the house it's like I don't want to be around that person or a very common theme another one is people may tell me well when I was getting to know this person let's say but prior to marriage or prior to being connected with them in a significant way they may say a high person was really into me and they were friendly and with buy me gifts and say all nice complimentary things
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but here we are deeper into the relationship and I feel like I got defrauded nothing of that original kind relationship is coming through now this person is caustic and mean and harsh and I can't ever do anything right I don't even know who that person is that that I originally got to know that's a common theme or another one and and that is well let's say my partner won't talk with me about money maybe they hide credit card bills or
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they haven't filed taxes for years or there's there's all sorts of purchases they make and then they make sure that you don't know about it by the way there are two things that narcissus is tend to lie most about one is money and then the other is sex another illustration I may have people come in here and they'll say something like you will not believe what I found on my partner's computer and they may have a long history of porn use that it was it was hidden but it got discovered or it
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may be that they have text messages that they thought they were doing a good job of covering up with someone and it turns out that there's a lot of sexual in the innuendo regarding that and these individuals think they're getting away with it but after a while they get a little bit lazy and covering up and people begin to find out lies half-truths deceptions welcome to the world of narcissism it's pretty sad isn't it now why do narcissus lie so
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easily well first and foremost it's all about power narcissists are drunk with the notion that says I have to be in control I have to be the one writing the narrative here and so I'll just go ahead and let people know what I think they need to know truth is expedient factor expedient and and so they can try to craft an image and some of them can be very skilled at being able to craft an image that has nothing to do with who they really are but it's it's a in a
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favorable light to them and so it's like well that's what's most important me being in a favorable light and so knowledge is power and then image is power and so that's what they do and then speaking of image the narcissists are highly image conscious they they need supply from you and so they want you to think of themselves as being really terrific or if not you they want the public out there to think of themselves as terrific and so it's all part of building an image to feed their fragile egos another
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reason that narcissus will tell lies is they don't want to be responsible it's all about being evasive and sidestepping responsibility and that is basically in their sense of entitlement there they're thinking to themselves I don't want to be accountable to anyone so I'll let you know the stuff that that bodes well for me and there are just certain things you're not going to know about me because I don't want you telling me what to do I'm the one that calls the shots that's how they think
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now there's another element that's also related to the lie and that's fear now the narcissist will not acknowledge their fears but liars are fearful people ultimately a narcissist has concluded usually pretty early on in their life that this is a world that's filled with judgment and there's a pecking order there and so they fear being on the low end of the pecking order remember another defining feature of narcissism is the need to be superior and so they're
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damaged in the sense that they know oh I don't know live up everybody's narratives so what they do is based on fear based on shame based on trying to sidestep judgments they just kind of make up stuff as they go along and they hide things that are going to keep them from being judged and then another reason that narcissist lie so easily and that is it implies a total lack of understanding of the word intimacy interestingly intimacy when it's managed
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properly is based upon knowing both the good and the bad about one another you know now for example with my wife and when she and I were first getting to know each other one of the things that we wanted to do is say well let me talk with you about my pluses of course you want to do that but let me also let you know some of the things I wish that I could do over or things that I I know that I have a tendency toward that that need to be refined and here's what that is intimacy means that you're gonna talk about some of those difficult kinds of things and you're
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gonna be honest about it you're going to be held accountable and a narcissist thinking if that's what intimacy is I don't want anything to do with it to them in its enemies he means I want sex whenever I want it and that's kind of it but in terms of being able to to share down at the deepest level who they are even at their place of vulnerability it's like uh-uh I am not about to do that now notice when you deal with this lying deceiving half-truth narcissistic person notice
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what happens is you engage with them first you get the notion I'm dealing with someone here that's tone-deaf you can try to talk with them about what makes sense to you and they're not going to hear anything that they don't want to hear and so they can invalidate you and they can be highly defensive they're strongly inclined towards justification and racialization I've had so many people come to my office they'll say I try to talk about problems and the only thing I get is a big huge wall of
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defense and they either flip it back on me or they invalidate what I'm having to say or they have a million excuses for whatever it is they're trying to do in addition you'll probably notice when you're dealing with that lying narcissist they like to shift gears and they like to do some blame-shifting they may say well I know that you're upset about this but what about you how many times have you done this wrong or you may think that I've done something wrong but this person over here they've done it ten times more than I have so I don't even know what you're complaining about
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and they do the blame-shifting kind of game and and complacently they're just slippery kinds of people to deal with have you ever had those kind of experiences they want to make themselves unavailable they're very evasive and and even if it seems as though their lives are just glaringly obvious they still double down and do it anyway and so here you are dealing with that narcissist can't figure out what their passwords
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are because they won't let you know that you don't know really know where they're going and what they're up to what are you gonna do now I'm gonna give you two options the first is you can try to force their hand you can plead and beg and cajole and shame them and accuse them and try to make them see the errors of their way have you ever tried that one does it work and the answer is no they're
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committed to dishonesty and so when you say let's talk about what's honest it's like I don't do that and so you can beg and all of that but it's gonna get you nowhere except you're gonna go into your deeper hole of anger and hurt and frustration and disillusionment or a second option is you can tell yourself the truth and what is the truth the truth is I'm dealing with a liar that's
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not a very pleasant thing to say I'm dealing with a liar it's maybe somebody that you work with or that you have committed yourself to and a very deep and intimate kind of way or it may be a family member and it's like I don't want to have to say that and yet there it is it's true and so when you realize that then it leads to certain conclusions and the conclusion could be this person has lost the privilege to be on the inside circle with me or this person has lost
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the privilege to being my confidant this person is not someone that I'm going to offer trust to this person is not going to be someone that I'm going to share lyall tea with this person is not someone that I can reform but those are truths that you'll need to hold down to hold on to your truth now let's keep in mind this a foundational quality for a healthy relationship is trust and the trustworthiness and the honesty and the
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accountability that goes along with it and so why don't we conclude with this I like trust a narcissist I choose instead to trust my own instincts and my understanding of right and wrong that's what I'm going to anchor my decisions upon my boundaries upon my priorities upon the lying deceptive narcissist is not going to be in charge of how I live
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they can be whatever they want to be because that's what they're going to be anyway I choose to be a trustworthy person I do hope that you gain benefit from videos such as this and I really want to say thank you for letting me be a part of your life I received very nice comments from you about how you're trying to grow and I'm pleased that I get to be a part of that to know that I take that seriously if you've not yet subscribed I would encourage you to go beneath the video here and hit that subscribe button and we'll keep you
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apprised two more videos that come along we have a website and and I want to encourage you to look into it it's Doug it's a surviving narcissism dot TV we have many articles and and videos and other kind of features on their quizzes things like that I checked out because we're loading things on that constantly and I hope you'll find that to be a very good resource in fact there's quite a bit more on that that adds to what we're already doing on YouTube in addition if if you're someone that might want to look up for counseling online we have links below
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for that and I receive good feedback from people who have made use of that and that might be something you'd like to avail yourself to and we even have a link with a group that can help you out if you have hormonal imbalances that are a part of emotional stress and duress you can actually take some at home online a test for that and we would avail you encourage you to avail yourself to that in addition we have links to my books online workshops and even coffee mugs know that I know that
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you're trying to take this seriously as you try to figure out how to grow and I hope that even when you have to look at some of the ugly truth about a narcissist lack of honesty it can propel you towards the growth and the maturation that you're capable of and so I encourage you to straw willing to to live properly into healthiness and as you do please no I wish for you peace [Music]

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