Breaking The Trauma Bonds With A Narcissist

Breaking The Trauma Bonds With A Narcissist

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00:00
we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial
00:34
i want to address with you today a very difficult topic and that's the subject of trauma bonding that happens with a narcissist you know so many times you'll hear people who are aware of someone who's with that unhealthy narcissistic person and they can say well you just ought to go no contact just have nothing else to do with them anymore well many times that really is the right thing that needs to happen maybe but the problem is there can be so many different extraneous factors associated
01:06
with it it's just not quite that simple those of you who follow me regularly you know that i try not to just apply just cut and dried one size fits all solutions to every single situation everyone is a little bit different in the way that they experience this now when you're attached with a narcissist especially malignant narcissist it's almost like you have a cancer that has been growing on the inside of your your personality if you will there's a cancer inside your
01:37
relationships and it affects every part of your uh lifestyle and it could be that as you become aware of this cancer you're already so attached to so many other uh people and events and circumstances that it's hard to extricate yourself from that i mean it could be that the the part of the person that you're attached to that narcissist may be a parent and you've been with that individual literally your entire life and to say well i'm gonna cut them out well that may not be quite as easy because there's so many other people attached to that decision
02:09
or it could be that it's your spouse or a significant other and getting away from that has many many other ripple effects often there are children involved whenever you have a situation like this it i i've known cases where there's a friendship that that narcissistic person completely takes over and starts running your life there can be business situations when we talk about having a trauma bond we talk about the inability to extract yourself
02:39
from a toxic divisive unhealthy relationship and there are many many different elements that go into the the feeding of that now you can ask well how in the world do you get yourself caught in this trauma bond situation in the first place now one i've already kind of mentioned it could be that you grew up with it and it was just so much your norm that you uh wound up just thinking well that's just the way people are right and then only as you get older and
03:11
you you compare your life circumstances to many others and and you have better insight and awareness it's like uh-uh this isn't working well but it's just part of what you are many times and this is extremely common if it's a relationship that you've joined with in your adult years you didn't know what you didn't know in the early stages now that person can present themselves well or there may have been some red flags but you didn't exactly have the sophistication yet to know how to deal with it and so you got yourself pulled all the way in it can be that sometimes you get
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bonded with that person in a traumatic way because maybe you yourself were not in a good place uh when that person was introduced to you you may have had your own rebellion or you you may not have been in in your full place of security and personal stability there are all sorts of reasons uh that you can get caught up in this trauma bond now i want to go through six different themes that tend to be a part of the trauma bonding and then we're going to figure out what we might be able to do that we can
04:12
break free from that uh theme number one is when you're with somebody in a trauma bond it's very common uh many times over for that narcissistic person to dangle promises in front of you that give you a feeling of hope or a positivity not every thing associated with a narcissist is completely negative especially in the early phases it could be that that person tries to be very pleasant and they offer
04:43
you this and they give you all sorts of gifts and they make promises about how things can go really well just stick with the program you know you and me we're going to be tight and so often these individuals can present themselves up front as desirable and willing to be into you and that's part of the seduction and then in retrospect you can see that's uh that cancer is slowly coming into your system and you don't know that it's a cancer yet
05:14
a second thing that's very common with trauma bonding is when the negatives show up they can be greatly minimized i i can't even tell you how many times i've heard stories like well my father has this really really bad temper but you know he's kind of always been that way and all the men in his family are that way or this person that i'm now with uh you know they they cheated on me before we uh made our commitment to be together and we talked about it and they were crying and tears and we got together despite some of that and and the
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negatives may all actually be there but in the trauma bond often those negatives are either minimized or explained away and over time it's like well you know we can we can get through this and there's this false optimism that might begin to emerge now a third thing a third element that's a part of trauma bonding is once you're in and that cancer starts coming into your personality the control tax are thrown at you by that narcissism
06:15
left and right you begin realizing you've got everything figured out for me now don't you how i'm supposed to feel what i ought to think and what my priorities should be many times they they take you into a place of isolation you know let's say it's uh it's your mother or your father and it's like we want you to be with our side of the family but not your spouse's side of things that's what i mean by isolation or your significant others it's like they begin to whittle away at some of the people that are threatening them your friendships and all like that and
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they want to keep you away from that that's an extremely common thing but control and and here's how you must be and you hear a whole lot of must and got to and have to and you feel like you're being placed inside a cage and with that malignant harsh narcissist is like yeah that's what i do a fourth um common theme that we have is that once you're in that relationship uh that's trauma-based there's a lot of anger that comes out and it can be used very
07:16
heavily to keep you in line many times i've spoken with people who are trauma bonded and it's like i'm so afraid of that person's anger because it can be so exaggerated and they can be so forceful in the way that they do it and then sometimes it's in that loud way other times they go into the silent treatment and there's contempt and it's like i don't want to have to live with that so they try to do all that they can to try to keep that from happening and in doing so they get deeper and deeper into the pattern and then a fifth very common
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theme that goes along with the trauma bond is that things like guilt and shame and threats become very prominent and it's like if if you let other people know what's going on with us first of all it's it's your fault not mine there's a lot of things i could say about you that would just make you look bad i'll expose you i'll share all the dirt about you it's like i'm gonna pull back and so you don't want to be honest and open because you don't know what that person might do to destroy
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other relationships and then a sixth common theme is that you can be systematically pulled into an ongoing pattern of codependency when we talk about codependency it's like that narcissist is saying i want you to run everything through me first and they're dependent upon you to be their supply of course they won't say that but they want you to be dependent upon them and they uh it's kind of like did you ask me about that oh no don't you know that that's not going to be helpful for us and so they want you
08:50
to make sure that you double check with who they are and what their system is and so once you begin realizing that you have this psychological cancer that's in your life it's like i've got so many patterns that keep me tied to that person it's very difficult and then you might start looking back onto your earlier life and it's like you know i've already had other relationships that didn't work out and i don't want this one to be the next one and so you might feel beholden to that person because it's like i don't want to have
09:20
to go through a breakup all over again or it may be that you really do fear what other people are going to think of you uh if you have to go through that no contact and all it may be that there's a money issue that's there or you're afraid of what would happen to the children if uh if you go through some sort of major adjustment with that person uh it could be that you already have a propensity towards anxiety and that anxiety keeps you tied in let's underscore it is possible to get
09:52
out uh and away from that trauma bond but it's not going to be easy and it's going to require some major firmness and determination on your side so let's close by saying you know first of all you need to remind yourself you're in an abusive situation uh there's no other way to put it and you didn't ask to be in an abusive situation and that it's so important for you to remember that uh so many times you can feel this sense of embarrassment and and uh and just you know futility
10:24
you know there you are and there it is and at some point you just have to say uh this is something i just can't continue to go on with and if other people begin to know my stuff then so be it in addition you need to be very realistic about the cost that could come with taking your exit it can hurt and it can and you can feel uh futile uh frustrated with that futility uh you may have to really adjust some of your relationships and you'll have to make room for that in addition though i'm hoping that you
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can decide you know what i i need to let people in on my situation many times that that controlling narcissist wants to keep you contained they don't want you to say a word about in other words you have to be a keeper of their secrets i'm not keeping secrets anymore and it could be that you'll need to start talking very directly with close friends or support groups almost always when you go through this it can be helpful for a therapist to help you through sometimes you even need to enlist the legal community to help you out
11:27
and then beyond that you need to remind yourself that narcissist is going to do all they can to try to reel you back in once they begin figuring out that you're trying to extricate this cancer uh but you know what they can't rule you in without your cooperation you have to remain firm now sure enough if possible you do need to go no contact if it's that severe and and if you can't go 100 no contact you want to get as close to it as you can these people they don't change uh and if there's going to be any adjustment it's going to have to be on
11:58
your side uh if you're conflict averse or pain averse you need to rethink that because there will be pain and difficulty but at the same time just kind of like when you have to go through surgery or treatment for cancer you know that it can be difficult uh going through it but there actually can be something good on the other side waiting for you so i know that some of you feel like you're bound to that narcissist but the bottom line is uh i want you to live
12:29
with a sense of dignity and respect and civility that's what you deserve and living bound with somebody who's a very toxic person is not going to get you there you have to be determined to practice self-care and let people help you along the way i do hope that videos such as this can give you something to think about that's the whole point and if you've not uh already done so i would encourage you to go beneath and subscribe i mentioned that it could be that you'll need some counseling and if you have someone in your area
13:00
that can assist you i would strongly encourage that if you don't have someone in your immediate area we have a sponsor who uh that we have a lot of trust in we have a link below for online counseling if that's something you would need to avail yourself to i would certainly encourage you to do that we also have my free to be online workshop course it's a very extensive way of trying to find yourself despite the controllers in your life we have links to our our video our books website surviving
13:31
narcissism dot tv dr lescardo.com lots of resources i want you to get the help you need and i want you to be able to live into a life where you can actually breathe freely and know that there is plenty of goodness out there that you get to tap into and in doing so i'm hoping that you're going to be able to find your place of steadiness and your place of peace

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