Subtitles prepared by human
Hey hey people, Sseth here. Today, I'll be covering a game that was overshadowed during its release, bombarded by critics, and loved by absolutely everyone who isn't complete garbage at video games. A game which grinds through your analog sticks like butter, encourages healthy eating, respecting women, and emphasizes the virtues of the good Samaritan principle. I'm speaking, of course, about God Hand. A game I was too impoverished to play as a child since we couldn't afford a PlayStation. But now my PC is powerful enough to be a PlayStation. Through the magic of emulation, God Hand can be played very comfortably on your own computer and it works great. The simple gist of the game is the following- you play as Gene. A guy with a fancy jacket and an insatiable appetite for fresh fruit. You're also disabled because your right arm has just been cut off by demons. But you've got a new arm now instead- "The God Hand". Thanks to Olivia, a girl who threatens to chop it back off if you don't do what she says. And now it's time to beat the shit out of all the thugs and demons
responsible for "disarming" you. But, you'll need to master The God Hand to stand a fighting chance, because this game doesn't play around. It's hard. It's very hard. And it only gets even harder. In this universe the vast majority of punks, metal-heads, and women, want nothing more than to beat the shit out of you instead. The fighting system is easy to learn but insanely difficult to master. For a start, Gene operates on tank controls. Which might seem bizarre but makes perfect sense once you understand the purpose of it. The left stick turns and moves you around, the right stick is designed exclusively for dodging, the other buttons let you use your techniques. Pretty simple right? Wrong. Each of your buttons can be instantly remapped to do different moves and techniques. There's a lot of techniques. There's a hundred and seventeen of them you can pick up during the story or buy from your local convenience store. If you choose poorly you won't even be able to dispatch normal enemies, let alone bosses. But that's not all. There's a bar at the bottom of your screen. That's your "tension meter". The more hits you land- the more damage you do, the more damage you do- the quicker the "tension
meter" gets filled up. Once it fills up your right arm starts glowing and if you smack the right button on your controller you unleash your God Hand. The powers of a god are temporary. But in this short span of time Gene is completely invincible, lightning fast, and hits twice as hard, while your theme song plays in the background. It's amazing. But that's not all. Picking up cards during your fights fills up your Roulette wheel which triggers whenever you smack of a right trigger instead. In this state everything goes slow-mo and you get to choose from a selection of every roulette move you have equipped. This can be anything from a ball buster, head slicer, hundred punch combo, or even a dragon kick that sends your enemies flying out of the solar system. As a word of caution though, ball buster doesn't work on women, robots, or one of the first two bosses. Because he lost his testicles in the war. The lore of God hand is very deep. But the fighting system goes even deeper. Most games increase the health of your enemies to give you the illusion of difficulty. God Hand does no such thing. The better you do- the more hits you land, and the more hits you dodge- the higher your
Level becomes. What does this mean? It means enemies start kicking your ass. As level increases so do their abilities. They start using moves you've never seen before, they start changing their patterns to throw you off, and they start getting more and more aggressive as they try and put you in the ground. There's four levels which are quite self-explanatory. Level 1, level 2, level 3, and level die. If you get to level die you are EXPECTED to die. If you don't want to die I suggest you get on your hands and knees and start groveling for mercy. God Hand doesn't play around. But if you take the time and improve- you'll learn how to take the heat and when you do I assure you, you'll feel like an actual god. There's an overpowering sensation of ecstasy once you've figured it out after getting creamed repeatedly by the same boss, by the same encounter, it all suddenly clicks. And once it clicks you can't go back. You ride on pure adrenaline and muscle memory to repeat the same fight and this time you're not surviving.
You're Styling on your enemies. Before you know it it's already over. You've won and you're only left hungry for more. God Hand was very progressive for its time and it features a very diverse and multicultural cast. The first boss you go up against is literally two gay guys who proposition Gene. Gene responds by saying "I'm not that kind of guy". But as the story progresses and Olivia keeps slave-driving Gene into doing more and more ridiculous stunts at the cost of his health and personal safety Gene looks back and considers that maybe I am that kind of guy. Character development isn't exclusive to Gene alone. The second boss you face, Elvis, is a Mexican demon struggling with weight loss. He's got some of the *best* dialogue in the entire game. (in Spanish) "Ah Shit" (Then what can only be described as "Fat Noises") "You know what, I'm getting a bit hungry and a little (in spanish) idiot sounds like it would hit the spot!" "I don't think you realize What you're getting yourself into (In Spanish) Bastard"
Besides educating Gene on the basics of a Spanish language (In Spanish) Bastard, Cunt, Bitch! Elvis turns out to be a big softy who's as much of a victim to his circumstances as is Gene to his unwanted responsibility. He hates people who disrespect the dead and he also hates people who disrespect his demon waifu Shannon, who you repeatedly encounter, and spank to death. By the end of the game Gene, has arguably found more humanity and common ground with the antagonists he faces than the repeatedly ungrateful woman he's working for. God Hand is extremely quotable. Thank you (x 2) MH that ass... And extremely memorable (No dialogue, Only weird grunts) Yeah! In no small part because all of the enemies keep quoting Mike Tyson. The game is an absolute meme but originally was never designed as such. The developers just put some humor in the trailer for the
2008 E3 conference but received such positive feedback that they went back and remade the game into the Masterpiece it is now. It was, unfortunately, the last game ever made by Clover Studios however most of a team went on to work with Platinum Games, which was responsible for most of the crazy fighting games that came out in recent years. It's got insane amounts of replayability and it's something I always come back to after every few years. It's just that good. It's also very easy to miss some of the subtleties on your first run. For example, Chihuahua racing. In the main menu you can always pop into the store, casino and fighting arena, to practice your moves. But, after a certain point in the story, you can also start gambling on, you guessed it, poison chihuahuas. This is a very easy way to quickly lose all your money or make back 20 times your original bet if you know what you're doing. My only advice? Always bet on clover. You'll thank me later. Also, enemies have special interactions if you satisfy certain conditions. If you manage to get one of the average, run-of-the-mill, thugs down to no health at all
he'll start faking a seizure and begging for help. If you foolishly get too close he'll kick Gene in the ball sack- reducing your health to a single point instantly. I also found out if you get a demon down to a single pip of health- you can poke them. They'll explode. There's probably more but even as someone who's played and beat the game repeatedly I can't call myself an expert. Even after all this time, level die turns me into a crying, sobbing, little bitch. And there's no shame in admitting that. Some of the original reviewers of this game, however, cannot and for that reason "Imagine Babies" still holds a higher score on IGN than God Hand. A game that turned many boys into men and turned many men into crying, sobbing, little children. For that reason alone, I give it a very good score. But when I consider that it's a goddamn masterpiece I give it a perfect score. To reiterate the words of one presenter, one epitaph for Clover Studio, "We made one of the best games of all time and it was just a game about punching people." God Hand. It's amazing,
it's addictive, and it's very satisfying. Respect the game and it will respect you back. Highly recommended. Go play it. In lieu of the fact that you can't actually get a copy of God Hand anymore, I've linked it in the description below which contains the game, the emulator, and everything you need to get started. But Sseth, don't you need a working PS2 bios to emulate God Hand which I hope you've legally obtained from your own PlayStation 2? These are all good questions, and they will be answered shortly. But more importantly, what's Sseth been spending all of his sponsorship money on? I'll tell(Bribe) you. I hired every hentai artist to make lewd commissions of Olivia getting dicked. Because there's too little God Hand hentai. All the shilling was for a good cause. I've linked every commission I made in the description below. I hope you understand, the ends justify the means. But even more importantly, if you're unfortunate enough to be living in the Sharia state of Britain, the UK porn block is going to start
July, this same year. All in the name of protecting our children. Which, if statistics are anything to go by, need protection from their family instead. And, based on how well government projects usually go, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. Just present your personal ID card, punch in your personal details, and stop worrying. Porn sites have some of the best security on the planet. Better than Habbo Hotel. Probably. So it's very unlikely that your favorite smut site will get hacked or compromised, and leak all of your personal information, that could then be used to blackmail you in the future. However, if you're still unconvinced and don't want to put your safety in the hands of your infallible government, there is an alternative. An express alternative. "ExpressVPN" (Shameless Advertising) Because they're very good. Use my link and you get three months of ExpressVPN for free, and if you're not satisfied, you can refund the whole thing in 30 days. With ExpressVPN you can choose from any server, that's not located in the shadow Isles of the UK, and completely evade this well-thought-out and completely
unexploited law they're pushing down our throats. Personally, I don't know if a UK lawmaker even knows what a doujin, hentai, or booru site even is. (Sseth into some kinky shit) Arguably, there's more porn to be found on Skyrim Nexus than all of those sites combined. (you know he's not wrong) But we'll never know until they actually do it. As always, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And as always, more content to come so stay tuned. I'd like to inform you all that shilling is complete. Which means- we're back in business. "See anything you want?" "Rot in hell you penny-pinching miser!"
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