Crusader Kings: 2.0 Review | You can (Not) Afford | Family Edition™

Crusader Kings: 2.0 Review | You can (Not) Afford | Family Edition™

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Language: English

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00:00
hey hey people chef here today I'll be covering a game which really tests the limits of my ad D medication a game where you can grow an empire watch it prosper only to stub your toe died from an infection and watch your empire dissolve because you have no idea how inheritance works catch cancer beat cancer by praying it away thanks God spend money invest into your own people lose your money go heavily into debt borrow money from the Jews consider paying them back
00:30
keep it instead by expelling the Jews from your country don't feel bad about it we've been expelled so often you really won't hurt our feelings if you do it again marry your sister divorce your sister because she's too old marry her daughter instead turn your family tree into a Family Circle and watch your dynasty burned to the ground as your children collect every chromosome known to man of course now I'm talking about the most prolific complex and intricate medieval incest simulator on the market
01:00
today Crusader Kings 2 Crusader Kings 2 is a game covering nearly 700 years of human history during which time we treated each other very very well religious tolerance was at an all-time high human life was short and painful and the man amputating your leg could probably also trim your beard in other words the good old days but with modern technology those good old days can be experienced all over again from the perspective of a single person you pick from the world map who is then forced to
01:31
live through your terrible decisions ck2 falls under the definition of grand strategy which might lead you to believe it's a strategy game in truth grand strategy is neither grant nor strategic you just paint a map with color crayons and then upload your meme image of a Holy Roman Empire onto reddit for host SiC votes grand strategy is to strategy what doom is to the field of literature Doom is not a very good book in fact it's not a book at all so don't feel intimidated
02:02
this game is actually just a very simple Excel spreadsheet with a lot of poor UI scaling but that's not the point of it the point is the characters which behave as controllable agents of chaos that act and react to everything you do often in the most unpredictable illogical and insane way possible in other words they act exactly like humans but what is your objective in Crusader Kings - well the same objective as every human being as Oscar Wilde once set everything in the
02:33
world is about sex except sex sex is about power power is what you're ultimately trying to gain and in the medieval world there are only two ways of reaching that power war and marriage essentially you're sleeping your way to the top and in the process you pray you don't get poisoned cooked or in bread before your genes can pass on to the next generation if you fail to preserve your bloodline your dynasty ends and the game is over you can't just pass on your genes you got to look after them - unless of
03:04
course your seduction skills are so high that every woman in a hundred kilometer radius is already knocked up of your kids children aren't exactly the best at staying alive your child could be killed during a mass archery incident by some madman armed with an automatic crossbow or simply smothered by his own pillow by his own mother holding the pillow so much like stalks an investment I recommend diversifying your assets luckily the same applies to your potential rivals one of my favorite
03:35
things in this game is performing late term abortions now infanticide is not something like support it's something I recommend remember if you can't kill your enemies today you can still destroy them tomorrow whether or not your dynasty can survive entropy and uncertainty will depend on how tactfully you can balance the needs and wants of your realm which is completely impossible your vassals always want more land your wife always wants more jewelry and your brother always wants more of your wife try to satisfy everyone then
04:05
you'll end up satisfying no one which is why the secret to a long reign is disposing of everyone who doesn't like you after that you're safe secure and absolutely at the mercy of this game's RNG system aside from conscious actions schemes and intrigue this game is actually played by hitting the spacebar and letting I'm flow by what does time hold in store for you surprises a lot of surprises and you're gonna hate every single one of them 99% of the gameplay is based on
04:35
random events some are good some are bad and you're completely powerless to stop them having a great time not anymore you've got the plague you've got syphilis you've got lover's pox from sleeping of your maid what do you do well we only thing you can do put your trust and faith in your doctor and hope for the best also execute your maid for giving you an STI but doctor manages to cure your plague a miracle but the syphilis that's gonna be a gift that keeps on giving thank your doctor then
05:06
execute him for incompetence order a new doctor he's insane paranoid and probably a spy from Imperial China but you know what he might just be the guy for the job it turns out he wasn't the guy for the job and two of your direct heirs are now dead they found rice grains in their chamber but no conclusive evidence oh well anyway your spy master informs you that your doctor is trying to murder you you confront him and make him feel very guilty about it he agrees to stop trying to murder you more of your children end
05:38
up dead also while you are battling a lifelong struggle with sti's your wife was having an affair with your other wife and you you've got to actually god bless being a Muslim luckily lesbianism is no risk to your dynasty yes in Crusader Kings to having a homosexual wife is probably the best decision you could possibly make but it doesn't save you because your doctor just saved you from a life of sexually transmitted disease by killing you with a lethal dose of Chinese herbal remedies
06:09
so try hard as you might all your efforts will eventually come to ruin you'll get cooked and then you die quit the game then start again ultimately you're playing Crusader Kings 2 for the journey not the outcome and the stories you create in the process are unique to your experience no game will go quite the same which is why there's no reason for me to explain mechanics instead let me share some stories once I played as Charlemagne king of the Franks after my brother died of natural causes I was left to think on
06:41
how I would conquer the rest of Europe however RNG interrupted my schemes just like that I woke up one day and I was gay most unfortunate however fortunately for me another man of immense power was simultaneously struck with homo lust the Pope and so I seduced the Pope Pope Stefan is referred was an utterly geriatric recluse but I knew deep down inside his soul he was just misunderstood I wrote him a romantic poem roses are red violets are blue I
07:13
like penis and so do you my words reached him and had very intended effect inside his heart and soon I was inside the Pope the church was oblivious to our forbidden love they had no idea old Stephanus was aching for more than just back pain turns out it was very advantageous to have the Pope as your lover any piece of Catholic land I wanted he granted in exchange for a French sausage I received the entire Christian continent and that's of a historically accurate account of how
07:44
Charlemagne took Europe by taking the Pope's ass in another game my plate is the Polish because I enjoy being abused by my enemies and my supposed friends who need more land how much more land well however much I had luckily the bubonic plague began to ravage Europe I lost most of my territory from before so I didn't feel too bad about it my peasants in fair livelihood were now somebody else's problem meanwhile myself in my court went into hiding the gates were shut the
08:15
keys were thrown away until all of his boils over however we had a nother problem food or of a lack of it I didn't really think about that I assumed every Kingdom in the Middle Ages just had a Tesco Express around the corner so we waited we starved and then we found an amazing solution why not eat the rest of a quart I mean they're not working anyway so we did just that and it was entirely sustainable because I kept repeatedly inviting beautiful women to
08:46
join my court to be consumed by a quart I'm not proud of what I did but I did what I had to which it turned out was completely unnecessary apparently Poland was not affected by the Black Plague and I sort of just freaked out and ate a lot of innocent people for absolutely no reason look I'm not very good at this game luckily such horrific events are unlikely in modern times because of modern health care and sanitation however if a plague did have to start
09:16
somewhere our mold yeah but you know I'm not the one responsible for you guys leaving organic matter for so long the we have fluffy organic matter that would definitely be inside my friends apartment for my last game I decided to break history and play with custom parameters I designed it so every country was ruled by teenage girls aged 14 and over
09:51
it was pure chaos it was a period of intense suffering also I later found out I forgot to turn off great conquerors so eventually most of a known world was overrun by Genghis Khan and her teenage sorority luckily she mostly left me alone unfortunately even if I got a matrilineal marriage ere succession laws would mean that any child I produce might try and overthrow me I was screwed figuratively but once again RNG tossed me a bone through intense meditation and satanic
10:22
rituals I became immortal on the other hand I also became an insane lunatic and one day in the style of Caligula I replaced one of my counselors with a horse I was infatuated yet I couldn't marry him our legal system was not advanced enough to consider human horse relations more importantly that game didn't let me so I used an exploit I made my horse a bishop and in the process of turning my pony into a priest he automatically filled an entire kingdom with horses which somehow could
10:54
be married so I married and made love to a horse producing an entire Royal line of that had no concern for the decadent ways of man they were pure and majestic their only concerns were eating carrots and [ __ ] in the streets at this point my queen was like a bakery because she was getting bread there's many stories to tell but you get the general idea every game you ever play we'll start with honest sincere intentions which will inevitably be corrupted and reduced to the most depraved and malicious acts you could ever conceive
11:25
but hey it's fun of course no game like Crusader Kings 2 is complete without multiplayer and Friends which always ends with everyone sleeping with your wife this happened so often that I sleep with everyone else's wife just in case success for every every man's wife at the moment that's because there's my three men in vailable this [ __ ] country multiplayer and is great some of the best shenanigans take place in multiplayer and luckily only the host has to have a free billion DLC packs
11:57
necessary to make this game playable the base game much like a woman in her mid 40s is a bit barren you really need the DLC to add some basic features that should have been in the base game I think C k2 is a wonderful game but it's also a game published by Paradox which is why even though I love it and I can't recommend it because the whole damn thing costs around anything from 120 to 200 dollars with that same amount of money you can satisfy your daily caloric intake for 17 to 28 days on nothing but
12:27
dollar menu cheeseburgers from McDonald's one of the most basic and essential components to human life but if you've got the money to spare and go for it or just marry someone rich most people do it for a visa you can do it for video games alternatively there are ways to obtain the dlc south-east london hole-in-the-wall take the USB stick and don't look back if you do run if you hesitate I'm not responsible and I don't know you good luck and if you're not fully satisfied don't worry there's an entire modding community out
12:58
there to fix all your issues and it's not too difficult to mod the game yourself in my case I always get PTSD from all the deaf sounds which play each time a family member bites the dust' which well have a listen for yourself I think you'd agree these are a little bit unnerving so I replaced every deaf sound with a bass boosted sound clip of Lego Yoda now this is much more soothing to the ears I don't even mind when people die now it sounds great
13:41
final score I hope you enjoyed reading this essay and as much as I enjoyed writing it after playing this game for so long I finally figured out its purpose the primary goal of Crusader Kings 2 and perhaps life itself isn't about living a good or bad life it's about living an interesting life and inevitably to die an interesting death so you can loudly proclaim on your deathbed thank God I didn't waste it all on a boring life once you're dead and buried you won't just be a footnote in history you'll be an interesting footnote in history take and do whatever
14:13
you please in this life because eventually it ends and life can take anything and everything away from you except your stories so better make them interesting because we're all heading towards the same destination 7 out of 10 I enjoyed it I think it's very interesting however I'm always filled with regret and a constant state of what-ifs what if I just spent all that money on cheeseburgers would I be happier I don't know I guess it would depend on whoever the burgers were fresh or just the hot stale garbage they leave
14:43
for a couple of hours as always more content to come so stay tuned a warm thanks to the many members of a merchants guild generously funding and bankrolling these videos you're all truly wonderful have a good one crush my part with a rock god it must max the pain I must endure okay here we go [Music] [Music] Maksym I must
16:00
my part will provide maximum crush [Applause]

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