When the invisible child grows up...

When the invisible child grows up...

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00:06
hi everyone i'm dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel on narcissism it's my hope that the content on this channel will help you make sense of these difficult relationships people and situations and help you cope better with these situations so we've been doing sort of a series of videos on the you know the family roles like golden child scapegoat and all that but the question for a lot of folks is like you're like yeah i was like this is a child but what happens to the people who hold these different family roles
00:37
and so this this series of videos is going to break this down sort of roll by role and this idea what happened to them in this particular video we're going to take on the role of what hap we're going to take on the issue of what happens to the invisible child when they grow up like for a minute let's just review the what the invisible child is about these are the children in the narcissistic family system who are almost sort of forgotten and certainly overlooked either they are the ones that are not bringing the narcissistic supply that the parent or parents want
01:08
or they are not serving functions that the parents want or need or they don't make the parents look good and often there are other children or other sources of supply in the system that can do this they may also have a parent or parents that fall more into the neglectful narcissist realm and as a result the parents really didn't want the daily demands of a child and do the minimum and resent any demands made on their time or interests the
01:40
invisible child is unseen so their interests are often not cultivated their needs are overlooked and there can be sort of a mild scapegoat element that the invisible child gets so forgotten that they will often be the punchline of the joke oh hey junior didn't even see you there maybe we should put a bell on your neck those kinds of throwaway and hurtful comments in some cases there is the possibility that the invisible child may be naturally and temperamentally
02:11
introverted and as a result are not clamoring for attention aren't making any trouble in the family system and so it is almost easier sadly for the narcissistic parent or parents who are so egocentric that they notice little to just simply forget about this kid the invisible child may also internalize the message that being sort of unseen and quiet maybe what the parents want so sadly they may think that remaining invisible
02:41
may just be the only path to getting loved by these parents so let's break down some of the good and the bad that this invisible child legacy can raise let's get the tough parts out of the way okay the invisible child in some ways does have a gift in a narcissistic family system it's better to be the invisible child than the scapegoat obviously because the scapegoat takes on much more overt abuse and this actually watching this happen to the scapegoat can reinforce the value
03:12
of invisibility to the invisible child the invisible child may rather cannily assess the situation and feel that to not be seen around here is a hell of a lot safer than being seen and mistreated but this can reinforce a not wanting to be seen in general just in the world at large there can be an invisibility the invisible child takes into life as a whole into school into peers into how they present themselves as they grow professionally and to be an invisible child
03:42
also means a narrative of maybe i'm not worthy of being seen if your family can't or won't notice you it can literally feel like hubris to believe that this will happen elsewhere so it can shape the sense of self-worth of the invisible child of it's okay you can skip over me i'm not that important some people may be quick to write the invisible child who becomes the somewhat invisible adult as shy socially anxious or uncomfortable
04:13
being the center of attention but if the prevailing narrative is that you really don't bear being noticed and there is a slight safety in not being noticed it can render a self-narrative that i am not worthy of being seen not being seen over time can leave a person again feeling unworthy diminish self-esteem and limit a person's ability to advocate for themselves and create safety in the world to be invisible can steal your voice
04:44
there is also an anxiety that can surround the invisible child they may be uncomfortable with being seen now remember in a narcissistic family system for most children except maybe the golden child being seen was not always a good thing so there may be an anxiety for the invisible child when they're seen and when they are seen may become fearful like oh no when you get noticed that's when things really go wrong and
05:13
sadly again because educators and school systems do not understand narcissistic parents and how they affect children and how that manifests in the classroom they are more likely to write the child off as pathologically shy or socially anxious and make it about drawing the child out or writing the child off as immature rather than recognizing that the child is never seen at home and being seen may feel risky for them even at school the invisible child may also internalize the message that their interests are not
05:46
worthwhile so while they have interest in any number of things without their interest being seen and cultivated as a child they may not be able to figure out how to execute that vision foster those interests or elevate them via education it hurts my soul to think how much great art or science or writing or other gifts we haven't seen from the invisible children out there who never felt worthy of sharing their gifts with the world or never got the chance to develop these
06:17
skills because they were never seen in adulthood this pattern of the invisible child runs the risk of setting themselves up to be overlooked professionally and personally they may not put themselves or feel worthy of putting themselves out for anything they won't try for things where they may be featured like in a play or playing an instrument or speaking in front of a group they may not want to dress or present themselves in a way that would garner notice by people in the world
06:46
they may not want to take other personal risks like applying for a program or an award or a school and this means that the invisible child never gets to highlight or showcase their talents but the world because of that misses out on these talents as well another issue is that the invisible child will find this dynamic reproduces in adult relationships to be overlooked in friendships to be an afterthought in the workplace and to choose partners
07:17
who do not see them the invisibility becomes part of their identities and that can lead them their needs their wants and their hopes to get missed because this dynamic gets replicated but as with all of these types that arise out of narcissistic family systems all is not lost the invisible child has a decided advantage one thing they can do better than almost any other family role is to disappear from the family system
07:48
nobody noticed them so if they have the wherewithal or ability they may just cut bait and move or just not engage and it won't make as strong an impact as the loss of the punching bag when the scapegoat tries to go or the loss of supply when the golden child tries to go because narcissistic families though are so manipulative if the invisible child does try to jump as they get older and come into adulthood sometimes the family will then try to
08:20
stop them but more often than not the invisible child can make a cleaner break than other family roles invisible children can actually have a better shot of making a fresh start outside of the family system and perhaps to even reinvent themselves however there's still going to be grief at the not being part of a family system that feeling is real and can persist in addition i do believe that the invisible child may have tremendous strengths in imagination self-regulation self-care
08:52
self-sustenance they may be more able to be independent more quickly otherwise if they don't get to learn it and to be independent they're going to be screwed because no one's noticing their needs they may learn to take care of their things more responsibly prepare meals and i know that that feels sad and neglectful but many invisible children are quite industrious and innovative there is a survivalism this role can pull for and they may learn that skill that a lot of adults never get the ability to be alone and to take care of themselves
09:24
no child should have to learn this young but this unfortunate skill can actually pay dividends for some invisible children down the road in terms of moving forward therapy is also essential for the invisible child as a place to actually get to start reshaping their narrative and worthiness to be seen and to substantiate themselves to bolster a sense of self-worth and work through the social anxiety about being seen as maya angelou says
09:56
there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you the invisible child can expand on this because i believe that there is also no greater agony than bearing an unseen reality inside of you please all you invisible children out there please know you're seen you are seen and you are worthy of being seen all of us are don't let these rules define you thanks again

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