Stop Defending Yourself To The Narcissist!

Stop Defending Yourself To The Narcissist!

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Language: English

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00:00
we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial
00:34
i'm going to be rather blunt with you today because i'm hoping that in doing so i can help you stay out of the snares that the narcissists in your life will lay right in front of you now let's begin with one really large thought and that is one of the singular greatest wastes of psychic energy is you defending yourself to the a person who has a pathological need to control you i want you to let that thought soak in
01:05
narcissists with their self enamored and their grandiose kinds of thoughts about who they are their sense of entitlement their need to be in control uh they they want to play games with you and if they can keep you in some sort of a safe state of disarray it's just like you're stepping into their swamp with them and they're going to beat you at it every single time let's just remind ourselves of who we're dealing with here narcissists by definition are going to be bossy
01:35
they are your accuser they're going to demean you they're going to twist your words they're going to mock you they're going to misrepresent your thoughts and your feelings they're going to interrupt you they're going to hold you in contempt that's what they do it's a defining feature and so whenever they come at you with these kinds of behaviors a huge mistake that you can make is to expend your psychic energy defending yourself to that see let's keep in mind narcissists themselves
02:07
are the very embodiment of defensiveness they have this shield around themselves they're not able to be open they're not able to be agreeable they're not able to be engaging in a healthy kind of way to them a relationship with you is little more than a competition and in their mind it's offense defense and part of their defense is to offend you and so what i'm hoping you can do is remind yourself of the pathology that you're dealing
02:40
with here so that you don't get pulled into that very unhealthy game so let's keep in mind narcissists themselves are the embodiment of defensiveness let's let's go through some thoughts here about who this person is in front of you that you feel like you need to defend yourself to and then we're going to rethink this whole defensive thing see let's keep in mind narcissists are the consummate builder of walls that's what they do they hide behind walls and you cannot penetrate you
03:11
cannot get through to them and engage with them in any kind of a successful way they constantly deflect uh attention from their faults they put it on to you they're deflectors they greatly fear rejection which is why they come on so strong in the offensive way because they they don't want to be rejected by you they feel incompetent when it comes to managing stress it's like i don't know what to do with stress oh i know i'll blame you i'll make you look bad
03:43
they desperately don't want you to see them struggle that's part of their defensiveness they're simply incapable of saying the words i was wrong as a result they'll say you are wrong they live in chronic denial of their own obvious problems uh they project their psychological tensions onto you they see in you what they don't want to come to terms with inside themselves uh they're known as
04:15
pathological liars they're keepers of secrets uh they can spin all sorts of false narratives as they try to explain life to you they can justify in themselves what is obviously wrong they make excuses for their own personal moral failures they cannot receive input at all they'll sabotage you behind your back
04:46
they are absurdly thin skinned they'll stonewall you they'll go into hiding when they don't get their way have i made my point defensiveness defines a narcissist it's just simply what they are now i want you to go back and take note of that notion about how your defensiveness represents a great waste of psychic energy why in the world
05:19
would you feel the need to defend yourself to that person they're not going to turn around and say well now that you're defending yourself to me well my whole approach towards you is going to be different they're not going to do it they have no insight they have no desire to engage with you in any kind of healthy way now i want you to just ask some very basic questions do you need that offense defense narcissist approval do you need that
05:49
person's affirmation is that really necessary do you need that person's blessing do you need their acceptance do you somehow or another need their endorsement do you need their coordination or cooperation with life and and i realize that would be nice but do you have to have that in order for you to move forward stop you don't need all of that from the narcissist they're terribly like i say
06:20
terribly pathological individuals and the more you go into your defense of your position with them you're simply inside their swamp now there there's some some crucial truths that i want you to uh to be aware of that i hope that you can sidestep uh from here on out as you engage with narcissist and that is the more you go into your defensiveness with that person you're basically saying number one i'm putting you in charge of my validity
06:51
think that one through i'm putting that narcissistic person in charge of me feeling like a valid person no or number two you're also implying i can't move forward without your understanding yes you can drop that thought too or a third thing that i want you to put your focus on when you defend yourself to that narcissist you're saying i see you as the one who wields the power
07:22
they don't that doesn't have to be the case unless of course you ascribe that power to them or a fourth thought that i want you to look at is when you're defending yourself with that narcissist you're basically saying i can't be defend i can't be decisive until you agree with me that once you agree with me i'll be decisive no you can be decisive with or without that pathological person's behavior or a fifth thought i want you to come to terms with and that is uh if if
07:52
you defend yourself heavily with the narcissist you're basically saying i'm gonna emotionally collapse without your support you know what i say to all of that stop it quit none of that is true now uh the the interesting thing is that the the best way for you to defend yourself is through good character let your good character be your calling card if the narcissist wants to come at you with all of their accusations and blame
08:24
and the criticisms and all of the other things that i mentioned that's what they do they're not going to say well i do see you as being somebody that i really have a high regard for they just don't think that way but you see my question is what do you think about you and if your character is good if your intentions are right uh you can explain yourself once perhaps to that narcissistic person if you're in some sort of conflict but once you do you're finished you're done and
08:54
basically you're gonna you're more or less gonna say uh i'm gonna allow me to be me i'm gonna prioritize my life as i deem to be appropriate and if you over there can't agree with me if you want to go into your defensive mode i'm not joining you there basically when that narcissist comes back as you take this mindset that i'm talking about they're going to come back with some form of rejection and my response to that is right
09:25
i i understand that you will reject me i get it that's what you are but you know what it's not what i am i don't look to you to define me stop defending yourself to a deeply dysfunctional person that's as plain as i can say it now you know that one of my mantras is dr c drc c stands for dignity respect and civility i believe in those kinds of characteristics down to the
09:57
core of my being it's something that i wish that narcissistic person could buy off on but they can't it's just not in them to do so but i'm hoping you can i want you to live with dignity and i want you to live with respect for yourself and i want you to have a sense of civility that says i am not playing uh games with this person that wants me to join them over there in their swamp i'm on team healthy and that's just where i'm going to be you can't pull me away from that don't waste your energy uh trying to defend yourself to someone
10:27
who has that pathological need to control you do expend your energy on being a person of good character that's just something a narcissist doesn't relate to but i'm hoping it's something that defines you be a person of character now i do hope that videos such as this will give you some good thought to uh stimulate uh personal insights if you've not already done so i would encourage you to go beneath and hit that subscribe button uh if you have a need for counseling and
10:59
i know that some of you uh have a desire to pack this unpack this with people i would encourage you if you have someone in your area to do so if you don't have somebody in your area we've vetted a group that's a sponsor of ours and we have a link below for online counseling and i would encourage you to seek that out if that's necessary in addition we have other resources we have our uh our website survivingnarcissism.tv with lots of articles and quizzes and things and dr lescarter.com we have my free to be a workshop and it's a very extensive course about
11:30
you know finding who you are uh really in relation to the controllers in your life and then in addition we have links to books and other kinds of things below so i would encourage you to uh avail yourself to that there's a stubbornness in me that says i am not about to let a very pathological person define me um and part of that is i don't i don't want to be defined as a defensive person i i want to be somebody that's going somewhere good i want to be a person that's uh that's committed to my own steadiness
12:00
and decency and i'm hoping that's something you can join me with and in doing so i hope that you can find your place of peace [Music]

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