ELONA REVIEW | JRPG | Open World Insemination

ELONA REVIEW | JRPG | Open World Insemination

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Language: English

Type: Robot

Number of phrases: 278

Number of words: 1911

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hey people Seth here recently I've been playing the pinnacle of Japanese culture a game called Alona and also realized there are no real reviews of Alona since the game is largely played by weeps and man children myself included I felt this is a huge shame because there's really nothing that comes close to the bizarre and wonderful world that is Alona Alona is a turn-based roguelike RPG with a lot of sandbox elements it's
00:31
also completely [ __ ] free so go find and download the latest copy of Alona plus and play that [ __ ] because it's fun as [ __ ] I'll attach a direct link with everything you need in the video description there is also usually a general discussion thread on JP and the weebs fair know far more about the game than me in terms of gameplay Alona operates on a very conventional design style for Vachon rrah you control your character from a third-person
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perspective move with buttons on the numpad and use the entire keyboard to access different interaction menus if you get a bit scared by that layout Alona also offers a little graphical context menu that allows you to access virtually every menu by just pressing Z X or C and that's as much as the game gives you as for the rest it leaves you to figure that out for yourself would you like to be a brawny manlet dwarf
01:33
fighter or a horrific mutant that grows an extra limb every few levels and can eventually swing eight different axes at once or a snail pianist who has to slowly sliver to his next concert while being crushed to death by his poor choice of profession or a literal suicide bomber who gives cities of a sweet taste of nuclear annihilation all these examples are possible and that's why people keep coming back to the game even continuing development after the
02:04
original coders left for other projects story the game takes place in the land of North Terrace which sometimes experiences on pleasant weather conditions in the form of ether wind ether wind is a mild gust of magical [ __ ] side-effects of which may include random mutations malignancy and the progression of yfir disease which is really just the first two examples mixed together with becoming a deformed abomination since the magical wind tumors are
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magical everyone points a blame towards the elves about time someone dealt with these knife eared [ __ ] anyway everyone hates elves but the ship you're on crashes and elves help you recover and then make you eat the corpse of a homeless person after giving you a tutorial in the controls they [ __ ] off to give the King a message then some [ __ ] happens and I didn't really pay attention because it's all English [ __ ] a story isn't the main focus of a game
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and thank God because it's some typical anime plot which can be summarised as this go very deep into emperor hirohito script and keep emperor hirohito from rising from the underworld as he plans to reinstate imperialist Japan and the Liberal Democrat Party of Japan is [ __ ] their pants because after he consolidates power he'll publicly execute the spineless cuckolds that took us money and sold their own country from under their feet
03:38
that's as much as I can review the game is too weird to be held to standard criteria so instead I'll tell you some of my personal adventures and experiences to sell you on it as soon as you get out of a tutorial cave and enter the first town you can choose a starting pet the options are fairly standard cat dog bear or little girl naturally I chose a little girl sadly my little girl drank from a dodgy well and got pregnant halfway through a dungeon
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escort mission so I had to fend off monsters fend off children coming out of my little girl while frantically looking through my inventory for something to abort the endless stream of fetuses luckily I still had two bottles of uric acid the most effective way to terminate an unwanted alien pregnancy many quests in this game are randomly generated and lead to a great deal of hilarity I received a contract from a town guard who wanted me to get another villagers key we through fair means or
04:43
foul I found the citizen offered to trade something for his Kiwi only to find that since the quest had been posted on the public notice board the Kiwi had rotted inside the man's inventory I traded for it anyway and somehow this was still acceptable by the guard I promptly receives monetary compensation and extra karma something that is very useful for not getting [ __ ] by the authorities right after that the guard ate a [ __ ] raw and
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kiwi hadn't vomited my karma sank lower than the amount I gained for doing the quest as I was an accomplice to food poisoning sometimes a villager will ask you to get something for her son's birthday like a broken vase garbage a dangerous wand that could potentially maim your child or just an actual piece of [ __ ] the parental instinct in this game is great as harming grown adults incurs a karma penalty and guard intervention while attacking and killing a child carries no
05:46
such repercussions meaning that Alona genuinely just borrows from the Greek school of ethics where a child isn't legally a person unless you survived have a ripe old age of 13 and get to vote when there Ferdie the same villager may then ask you to clear the woods of dangerous monsters such as hermit crabs unlicensed nurses and unattended children some of the quests can even be completely rigged I've had missions where you need to escort someone's family member
06:17
safely to another town only to discover that the family member in question is a trained camicazi samurai I didn't exactly know what that meant until I got ambushed by bandits during VA escort to defend his family's honor the samurai instantly charged the pack of them and exploded causing me to fail the quest whose reputation lose even more karma and be instantly branded a criminal and if you're a criminal life is hard there's only one city in the game
06:47
that'll take you which is Durfee a place with no guards but many many prostitutes you can complete quests here and attempt to raise your karma out of criminality if only half of the quest givers were actually reachable half of a time the shopkeepers will start openly [ __ ] [ __ ] in front of you blocking all conversation until they're finished by the way there's also a sanity mechanic in this game which for some reason reduces your sanity after using a hooker
07:19
maybe from the rampant herpes they carry I don't know in rare circumstances this means that a citizen giving out a quest [ __ ] a hooker goes insane and attempts to attack the hooker however being insane greatly lowers their stats meaning the hooker nearly always wins the brawl and kills the citizen instead preventing you from starting or completing a quest until they magically respawn days later by which time the contract may have already expired and you get penalized with fervor karma
07:50
penalties after much hardship how they fought there must be a safer way to make money so I took the Performing music for tips getting tips however requires that you finish your performance which is really hard when made away someone decides they don't like your performance and fro [ __ ] rock in your face half of a time this is done by guards because killing terrible musicians isn't a crime in alona on the other hand everything is a crime if it's done by you I learned later how to pickpocket but as my skill
08:22
level was very low wanted to practice on something easy like piles of clothing or trees yes you can pickpocket a tree and steal it from authority then as I'm peacefully uprooting trees in the woods a [ __ ] ghost flies past and calls for the guards to arrest me even in the depths of a wilderness if a hideous abomination lurking the underbrush sees you pilfering a chestnut they'll make sure the authorities know about your wicked sins it did pay off in
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the end though did you know you can steal from monsters forevermore did you know you can steal the arm off a mecha and prevent him from fighting back allowing you to potentially kill the level 30 monster and level up several dozen times it's true and just don't let them catch you in the act or the fantasy Popo will have a word with you raising skills requires you to spend quest rewards but raising attributes is a bit more complex it's a slower process
09:24
since the gains are exponentially better one of the hardest to raise is charisma as it directly allows you to have more followers servants and adventurers in your party that is unless you eat engagement rings you heard me right engagement rings any item that has an inherent attribute bonus on it like engagement rings which give five extra charisma will in theory give you those attributes if you somehow eat them so you stack a lot of scrolls of inferior
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material and degrade that metal ring repeatedly until it turns to paper then into cloth then into [ __ ] meat and guzzle on that [ __ ] after swallowing enough meat rings you'll be utterly irresistible even as I was writing this review Halloween came around in Alona so trick-or-treaters came to my house dressed as Skellington and asked me if I want a trick-or-treat I asked for a treat so they called the cops some days later more skeletons came around and
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asked me the same question I picked trick so if a Molotov to my [ __ ] house and burnt down my bed [ __ ] those kids a karma loss is a small price to pay for their screams and there's only some of a crazy [ __ ] that's happened to me Alona is a game that keeps on giving much like chlamydia it also satisfies your JRPG grinding itch much unlike chlamydia the burning of which will only get more intense as you ignore the symptoms and avoid seeing your local GP
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it is very japanese so you can either do interesting things and explore the world or hellenistic lee grind your stats and skills to the point where you can kill god and then the god inside that god japan alona is a game that defies description and [ __ ] on convention a game where you can marry your own dog genetically engineer a child to have more feet so they can wear two pairs of shoes or kill a dragon by throwing
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alcohol at it until it's too drunk to defend itself it's really an experience and i can't say anything more of and go and give it a spin and see if you like it as always hope you enjoyed the review more videos coming soon and remember everybody loves Shana's ass

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