How Narcissists Awaken Your SHAME Wound To Cause You To Seek Their Approval/Love

How Narcissists Awaken Your SHAME Wound To Cause You To Seek Their Approval/Love

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hello friends today we're talking about narcissist and shame okay i've often said that narcissists are like sharks sharks can detect blood from 1760 feet in the distance that's a pretty big distance for them to detect a small amount of blood okay well narcissists can detect even a small amount of shame from a distance as well a distance in time
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in other words it may not be that you feel shame at the moment you may feel great okay you may have gotten out of all toxic relationships you feel like you are your best self at the moment however if you have a shame wound from the past that you don't heal narcissists can detect it and they can open that wound and when they do this is the crazy part when they do you are then acting from that place of
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shame not from the adult that you are but from the age of the child that originally felt it and when it was stifled inside of you from the past okay that may not make sense but i promise watch this video to the end and it all does come together with that in mind let's get started for those that don't know me my name is michelle i'm a life and relationship coach i specialize in helping people through narcissistic abuse recovery and complex ptsd recovery i'm also the founder of the thriver
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school of transformation which is a monthly membership where we meet live weekly and we go through the healing journey together if you want to try it out free for seven days i'll leave a link here back to the narcissist and shame i feel like this topic is so important because if we don't heal those old wounds narcissists know how to open them up so let's first talk about what is that shame wound okay shame is basically not that you've done
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something bad that's guilt shame's cousin so to speak shame is you're bad not there's something wrong with your action or something that you've done there's something wrong with you and it's usually instilled by parents that reject your authenticity that make you feel bad at those moments when you're just being you for example if you had a parent that when you cried they got angry right they made you feel like
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that emotion of feeling sad was bad and that if you allowed yourself that emotion there was something wrong with you and it could also be instilled not just with negative emotions right i don't think any emotion is negative i think they're all serve a purpose but even with emotions that are deemed by society to be positive emotions like happiness can be a source for a parent to inflict shame for example let's say you're just happy
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one day you're just excited you're feeling good you're enjoying something you're doing and if you had a narcissistic parent and they make you feel bad as if you're doing something wrong for enjoying something for you okay these are different ways that toxic parents can instill shame and the truth is is that it never makes sense and sadly children get stuck in trying to make sense out of it right which is normal it's what it's what we do
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but the reality is their anger doesn't make sense and it's wrong shame is a really heavy emotion it's a heavy emotion in adulthood but in childhood it is extremely heavy it's almost like you are exiled from your family you feel exiled from others right because you feel like there's something wrong but you don't really have the words to understand it you feel exiled from yourself your own authentic self is like
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sent into exile deep within right you're not allowed to be that authentic self you have to do and be whatever you have to do in order to appease the toxic parent there's a lot of pain associated with that kind of rejection and i mean even in adulthood when somebody rejects you your authentic self that hurts that creates pain but in childhood it's not just pain it's also a matter of life or death because think about it if your caregiver
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rejected you your caregiver is responsible for your life for your survival which means that rejection and abandonment by that that caregiver is associated not only with rejection but fear and survival gets kicked on so what happens in childhood what happens in childhood is that your brain starts to notice that that emotion is causing you a lot of harm a lot of pain and our brain is designed to push us
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towards pleasure and to pull us away from pain but we're too young to leave the narcissistic parents house right we can't physically leave so the brain develops a way to have you kind of separate emotionally and the pain of the shame so the pain the shame the abandonment the rejection they get stored in your brain almost compartmentalized frozen in this other part of your brain because your brain is trying to keep you from feeling it and then you go into all
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these coping skills and and that's a whole nother topic on what happens after that but let's just for the sake of this video there are pieces of us that if we repressed they are still active in our subconscious mind but we don't really have access to them so they can be compartmentalized and the reason i'm bringing this up is because a lot of people wind up leaving their toxic families home and they start creating their life they start getting better they start feeling empowered
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and if they never come across another narcissist again their life just gets better and better and they become safe or they feel safer more and more being their authentic self however if they come across a narcissist the narcissist knows how to wake up those frozen pieces that i talked about that you just don't even notice that that's dormant shame right it's there somewhere but you don't really notice it because you're living your life things are going well but a narcissist knows
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how to use that dormant shame to kind of reel you in one of the ways they do this is if you shared with them something painful from the past right you shared a shameful memory with them a shameful event that you went through they find ways to bring it up in conversation in a way that doesn't seem like an attack but it doesn't feel good either and if you were to say anything they'll twist it around as if there's something wrong with you for calling them out on that when they're
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just trying to talk and be there for you they'll twist it right but what they're doing is that they're starting to touch that shame wound to see if they can activate it another thing that they can do is start indirectly blaming you for things that aren't your fault remember very closely associated with shame is blame right it's somehow your fault because in childhood you couldn't look at your parents and say oh it's their fault that this is happening
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i mean you could do that as an adult but in childhood you couldn't because if you were to accept that they were doing what they were doing and they were inadequate parents that would mean that you're in danger right so on a subconscious level your brain knows that so it starts blaming self instead of putting the blame on the people responsible for your life but the most common way at the beginning of a relationship the most common way that they do this is by distancing themselves
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so they probably detect that dormant shame wound just like the shark can detect it from 1760 feet away they've detected that it's there and so what they'll do is they'll shower you with a lot of attention and then pull away and watch what happens now in the beginning you'll just feel a little bit of unease but when they do this after a couple of times what happens is it wakes up that dormant shame wound
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okay and once it's woken up this is the crazy thing once that wound that's been frozen and you haven't looked at it it hasn't bothered you it hasn't been affecting your life once it's activated it's not activated from the adult that you are at the moment it's not like at that moment you're feeling upset that they're not calling you yes you are but what i'm trying to say is the shame that intense empowering emotion that comes up that feels like it's like choking you from the inside out that's coming from the past
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that's the emotion that your brain decided was too overwhelming for you to feel in childhood now suddenly it's coming up now and what happens when it does because it's coming up from the past and it's coming from the areas of your brain for example it's coming from your limbic system which is your alarm center there are no words and there is no time in that part of the brain so that's why we say in emotional flashbacks like we get confused with past and present it's
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that what's happening is that your body and your subconscious is seeing the actions that are taking place in the in the moment and it's experiencing them as if it was a memory which is waking up the dormant shame inside of you so that strong emotion comes up basically from whatever age your brain froze it at so if the shame came from four years old you feel it with the intensity you did as a four-year-old it's very much why when we're in those situations i've had so many clients tell
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me michelle that moment i felt like a child like i didn't feel like an adult anymore that's what happens when your dormant shame gets woken up what makes this so dangerous what makes it so dangerous is that at four years old for your survival you had to appease you had to do whatever you could do to keep your caregivers happy because your survival was dependent on it but your survival isn't dependent right now on this person that's doing this to
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you however your brain gets confused and it feels like it is and when that happens you start chasing the love the approval the acceptance no matter how much they're rejecting and toying with your feelings and treating you bad it's almost like this compulsion inside of you to fix to heal to mend what's going on almost as if your life depends on it and that's because your shame wound was woken up and you
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are acting out of that shame wound from the age that it was frozen the trauma was frozen inside of you instead of from the adult that you are in the moment so what this means the point that i'm hoping i get across with this video is that it's not enough to leave narcissistic parents it's not enough to leave toxic friendships or relationships if you don't heal that
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shame wound you will be in a position to have somebody try to touch on that and see if they can reopen it and if they do then you will be acting in ways you'll you'll almost feel like somebody else is taking control of your body and in a sense it's almost like your inner child has woken up and they're running your life now so my advice is to heal the wounds that's my biggest underlying advice to everyone is do the inner work to heal
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those wounds don't make your healing journey all about leaving the narcissist and memorizing red flags make it about healing within so that you are resistant to toxic people because you're going to come across them and if you're struggling you don't have to do this alone there's a beautiful growing community in the thriver school of transformation i'll leave the link here you can try it out for seven days we have weekly zoom meetings we also have breath work sessions we do eft together there's a lot of support that
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you can have on your healing journey

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