Narcissists use this to measure people

Narcissists use this to measure people

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00:06
hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel on narcissism it's my hope that the content on this channel will help you make sense of these difficult relationships and figure out ways to navigate heal and recover from narcissistic abuse so we're going to go back to a series we've been doing for a little while here on money and narcissism as we know it's a very complicated space so let's go to this idea of for narcissistic people money is how
00:36
they measure the value and the worth of people so this whole series on money gets at this really fraught space money and narcissism is actually probably one of the sources of some of the most incendiary conflicts and confusion of these relationships the whole issue of money and narcissism doesn't make a lot of sense so let's break this issue down that this is how they measure the value of other people now in many cases especially in more grandiose presentations of narcissism there is a real elitism narcissistic
01:09
people measure people by where they live what they drive what they wear and how much money they make for folks who are narcissistic it is hard for them to measure people on anything but something that's really countable or quantifiable they aren't going to look at people through a lens of goodness or kindness or respect for narcissistic people it's all about
01:39
status and money is the clearest symbol of status in our society it's actually quite interesting to watch a narcissistic person fawn now we know so many of us do it with the narcissist ourselves but when somebody has a lot of money it's the narcissist who will be the one who's the fauner it's actually quite interesting to watch a narcissistic person fawn so many of us are the ones
02:11
who fawn over the narcissists but when someone has money it's the narcissist who becomes the fauner it's actually like watching a kind of twisted magical transformation to see them going from being a grumpy arrogant rageful jerk with you to oohing and eyeing and hanging on to every word of a wealthy person in some ways it's a very difficult moment for the narcissistic person because they often envy the wealthy
02:42
person but yet at the same time for a person who's narcissistic their inadequacy is bubbling up because the wealthy person is what they want to be or has something they want and then on top of that the narcissistic person's grandiosity gets fed by being in proximity to that person it's very confusing for them and interestingly after being with that fancy wealthy person the narcissistic person is more likely to be rageful towards you after that encounter or with anybody that they perceive as just being mere mortals
03:12
because the narcissistic person's insecurity was activated by being with the wealthy person and they expended a lot of bandwidth fawning over them so you can see it's a dance right but the narcissistic person always measures people by money and here again is where you can't win odds are that they probably devalue you because you don't make enough money now if you did make a lot more money than them then they will be sullen and angry and insecure and victimized because you make
03:43
more money than them you can't win it's for this reason that it is also all but impossible to build your career up on a narcissist watch if you were already successful or doing what you do when you met them then you can keep it going because that's what they knew you do but if you were to try to build something up from the ground up while you were in the relationship you will be invalidated in your quest all the time your sense of self and your belief in yourself
04:13
will have been eroded so much that it will feel impossible to envision and execute your dream if you try to execute it while you're in a relationship with a narcissist but another key dynamic to keep in mind is that narcissistic people also view people through the through the perspective of how much those other people are costing them please remember something that i have said over and over again on this channel almost all relationships for narcissistic people are transactional
04:44
if they put money into you they expect a return and that return is usually supply but if you aren't giving them the supply that they want or they have grown tired of your supply then they will start viewing you as a liability children will be viewed as an expense ex spouses or partners will be viewed as an expense current spouses or partners will be viewed as an expense aging parent as an expense less well-off
05:14
friends or family as an expense and the cruelest of tricks is that so many narcissistic people because they are quite controlling and also can't be bothered with logistics especially if children will encourage a spouse or a partner to leave paid work to take care of the household which initially feels like oh look we're a partnership because remember it's also easier for a narcissistic person if someone is taking care of them and that's their job but at the same time catch 22 the narcissistic person has contempt for
05:46
that person who's staying home for taking their money and spending it and then devaluing them for not earning their own money one of the biggest mistakes a person can make in a relationship with a narcissist or one of the most precarious situations in which a person may find themselves is to be in a relationship with a narcissistic person and not have their own independent source of income as discussed as we've talked about in the financial abuse
06:17
series and one of the other videos in this series in this vid another video yeah in this series the situation will always go wrong and once again it's the catch-22 you can't win because if you do have your own employment and your own source of income they will criticize you and devalue you for not taking care of the house of them of the kids and being busy at work and a person can literally drop of exhaustion trying to work maintain an income and please the narcissistic person
06:47
you can't win but obviously the best play is to not get into one of these transactional narcissistic relationships in the first place but that's of little solace if you're already in this if you have narcissistic parents all this talk about being valued for how much money you're worth is often part of the discourse if you pursue a career you love or that is meaningful unless this career makes lots of money they will devalue it and you you could have gotten the highest honors and recognitions in your
07:19
career and made a real difference in the world but more often than not the narcissistic parents first words will be so how much money do you make in that fancy job of yours frankly you could be running in a legal hustle that pays a lot and they may very well be more proud of you money is the engine of the narcissistic relationship and it's how narcissistic people view everything and everyone many people will waste
07:49
time trying to prove to their parents look look no no look at my job like i got this award i got this and i look at my degree i got this with honors look what i do for a living or look at all these people i work with or these are all the people i help in my job and the narcissistic parents response will often be how much you make doing this or look at your brother he didn't even go to college and he makes more than you what was the point of all this money and then you go back to being the five-year-old that is still trying to get their
08:20
approval and frankly more than a few narcissistic parents out there have presented their kids with a bill when they're adults for how much it costs to raise them the mercenary and transactional nature of narcissistic relationships and the value of all things money to a narcissistic person is a universal element in these relationships a common refrain of vulnerable narcissists who are having trouble dating is if i had money i would have a girlfriend it's actually
08:51
sort of an unsettling sentiment but it allows a vulnerable narcissist to remain a victim to take no responsibility and instead frame their possible partners as all being mercenary rather than actually taking a deep look at themselves and their perspectives the way they treat people and their beliefs about the world and about money and consider whether the reason they spend most of their time alone or grumbling about life being unfair is about them and not because
09:22
they don't have enough money to buy a partner listen i'm no fool and i'm not naive i know money is lovely it certainly would make life easier for all of us but it's not an answer and to deflate everything in a human relationship to a transactional level and measure people by bank accounts and income levels is grotesque to recognize that you are being viewed and valued as part of a balance sheet really does take the metaphysical love out of it on a good year when you're on
09:53
the asset side of the balance sheet i suppose you could consider yourself lucky but in the blink of an eye you can become a liability and that's not a fun way to live or to be viewed no matter what in a narcissistic relationship i guarantee that before long it's inevitable you will be viewed as a liability but this this tendency of the narcissistic person to view people solely through the lens
10:25
of their financial worth what they're worth what they cost is a very classical and really seemingly invalidating and dismissive part of these relationships but it's a part of how narcissists and money come in to come together and make these relationships a really complicated place thanks again

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