1 - Pilot

1 - Pilot

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Language: English

Type: Robot

Number of phrases: 368

Number of words: 2402

Number of symbols: 10894

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00:00
a friendly desert community where the Sun is hot the moon is beautiful and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep welcome to night Vale [Music] hello listeners to start things off I've been asked to read this brief notice the
00:44
City Council announces the opening of a new dog park at the corner of Earl and Somerset near the Ralph's they would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park people are not allowed in the dog park it is possible you will see hooded figures in the dog park do not approach them do not approach the dog park the fence is electrified and highly dangerous try not
01:16
to look at the dog park and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures the dog park will not harm you and now the news old woman Josie out near the car lot says the Angels revealed themselves to her said they were ten feet tall radiant and one of them was black said they helped her with various household chores one of them changed a light bulb for her the
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porch light she's offering to sell the old light bulb which has been touched by an angel it was the black angel if that sweetens the pot for anyone if you're interested contact old woman Josie she's out near the car locked a new man came into town today who is he what does he want from us why his perfect and beautiful haircut why his perfect and beautiful coat he says he is a scientist
02:17
well we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives but why now why here and just what does he plan to do with all those breakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he's renting the one next to big Rico's pizza no one does a slice like big Rico no one just a reminder to all the parents out there let's talk about safety when taking your
02:49
children out to play in the scrublands and the sand wastes you need to give them plenty of water make sure there's a shade tree in the area and keep an eye on the helicopter colors are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black probably world government not a good area for play that day are they blue that's the sheriff secret police they'll keep a good eye on your kids and hardly ever take one are they painted
03:19
with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving no one knows what those helicopters are or what they want do not play in the area return to your home and lock the doors until a sheriff's secret policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed cover your ears to blot out the screens also remember Gatorade is basically soda so give your kids plain old water and
03:49
maybe some orange slices when they play [Applause] [Music] a commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today only to reappear in the night Vale Elementary gymnasium during basketball practice disrupting practice quite badly the jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second and before it could strike any players or structure it
04:20
vanished together this time apparently for good there is no word yet on if or how this will affect night Vale mountain lions game scheduled and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals the desert Bluffs cacti desert Bluffs is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms better pregame snacks and possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our
04:52
gymnasium delaying practice for several minutes at least for shame desert Bluffs for shade that New Scientist we now know the name Carlos called a town meeting he has a square jaw and teeth like a military cemetery his hair is perfect and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal
05:23
measure old woman Josie brought corn muffins which were decent but lacked salt she said the Angels had taken her salt for a godly mission and she hadn't yet gotten around to buying more Carlos told us that we are by far the most scientifically interesting community in the US and he had come to study just what is going on around here he grinned and everything about him was perfect and
05:53
I fell in love instantly [Music] government agents from a vague yet menacing agency were in the back watching I fear for Carlos I fear for night Vale I fear for anyone caught between what they know and what they don't yet know that they don't know we
06:32
received a press release this morning the night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the opening of the brand-new night Vale harbor and waterfront Recreation Area I have been to these facilities myself recently on their invitation and I can tell you that it is absolutely top-of-the-line and beautiful sturdy docking areas made from eco-friendly post-consumer material a boardwalk for pedestrians and plenty of stands ready for local food vendors and
07:03
merchants to turn into a bustling public marketplace now there is some concern about the fact that given we are in the middle of a desert there is no actual water at the waterfront and that is a definite drawback I agree for instance the boardwalk is currently overlooking sagebrush and rocks the Business Association did not provide any specific remedies for this problem but
07:34
they assured me that the new Harbor would be a big boost to night Vale nonetheless maybe wait until a flash flood and head down there for the full waterfront experience [Music] the local chapter of the NRA is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week they sent the station one to get some publicity and we're here to serve the community so I'm happy to let you all know about it the stickers
08:04
are made from good sturdy vinyl and they read guns don't kill people it's impossible to be killed by a gun we are all invincible to bullets and it's a miracle stand outside of your front door and shout NRA to order one Carlos and his team of scientists warned that one of the houses in the new development of
08:35
desert Creek out back of the elementary school doesn't actually exist it seems like it exists explained Carlos and his perfect hair like it's just right there when you look at it and it's between two other identical houses so we would make more sense for it to be there than not but he says they have done experiments and the house is definitely not there at news time the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the
09:06
non-existent house daring each other to go knock on the door a great howling was heard from the night Vale post office yesterday postal workers claimed no knowledge although passers-by described the sound as being a little like a human soul being destroyed through black magic the Indian tracker now I don't know if you've seen this guy around he's the one that appears to be of maybe slavic origin yet where's an Indian headdress
09:36
out of some racist cartoon and claims to be able to read tracks on asphalt he appeared on the scene and swore that he would discover the truth no one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously in that head so his lights seen in the sky above the Arby's not the glowing sign of Arby's
10:06
something higher and beyond that we know the difference we've caught on to their game we understand the lights above Arby's game invaders from another world ladies and gentlemen the future is here and it's about a hundred feet above the Arby's carlos and his scientists at the monitoring station near route 800 say
10:49
their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place I don't know about you folks but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be Carlos says that they've double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order to put it plainly there appears to be catastrophic
11:19
earthquakes happening right here in night Vale that absolutely no one can feel well submit an insurance claim anyway see what you can get right traffic time listeners now police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highways those cars only visible in the distance reaching unimaginable speeds leaving destinations unknown for
11:49
destinations or they would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions and doing so will not be considered following the flow of traffic however they do say that it's probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers and now the weather the old Church down the
12:24
street concrete beneath my feet the shadows of the leaves these and all the leaves these and more the leaves digging deep these and more than these you got a dig in deeper speaking in ancient tongues I stare straight at the
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Sun what I've done can't be undone these both of these these and all the bees dig in deep jeez and both of these you got a digging deeper blood on my hands but none of my soul someday God willing I will be who
13:29
[Music] number but I feel the love from every star in the sky Melanie love I will never cry a little below I will never die [Music] here they're speaking still my will is not my will I wonder what is real these both these
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these and all the B's digging deeper these and more than these got a digging deeper these at all the peace digging deeper these and all of these you gotta take it deeper and these and these I [Music]
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[Music] [Music] welcome back listeners the Sun didn't set at the correct time today Carlos and his team of scientists report they are quite certain about it they checked multiple clocks and the Sun definitely set 10 minutes later than it was supposed to I asked them if they had any explanations but they did not offer anything concrete mostly they sat in a
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circle around a desk clock staring at it murmuring and cooing still we must be grateful to have the Sun at all it's easy to forget in this hot hot hot desert climate but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the Sun the next time the Sun rises whatever time that turns out to be take a moment to feel grateful for all the warmth and light and even yes extreme heat that our
16:10
desert community is gifted with the City Council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels the reminder is that you should not know anything about this the structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information known only to the City Council men on a need-to-know basis please do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at
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the Ralph's or at the desert flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex they only tell lies and do not exist report all angel sightings to the City Council for treatment and now for a brief public service announcement alligators can they kill your children yes along those lines
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to get personal for a moment I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake going feet first and hole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry speaking of the desert flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex its owner Teddy Williams reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground city in the pen retrieval area of Lane 5d
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said he has not yet ventured into it merely peered down at it's strange spires and broad avenues he also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis apparently the entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it clattering down to the city below with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern so you
18:22
know whatever population that city has they know about us now and we might be hearing from them a very soon Carlos perfect and beautiful came into our Studios during the break earlier but declined to stay for an interview he had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes said he was testing the place for materials I don't know what materials he meant but that
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box sure whistled and beeped a lot when he put it close to the microphone it sounded like well like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up really went crazy Carlos look nervous I've never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw he left in a hurry told us to evacuate the building but then who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there settling in to
19:29
be another clear night and pretty evening here in night Vale I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with or at least good memories of when you did good night listeners goodnight welcome to night Vale is a production of commonplace books it is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and
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produced by Joseph Fink the voice of night Vale is Cecil Baldwin original music by disparition all of it can be downloaded for free at disparition dot info this episode's weather was Vinny's and more than bees also by Joseph check out commonplace books comm for more information on this show as well as our books on the unused story ideas of HP Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up
20:35
today's proper look to the north keep looking there's nothing coming in from the south

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