SUBTITLES:
Subtitles generated by robot
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hey hey people seth here today i'll be
covering a very niche
very infamous and very autistic game
that everyone's asked me to cover since
day one
a game where you and many other real
living people with
questionable social intelligence
role-play together on the worst space
station
in the universe where aliens
shapeshifters and traitors working for
rival corporations
are the least of your concerns where the
greatest threat to your own existence
are your own crew members hungry come to
the station canteen where the food is
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definitely poisoned
injured head on down to medical where
half a medication has been relabeled as
happy pills discouraged you can try
taking a painkiller instead
but it wasn't a painkiller it was lsd
having a bad trip
don't worry there's a security officer
nearby to help but he can't respond
because he was murdered and replaced by
a genetically modified monkey wearing
his uniform
hallucinating keep calm and focus on
what's real
unfortunately for you the supermassive
black hole
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expanding towards you is not a
hallucination
it is in fact very real
welcome to space station 13. space
station 13 has a very
simple premise everyone has a job your
objective
do your best to delay the station's
inevitable destruction either at the
hands of antagonists or at the hands of
your
own incompetent crew normally i give a
final score for a game at the end of a
video
not this time space station 13 10 out of
10
amazing spectacular don't play it if i'm
01:34
being perfectly honest with you space
station 13 is a fantastic game
but i genuinely don't recommend you play
it why
because the engine it's running on is
probably older than you
because the interface is a convoluted
mess and only usable because me
and every other autistic chimpanzee who
plays this game has committed the
hotkeys to muscle memory because of the
insane time investment
and commitment required for you to learn
a single role and
because to be perfectly honest the
servers can't handle all of you
at best we could handle like 30 extra
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players before you grind the servers to
a halt
for all these reasons space station 13
always was and always will be
a niche title and maybe that's for the
best but
i can offer you something else i've
already killed your hopes and dreams of
playing the game so instead let me share
some stories of my wonderful experience
with space station 13. these stories
span several years
and several different servers the names
of which will forever stay anonymous
because i respect their privacy and
because i've received frets from some of
02:38
the more colorful servers to not mention
them by name
or else what's gonna happen if i don't
comply are they gonna
hire a bitcoin assassin to run me over
with his mobility scooter is he gonna
stab me with his insulin pen i don't
know
but between you and me i hate having [ __ ]
delivered to my mailbox and would prefer
to keep it that way
anyway i remember the first time playing
space station very vividly my friends
told me to download it and hop on some
shitty server it had furries
and erotic roleplay more on that later i
03:10
entered around as an assistant my job to
give assistance and to get my hands
burnt off trying to hack into places i
don't have
access to as i'm screwing around with
airlock wires my friend comes running
down the hallway
dragging someone's unconscious body
frantically he tells me
seth quick can you open this door
sensing the urgency in his voice i do
he throws the body inside and sprints
away the airlock closes
three seconds later something explodes
what the [ __ ] was that
i ask oh yeah i fed him potassium and
water pills it takes a while to
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metabolize
my friend had just murdered a man in
cold blood by turning his body into a
living ticking potassium bomb as soon as
the man's digestive juices cracked
through the potassium tablet it reacted
violently with the water in his stomach
and exploded
killing him from inside out after such a
horrific display of homicide i realized
hey
this game's pretty good fast forward a
few weeks and i'm
learning roles calling shots and
ignoring every single rule of the server
i also ignored
every single rule of medicine i was a
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surgeon top of my class
destined to go where no licensed
professional ever has
also my friend's girlfriend started
playing with us to put it bluntly she
wasn't very good but she was
very interested in progressing the
medical field in any way
possible cargo had just delivered us
some complimentary pizza
as thanks for patching up their boys
after they got a little too intimate
with the xenomorphs on mining station
brilliance flashed before my eyes my
pupils widened i started physically
sweating because she said the words i've
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always dreamt of hearing please
turn me into a pizza and so i got to
work
nurse get me my scalpel tweezers
protractor bone gel
and the rest of the unfinished pizza one
horrified clown
watched in the operating theater as i
cleanly hacked off and
cauterized her hands and feet i opened
the pizza box and began attaching her
new cheesy limbs
help sec to surgery the clown blurted
out he's turning her into a papa john's
the head of medical stormed in with a
host of security officers to detain me
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but they were too late her hands and
feet had already been replaced
surprisingly she could walk
just fine on a pair of pizza feet but
her lack of opposable pizza funds meant
that she couldn't really hold anything
let alone pick them up in the first
place however her pizza hands did make
for a convenient and portable source of
nutrition
despite her numerous protests that she
consented to the surgery the head of
medical demoted me on the spot and
banned me from ever practicing medicine
claiming that you can't consent
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to being a pizza i was thrown in jail
for the rest of around
clearly there was no appreciation for
the arts on this station
so many rounds later me and my friends
found a new purpose
cleaning up the server one erotic furry
role play at a time
using telecommunications and meta
communications i
expertly pinpointed areas of high
homosexual intent
namely the dorm rooms and the showers as
two khajiit looking cat men
meet privately with one another they
will inevitably start writing words such
as ooh
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mayak has a bad prickly surprise for you
my friend
and yes not me with your thick
tajiran trunk this is completely
unacceptable once an act of high
homosexual intent is in motion
several of our men would mobilize as
they groan moan and spit out hairballs
on each other a security officer would
barge in
flashbang the feline fornicators and tag
team baton them
into submission before another officer
handcuffs them to the bed
on the other side of a contaminated dorm
room our team's atmospheric technician
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sets explosive c4 charges against the
station glass
quickly we evacuate the biohazard
exclusion zone and seal the air locks
homeo and juliet barely have enough time
to recover from the flashbang before the
charges detonate
depressurizing the room and sucking
their bodies out into the black
vacuum of space another job well done
many
explosive decompressions later erotic
roleplay was considered a real
occupational hazard the tajiran cat boys
got creative
started doing group sessions instead but
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these were quickly crushed by my friend
playing the best roboticist i've ever
seen in my life the airlock doors to
their sodomy chamber were welded shut to
prevent
interruptions so he drilled right
through them with a gigantic combat mech
the air inside was heavy
with a sickly sweet smell of wet
furballs and toxoplasmosis the furries
didn't even have time to react before he
started unloading
shell after shell of flashbang grenades
and thus
we all got banned we paid the price but
07:52
to see half a server get flashbanged
unconscious for 10 minutes straight
priceless the server didn't last long
anyway the
admins mom shut it down as soon as she
saw the electricity bill so me and my
friends went on to enrich other servers
i
even got good at being a chemist in
other words i always stole the syringe
gun at the start of a round and filled
it with
lethal doses of chloral hydrate for my
own protection of course i also gave
whatever chemical anyone requested which
gives me some
moral ambiguity and two degrees of
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separation from any pranks or murders
that
took place as a result of said chemicals
if a clown asks for space lube he's
gonna get
space lube one time a clown managed to
lube the
entire hallway outside of medical all
the way to departures now departures is
usually the place where the escape
shuttle docks to get us out of our
quickly burning heap of a station
however
if there's no call for a shuttle
departures is completely empty besides
the airlock which the clown had hacked
open
several people came running through
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medical slipped on the space loop and
accelerated themselves
face first into the infinite vacuum of
space security figured out it was the
clown and in true security fashion
also slipped on the space loop with most
of a crew floating around dead in space
the station had to be evacuated he was
later banned from playing clown
ever again several rounds later i
finally spawned as a traitor
mission specifications decrypted welcome
to the syndicate and i had no idea what
i was doing but i wanted my first time
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to be special
conveniently an assistant comes in
bleeding all over
because he was probably trying to break
into the armory without insulated gloves
his character sprite had
maximum melanin and an afro his
role-play-friendly name was
madik an idiot but a useful idiot there
were
no medical staff on hand except me so i
said hey i know a little bit of surgery
let me fix you up
i put him under general anaesthetic and
took out my syndicate pda
with this i can discreetly teleport a
09:56
few
traitor items into my inventory to help
me achieve
my objective which in this case was
murdering the head of security
i ordered two sets of voice-activated
explosives which
trigger upon hearing the recorded code
phrase i set this to the word
most likely to be spoken by this
mentally [ __ ] human being can you
guess
what that is i surgically opened his ass
and inserted the first of the explosives
then i
lodged the second one neatly inside his
chest cavity
closing them up i took off the
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anaesthetic and began to put my plan in
action i would arm this simple-minded
[ __ ] with
illegal weaponry with a hopes that
security would detain him on possession
charges i gave him all the lsd
all the chloral hydrate syringes and an
entire spray bottle of space lube
i had expertly equipped him to be the
ultimate griefing machine proud of my
work i gave him a hug
and set him loose on the world but just
before he left medical he turned around
and said thanks [ __ ]
and we both exploded my other times
11:00
playing antagonist
went about just as well once i started
as the leader of a cult
our objective was to seize control of
the station and sacrifice our mortal
bodies to summon a physical
manifestation of our dark god however i
wasn't very good at it and neither were
my servants we found a nice
quiet and most importantly abandoned bar
near the north end of a station which we
began
redecorating with our own blood you see
cultists need to learn a set of ancient
words
that's randomly generated every round if
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you arrange them in the right order you
can perform different spells and rituals
to advance your goals
we didn't get far because the most
dangerous thing to an
incompetent cult is a single crew member
doing their job
the [ __ ] janitor found us we try to
negotiate convince him that it's
actually crayon
and not blood all over the floor but
that didn't work so we tried to murder
him instead
that didn't work either he used his mop
to slip us with soapy water
and ran off to call security as you can
see i'm not very proficient at being a
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traitor more often i find myself being
abused by traitors some of the worst
offenders in this regard are definitely
wizards since wizards have a bad
tendency to
sexually abuse me as well not too long
ago me and my friends played around that
was already in progress
as soon as we entered we realized
something was very wrong
an announcement played on the radio
penis inspection day
is in effect all crew members must
report to doc
johnson for their mandatory penis
inspection doc johnson was
very clearly a wizard i knew what was
12:34
coming and yet i resigned myself to fate
and went to medical reception doc
johnson was overjoyed to have new
patients he led me to a private room
asked me if i'm circumcised and told me
that i passed the inspection with flying
colors what a surprise i thought he's
not actually gonna grieve me but
i was wrong as i turned away to leave he
blew off my ass
magically hey it's wizardry i ain't
gotta explain [ __ ]
anyway doc johnson is a terrible doctor
he left me bleeding on the floor as he
took my ass cheeks and
used them as a hat highly unprofessional
13:06
would not recommend a round of space
station 13 can be very intense
at other times it can be very slow paced
and almost relaxing
if you're not a traitor and you don't
have anything urgent to handle you can
always just
role play and get comfy in a bar while
the piano plays anime songs and the
jukebox plays whatever deep-fried asmr
[ __ ] people keep putting on it's a
very wholesome experience and it helps
you get
emotionally invested with the other
members of your crew which are often
nice people
however security is often staffed by
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egotistical megalomaniacs acting out
their most depraved power fantasies they
are
often not nice people as a result of
their inherent propensity to be insane
sociopaths the rest of a crew will often
rebel against their tyranny in one such
case cargo had declared independence
security refused to recognize the
independent station state of cargonia so
they try to barge their way in and
arrest
everyone involved including me but
security was
unprepared for the trap we had in store
one officer rushed into cargo bay and
14:09
slipped on a banana peel straight into
the conveyor belt waiting for him he
tried repeatedly to get back up only to
be tripped again by an ocean of banana
peels on the conveyor belt which looped
around in a circle surrounding that
circle was another circle composed
entirely
of vending machines the officer was also
being brutally assaulted by
several hundred cans of soda the vending
machines were hacked and as a result
they would continuously fire drinks at
whoever is in the area
each officer that slipped into the
banana belt got smashed unconscious by a
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relentless stream
of discount dan soda trademark all
rights reserved
after extensive head trauma by our soda
turrets security
reluctantly accepted cargonia's
independence and
their right to bear arms if there's one
department that has more revolutions
than cargo it would have to be science
and it's easy to understand why we spend
our lives researching away for the good
of a station which
does of course carry its own share of
risks and hazards sometimes
accidents happen sooner or later some
bored and mentally challenged assistant
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will try and put a bag of holding into
another bag of holding and security
can't always comprehend
that we're not directly responsible for
the resulting black hole
eating through the kitchen this lack of
appreciation for the scientific
profession
usually ends with arrest warrants for
the whole department which is usually
answered back with the words i'd like to
see you try but when we're not having a
nuclear arms race with security r d
is actually quite a chill department i
also made a great discovery last time i
played there
me and another scientist were messing
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around with blueprints and eventually
made ourselves a pneumatic cannon
normally these are used to launch
whatever items you have inside
what we didn't know was that it could
launch food as well
i loaded a lasagna aimed for the mouth
and fired it at my fellow researcher the
lasagna disappeared
what the hell that's amazing he said we
just realized what happened i had just
managed to remotely force feed
my fellow man but what do we do with his
forbidden knowledge
nothing good that's for sure my comrade
got to work
asking chemistry for hallucinogenic
16:13
drugs they said no
so we built our own chemistry dispensers
filled up the beakers with happy juice
and ran straight to the kitchen we
injected all the donuts and hot pockets
we could find with as much lsd
and mine breaker toxin as they could
hold then we loaded them into our food
delivery system
and started firing off at everyone in
the hallways the food
was instantly delivered the crew was
instantly satisfied
several people including security
officers managed to see the two small
lines of text indicating that they've
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just been fed something they thought it
was extremely clever and said they
didn't know the pneumatic cannon could
do that since it was just a bit of
harmless fun we got off scot-free
minutes later the hallucination started
crew members started screaming on the
radio some were puking shaking or
convulsing on the ground
medical couldn't keep up with the bodies
they piled on too quick
and most of the doctors were too busy
fighting off non-existent entities to do
anything about it the chemist who
originally refused to give us lsd
was arrested by security on suspicion of
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intentional food poisoning it was
complete
pandemonium and i think it illustrates
perfectly the chaos
that is space station 13.
that's all i have for you today folks
there is of course more stories to tell
but
we'd literally be here for hours space
station 13
a marvelous unique and incredibly shitty
game 10 out of 10
don't play it because if you do they're
gonna blame it on me
17:51
and i hate having come in my mailbox as
always
more content to come so stay tuned on
other news i started a subscribe star
account
so if you'd like to invest and don't
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generously funding and bankrolling these
videos you're all truly wonderful
have a good one
in
on 2125
just a quiet black water
18:35
facility among the stars
and then one day i was minding my own
business
i was mining my own
[Music]
[Music]
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right in the face
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left and right
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i didn't sign up for this i just wanted
to get away
somewhere
just a place where i could earn myself
the days without peace time i think it's
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calm
i'm wrong
now all the rest are dead spaceless all
has prevailed
only i am left alive to tell the tale of
space
comes out of nowhere to destroy
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space assault
wanton carnage is all he can enjoy
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space
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oh
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