Space Station 13 Review | AHELP: Clown Grief Pls Ban He™

Space Station 13 Review | AHELP: Clown Grief Pls Ban He™

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Language: English

Type: Robot

Number of phrases: 600

Number of words: 3341

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00:00
hey hey people seth here today i'll be covering a very niche very infamous and very autistic game that everyone's asked me to cover since day one a game where you and many other real living people with questionable social intelligence role-play together on the worst space station in the universe where aliens shapeshifters and traitors working for rival corporations are the least of your concerns where the greatest threat to your own existence are your own crew members hungry come to the station canteen where the food is
00:31
definitely poisoned injured head on down to medical where half a medication has been relabeled as happy pills discouraged you can try taking a painkiller instead but it wasn't a painkiller it was lsd having a bad trip don't worry there's a security officer nearby to help but he can't respond because he was murdered and replaced by a genetically modified monkey wearing his uniform hallucinating keep calm and focus on what's real unfortunately for you the supermassive black hole
01:01
expanding towards you is not a hallucination it is in fact very real welcome to space station 13. space station 13 has a very simple premise everyone has a job your objective do your best to delay the station's inevitable destruction either at the hands of antagonists or at the hands of your own incompetent crew normally i give a final score for a game at the end of a video not this time space station 13 10 out of 10 amazing spectacular don't play it if i'm
01:34
being perfectly honest with you space station 13 is a fantastic game but i genuinely don't recommend you play it why because the engine it's running on is probably older than you because the interface is a convoluted mess and only usable because me and every other autistic chimpanzee who plays this game has committed the hotkeys to muscle memory because of the insane time investment and commitment required for you to learn a single role and because to be perfectly honest the servers can't handle all of you at best we could handle like 30 extra
02:06
players before you grind the servers to a halt for all these reasons space station 13 always was and always will be a niche title and maybe that's for the best but i can offer you something else i've already killed your hopes and dreams of playing the game so instead let me share some stories of my wonderful experience with space station 13. these stories span several years and several different servers the names of which will forever stay anonymous because i respect their privacy and because i've received frets from some of
02:38
the more colorful servers to not mention them by name or else what's gonna happen if i don't comply are they gonna hire a bitcoin assassin to run me over with his mobility scooter is he gonna stab me with his insulin pen i don't know but between you and me i hate having [ __ ] delivered to my mailbox and would prefer to keep it that way anyway i remember the first time playing space station very vividly my friends told me to download it and hop on some shitty server it had furries and erotic roleplay more on that later i
03:10
entered around as an assistant my job to give assistance and to get my hands burnt off trying to hack into places i don't have access to as i'm screwing around with airlock wires my friend comes running down the hallway dragging someone's unconscious body frantically he tells me seth quick can you open this door sensing the urgency in his voice i do he throws the body inside and sprints away the airlock closes three seconds later something explodes what the [ __ ] was that i ask oh yeah i fed him potassium and water pills it takes a while to
03:42
metabolize my friend had just murdered a man in cold blood by turning his body into a living ticking potassium bomb as soon as the man's digestive juices cracked through the potassium tablet it reacted violently with the water in his stomach and exploded killing him from inside out after such a horrific display of homicide i realized hey this game's pretty good fast forward a few weeks and i'm learning roles calling shots and ignoring every single rule of the server i also ignored every single rule of medicine i was a
04:13
surgeon top of my class destined to go where no licensed professional ever has also my friend's girlfriend started playing with us to put it bluntly she wasn't very good but she was very interested in progressing the medical field in any way possible cargo had just delivered us some complimentary pizza as thanks for patching up their boys after they got a little too intimate with the xenomorphs on mining station brilliance flashed before my eyes my pupils widened i started physically sweating because she said the words i've
04:44
always dreamt of hearing please turn me into a pizza and so i got to work nurse get me my scalpel tweezers protractor bone gel and the rest of the unfinished pizza one horrified clown watched in the operating theater as i cleanly hacked off and cauterized her hands and feet i opened the pizza box and began attaching her new cheesy limbs help sec to surgery the clown blurted out he's turning her into a papa john's the head of medical stormed in with a host of security officers to detain me
05:16
but they were too late her hands and feet had already been replaced surprisingly she could walk just fine on a pair of pizza feet but her lack of opposable pizza funds meant that she couldn't really hold anything let alone pick them up in the first place however her pizza hands did make for a convenient and portable source of nutrition despite her numerous protests that she consented to the surgery the head of medical demoted me on the spot and banned me from ever practicing medicine claiming that you can't consent
05:46
to being a pizza i was thrown in jail for the rest of around clearly there was no appreciation for the arts on this station so many rounds later me and my friends found a new purpose cleaning up the server one erotic furry role play at a time using telecommunications and meta communications i expertly pinpointed areas of high homosexual intent namely the dorm rooms and the showers as two khajiit looking cat men meet privately with one another they will inevitably start writing words such as ooh
06:18
mayak has a bad prickly surprise for you my friend and yes not me with your thick tajiran trunk this is completely unacceptable once an act of high homosexual intent is in motion several of our men would mobilize as they groan moan and spit out hairballs on each other a security officer would barge in flashbang the feline fornicators and tag team baton them into submission before another officer handcuffs them to the bed on the other side of a contaminated dorm room our team's atmospheric technician
06:49
sets explosive c4 charges against the station glass quickly we evacuate the biohazard exclusion zone and seal the air locks homeo and juliet barely have enough time to recover from the flashbang before the charges detonate depressurizing the room and sucking their bodies out into the black vacuum of space another job well done many explosive decompressions later erotic roleplay was considered a real occupational hazard the tajiran cat boys got creative started doing group sessions instead but
07:21
these were quickly crushed by my friend playing the best roboticist i've ever seen in my life the airlock doors to their sodomy chamber were welded shut to prevent interruptions so he drilled right through them with a gigantic combat mech the air inside was heavy with a sickly sweet smell of wet furballs and toxoplasmosis the furries didn't even have time to react before he started unloading shell after shell of flashbang grenades and thus we all got banned we paid the price but
07:52
to see half a server get flashbanged unconscious for 10 minutes straight priceless the server didn't last long anyway the admins mom shut it down as soon as she saw the electricity bill so me and my friends went on to enrich other servers i even got good at being a chemist in other words i always stole the syringe gun at the start of a round and filled it with lethal doses of chloral hydrate for my own protection of course i also gave whatever chemical anyone requested which gives me some moral ambiguity and two degrees of
08:23
separation from any pranks or murders that took place as a result of said chemicals if a clown asks for space lube he's gonna get space lube one time a clown managed to lube the entire hallway outside of medical all the way to departures now departures is usually the place where the escape shuttle docks to get us out of our quickly burning heap of a station however if there's no call for a shuttle departures is completely empty besides the airlock which the clown had hacked open several people came running through
08:53
medical slipped on the space loop and accelerated themselves face first into the infinite vacuum of space security figured out it was the clown and in true security fashion also slipped on the space loop with most of a crew floating around dead in space the station had to be evacuated he was later banned from playing clown ever again several rounds later i finally spawned as a traitor mission specifications decrypted welcome to the syndicate and i had no idea what i was doing but i wanted my first time
09:25
to be special conveniently an assistant comes in bleeding all over because he was probably trying to break into the armory without insulated gloves his character sprite had maximum melanin and an afro his role-play-friendly name was madik an idiot but a useful idiot there were no medical staff on hand except me so i said hey i know a little bit of surgery let me fix you up i put him under general anaesthetic and took out my syndicate pda with this i can discreetly teleport a
09:56
few traitor items into my inventory to help me achieve my objective which in this case was murdering the head of security i ordered two sets of voice-activated explosives which trigger upon hearing the recorded code phrase i set this to the word most likely to be spoken by this mentally [ __ ] human being can you guess what that is i surgically opened his ass and inserted the first of the explosives then i lodged the second one neatly inside his chest cavity closing them up i took off the
10:26
anaesthetic and began to put my plan in action i would arm this simple-minded [ __ ] with illegal weaponry with a hopes that security would detain him on possession charges i gave him all the lsd all the chloral hydrate syringes and an entire spray bottle of space lube i had expertly equipped him to be the ultimate griefing machine proud of my work i gave him a hug and set him loose on the world but just before he left medical he turned around and said thanks [ __ ] and we both exploded my other times
11:00
playing antagonist went about just as well once i started as the leader of a cult our objective was to seize control of the station and sacrifice our mortal bodies to summon a physical manifestation of our dark god however i wasn't very good at it and neither were my servants we found a nice quiet and most importantly abandoned bar near the north end of a station which we began redecorating with our own blood you see cultists need to learn a set of ancient words that's randomly generated every round if
11:30
you arrange them in the right order you can perform different spells and rituals to advance your goals we didn't get far because the most dangerous thing to an incompetent cult is a single crew member doing their job the [ __ ] janitor found us we try to negotiate convince him that it's actually crayon and not blood all over the floor but that didn't work so we tried to murder him instead that didn't work either he used his mop to slip us with soapy water and ran off to call security as you can see i'm not very proficient at being a
12:02
traitor more often i find myself being abused by traitors some of the worst offenders in this regard are definitely wizards since wizards have a bad tendency to sexually abuse me as well not too long ago me and my friends played around that was already in progress as soon as we entered we realized something was very wrong an announcement played on the radio penis inspection day is in effect all crew members must report to doc johnson for their mandatory penis inspection doc johnson was very clearly a wizard i knew what was
12:34
coming and yet i resigned myself to fate and went to medical reception doc johnson was overjoyed to have new patients he led me to a private room asked me if i'm circumcised and told me that i passed the inspection with flying colors what a surprise i thought he's not actually gonna grieve me but i was wrong as i turned away to leave he blew off my ass magically hey it's wizardry i ain't gotta explain [ __ ] anyway doc johnson is a terrible doctor he left me bleeding on the floor as he took my ass cheeks and used them as a hat highly unprofessional
13:06
would not recommend a round of space station 13 can be very intense at other times it can be very slow paced and almost relaxing if you're not a traitor and you don't have anything urgent to handle you can always just role play and get comfy in a bar while the piano plays anime songs and the jukebox plays whatever deep-fried asmr [ __ ] people keep putting on it's a very wholesome experience and it helps you get emotionally invested with the other members of your crew which are often nice people however security is often staffed by
13:37
egotistical megalomaniacs acting out their most depraved power fantasies they are often not nice people as a result of their inherent propensity to be insane sociopaths the rest of a crew will often rebel against their tyranny in one such case cargo had declared independence security refused to recognize the independent station state of cargonia so they try to barge their way in and arrest everyone involved including me but security was unprepared for the trap we had in store one officer rushed into cargo bay and
14:09
slipped on a banana peel straight into the conveyor belt waiting for him he tried repeatedly to get back up only to be tripped again by an ocean of banana peels on the conveyor belt which looped around in a circle surrounding that circle was another circle composed entirely of vending machines the officer was also being brutally assaulted by several hundred cans of soda the vending machines were hacked and as a result they would continuously fire drinks at whoever is in the area each officer that slipped into the banana belt got smashed unconscious by a
14:39
relentless stream of discount dan soda trademark all rights reserved after extensive head trauma by our soda turrets security reluctantly accepted cargonia's independence and their right to bear arms if there's one department that has more revolutions than cargo it would have to be science and it's easy to understand why we spend our lives researching away for the good of a station which does of course carry its own share of risks and hazards sometimes accidents happen sooner or later some bored and mentally challenged assistant
15:11
will try and put a bag of holding into another bag of holding and security can't always comprehend that we're not directly responsible for the resulting black hole eating through the kitchen this lack of appreciation for the scientific profession usually ends with arrest warrants for the whole department which is usually answered back with the words i'd like to see you try but when we're not having a nuclear arms race with security r d is actually quite a chill department i also made a great discovery last time i played there me and another scientist were messing
15:42
around with blueprints and eventually made ourselves a pneumatic cannon normally these are used to launch whatever items you have inside what we didn't know was that it could launch food as well i loaded a lasagna aimed for the mouth and fired it at my fellow researcher the lasagna disappeared what the hell that's amazing he said we just realized what happened i had just managed to remotely force feed my fellow man but what do we do with his forbidden knowledge nothing good that's for sure my comrade got to work asking chemistry for hallucinogenic
16:13
drugs they said no so we built our own chemistry dispensers filled up the beakers with happy juice and ran straight to the kitchen we injected all the donuts and hot pockets we could find with as much lsd and mine breaker toxin as they could hold then we loaded them into our food delivery system and started firing off at everyone in the hallways the food was instantly delivered the crew was instantly satisfied several people including security officers managed to see the two small lines of text indicating that they've
16:44
just been fed something they thought it was extremely clever and said they didn't know the pneumatic cannon could do that since it was just a bit of harmless fun we got off scot-free minutes later the hallucination started crew members started screaming on the radio some were puking shaking or convulsing on the ground medical couldn't keep up with the bodies they piled on too quick and most of the doctors were too busy fighting off non-existent entities to do anything about it the chemist who originally refused to give us lsd was arrested by security on suspicion of
17:15
intentional food poisoning it was complete pandemonium and i think it illustrates perfectly the chaos that is space station 13. that's all i have for you today folks there is of course more stories to tell but we'd literally be here for hours space station 13 a marvelous unique and incredibly shitty game 10 out of 10 don't play it because if you do they're gonna blame it on me
17:51
and i hate having come in my mailbox as always more content to come so stay tuned on other news i started a subscribe star account so if you'd like to invest and don't want to give your money to patreon now you can a warm thanks to the many members of a merchant's guild generously funding and bankrolling these videos you're all truly wonderful have a good one in on 2125 just a quiet black water
18:35
facility among the stars and then one day i was minding my own business i was mining my own [Music] [Music] [Music] right in the face [Music] left and right
19:41
[Music] i didn't sign up for this i just wanted to get away somewhere just a place where i could earn myself the days without peace time i think it's
20:21
calm i'm wrong now all the rest are dead spaceless all has prevailed only i am left alive to tell the tale of space comes out of nowhere to destroy [Music]
21:06
space assault wanton carnage is all he can enjoy [Music] space [Music] [Music] oh

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