My Toxic Relationships and How I Got Out

My Toxic Relationships and How I Got Out

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hey there have you ever wondered about my own toxic relationships and how i got out of them i'm gonna be telling my story coming up in this video i'm rebecca zong and i've been recognized as a top attorney and i've written a couple of best-selling books negotiate like you matter and breaking free and i also teach people how to negotiate with narcissists that's what i do
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and it's such a weird thing to say right but that is what i do and if you want to know more about that make sure you subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell and that way you'll get notified when i upload new videos but let's talk today this is you and i this is you this is like us having coffee like we met at starbucks and i'm just going to tell you my story there's really no agenda here other than just to make sure that you guys understand why i have such a passion for this why i
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have i feel so such a crusade about helping people and saving people from toxic relationships both in your personal life and in your business life because i've been there i've done it i had to get out i had a couple of really really toxic relationships fairly recently that caused me to feel like i really wanted to have this be my mission and you know i practiced law for a long time
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i could continue to be doing that i still have a law practice but i don't really work in it every single day the way i i used to because i don't necessarily have to because this is what i'm doing now all day long is this and you know i used to feel like it was such a grind with practicing law and now i i feel so empowered every single day because i get hundreds and hundreds of emails and dms and texts and everything from all you guys all day long telling me how i've saved your life
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and that really really empowers me and and spurs me on to want to continue to help you uh it ignites my passion to want to continue because i know that i'm doing the right thing i know that i'm doing what my soul was meant to do but the reason why i feel such so deeply about this is because i've been there i've been where you are so and my story is really one of sort of ironies and complexities as all
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life stories are right um in some ways i was sort of i took a lot of side paths and i've just kind of skidded pretty far off the road in a lot of different ways so i'm half chinese my dad was a doctor he was chinese my mom's german my mom was an operating room nurse and that's how my parents met initially and then my mom went on to do a lot of things in business actually after that but you know i grew up uh in the 70s during the time
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70s and 80s during a time when it wasn't really all that popular to have to be biracial to you know so i always felt sort of different and i i really never felt like i had a voice i never really felt like i completely fit in anywhere uh and i you know was bullied a lot when i was in um elementary school i was bullied for being chinese my middle name is yukong people would say what's your middle name is it king kong
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you know they would definitely be super mean and i never felt like i really fit in and i didn't really stand up for myself that much when i was you know there i would just kind of take it because i didn't really feel like i had a voice and i wasn't really sure how to stand up for myself by the time i got to high school i went to a boarding school for high school very small all girls private catholic boarding school for high school i started to find my way a little bit
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more i started to you know date boys and i started to do well in school and it was really you know even though it probably wouldn't have been for everybody and at the time it didn't feel like that was a great place for me but it was a really great place for me because i started to feel like well maybe i have some brains maybe i can be smart maybe um i i can do something with my life and i actually graduated as the
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salutatorian of my high school but you know that impostor syndic syndrome starts to take over and i just didn't feel worthy and i was banging around in college and i wasn't really sure what i wanted to do so i ended up dropping out of college when i was 19 years old and i got married i had three children by the time i was 23 which you know is pretty crazy given you know the type of upbringing i had and i love my children and they're grown now and and we all grew up
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together so you know i i did that but it was really a lot because i was sort of avoiding being with people my own age and i never felt completely comfortable with that so and you know i didn't have any money i married this guy who really he was a great guy but not you know highly educated not particularly a great or earner and so i right away i almost realized oh my gosh my parents were right i had to get myself back through school
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i went back to college and um you know finished college i became a teacher i was teaching in inner city schools and then got divorced and went back to law school i met my current husband in law school and we have an 18 year old daughter together and through this whole thing you know i've just always felt like i've i'm different you know even in law school i was a little bit older and i already had kids and you know so i've always felt a
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little bit different so i wasn't really finding who i was until i started practicing law and i started to put one foot in front of the other and and start to feel like i had value i had worth and then i had my own law practice for a while for a long time when i started my own law practice a couple years into it i wrote my first book the breaking free book it did well and it really started to
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feel like i was coming into my own i developed really really wonderful friendships with women when i which i still have and a really fantastic network of people who fan my flames which is so important so so important um and if you're dealing with a narcissist right now and you're having trouble coping i do highly recommend that you go check out my video on self-care to cope with narcissists that will definitely help you
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if you're identifying with my story so far i want i want to you know you to give me i've been there in the comments as well i'd love to see your comments so you know as i grew up and as i grew into myself i'm feeling pretty good so far and people think that i'm so tough i definitely know my stuff as a lawyer i had to develop somewhat of a tough skin in order to succeed as an attorney and and achieve the accolades that i've achieved but
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when i was targeted by two covert narcissists it really threw me for a loop i was feeling bullied again it was like coming back to me like all of those memories of being bullied um and one was in a business setting and the other one is an extended member of our family and both of them were doing the same kinds of things you know they're both covert narcissists both of them were women and uh you know i noticed
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that they would like stare at me a lot they would look at me they would study me you know i they wanted to kind of be me it's a really weird thing with covert narcissists how they kind of idolize you in some ways but they also want to devalue you like i think that by devaluing somebody that they feel like is so valuable it makes them feel more powerful it makes them feel more in control
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if you want to know more about covert narcissists definitely check out my video covert passive aggressive narcissist or covert narcissism and relationships i talk more about it there as well but i noticed that they were kind of like studying me uh and then they would do things that would devalue you or or say things that were devaluing that were sort of like out of left field and you think where did that come from or that's really weird and it's like
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these little passive aggressive things it's like a death by a thousand cuts and so because i in my personal life was you know very much an empath very much trying to get along trying to be liked and you know allowing things to happen to me and what happens with narcissists is that they start to they're testing you and the more you kind of let it go by you
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the more they feel that empowered that they can do more against you in that way and and they can sense when you're you're feeling that and they can sense when they're getting that control over you and you know i know a lot of times you know i would talk about it with my husband and he and i would be like oh just don't say anything by saying something you're giving them power by saying something you're allowing you're showing them that it's getting to you so a lot of times i wouldn't say
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anything because i was trying to do that and i really wanted to keep things cordial and i do have to say there is such a fine line between keeping things cordial and being a doormat and not let you know you don't want to let somebody get the best of you but you also don't want to be a doormat i saw a quote once that i loved and it said if you don't like being a doormat then get up off the floor and that's basically what i decided to do it kind of hit me all of a sudden i was
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standing in hawaii in the summer of 2019 and i was up on this mountain in haleakala in maui which if you haven't done it you should definitely do it you go up there at sunrise wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning and even though it's like 90 degrees down below it's like 30 up there and you have to wear blankets and coats and everything and you get up there and it's like vision it's like heaven up there you can't even believe how beautiful it is and i'm standing up there and i realized um
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i was thinking about one of the covert narcissists because they get into your brain you know that's what happens you just like you can't stop thinking about it they they get into your neuronal patterns and so you got to start to figure out a way to interrupt that pattern and get them out of there so there i am i'm up there on this mountain it's beautiful it's heaven on earth and i'm thinking about one of the covert narcissists and what they're doing and i'm like oh my god this is so not okay how is this person penetrating me when i'm here in this beautiful place i'm on
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vacation and i'm in this spot that's the heaven on earth and this person is penetrating me and they're not even here and that's when i was like it's not okay this is so not okay i definitely need to make a change and in that moment i realized that if i'm thinking about what these covert narcissists or narcissists are doing to me or what they might do next or what might happen or what's who they're talking to or or all
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of the what ifs then i'm not in creation mode i'm not in victor mode i'm in victim mode right not you can either be a victim or you can be a victor but you definitely can't be in both places at once and if i'm thinking about this then i'm not doing anything that is empowering me i'm not doing anything that's helping others or myself and i made a decision at that moment to start to pivot to start to not think
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about that person or what they might do or the other person you know the two covert narcissists it was at that moment that i decided i'm pivoting that's it it's done and after that i wrote the book negotiate like you matter became an amazon number one bestseller robert shapiro offered to write the forward for it all these great things started to happen and from there that's when i decided to start my youtube channel and you know i've
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i've gained 120 000 subscribers in just over a year so thank all of you for that and for being on this journey with me and and learning this stuff and and so what i really really learned was that you know yeah i can take what i've learned about narcissism and apply it to negotiating and teach you guys how to do that the really really powerful lesson though is that you have the power
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to decide right now what your life is going to look like how is it going to be who or who gets to be a part of it there should be a high price for being in your space your energy is a product of the five people who are closest to you so take a look around and see who the five people are that are closest to you and if they're not you know helping fan your flames you know throwing logs on your fire chopping the
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firewood and helping it grow if they're over there throwing water on it and trying to throw your fire out and and you know do bad things to you they don't get to be in your space and that's it whether it's a family member or a friend or a business associate whoever it is life is way too short people who are in your space get to be there because you chose for them to be there and the things that you were doing in
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your life you get to choose there is such a redemptive power in making a choice by just deciding and i love the fact that the word decide actually has side as part of it which means to kill or to cut off because that's basically what you're doing when you decide to shift in your life when you decide that things are going to go differently then your life will be amazing you will not believe how quickly the universe will
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start lining up to make it and conspire to make it all happen for you the universe truly does have your back you truly can make a decision to make it different i did it i got out i went no contact and i don't talk to these people anymore and you can definitely do the same thing too so if you are negotiating with a narcissist and you're dealing with a nurse assistant anyway make sure to grab my free crush my negotiation prep worksheet you can get that at win my negotiation
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dot com come join me in my free private facebook group it's a support group it's called narcissist negotiators with rebecca zhang i'd love to have you in there as well and if you like this video give it a like give it a share drop me a comment tell me like that's me like that you could see yourself in my story and i'd love to hear your story as well so drop me a comment if you haven't subscribed to my channel go ahead and do that subscribe and hit that notification bell
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i'm rebecca zong i'm so glad that you were here and that you stopped by and you took the time to listen to my story i absolutely love all of you guys i am sending you light every single day and i'm here for you not only does the universe have your back but i do too so thanks so much and i will see all of you in the next video

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