Scapegoats When You STOP Reacting to Narcissistic Parents/Family THIS Happens

Scapegoats When You STOP Reacting to Narcissistic Parents/Family THIS Happens

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00:03
today i want to talk about what happens when you stop reacting to narcissistic parents or narcissistic family members okay when you stop reacting in other words if you look back on your life and your relationship with this person there's probably a good chance that you've been in a cycle where maybe things are good for a little bit but suddenly things get rough and that person does things to seemingly intentionally hurt you or provoke you
00:34
right that's what it seems like and you may have been in a cycle of actually feeling that the the emotions that they're trying to provoke maybe they're trying to get you angry and you wind up getting upset raising your voice they may want to hurt your feelings you may wind up you know in tears they may want to make you feel unworthy and you wind up feeling nothing but shame and feeling super unworthy right their actions are provoking
01:06
emotions inside of you and that may have been a cycle for a long time thankfully thankfully there's so much information information i wish existed when i was a teenager but there's so much information out there that is starting to shed light on these behaviors in the past children of narcissists if they didn't understand the dynamics which how could they have right if there wasn't the information available at the time at the time they blamed themselves
01:37
and they were stuck trying harder and harder and harder to try to please a parent that just was absolutely unpleasable now now they're learning faster that they do their part but it's the responsibility of the other person to also do their part in other words if a parent accuses you of something that's false and you say you know no i'm sorry but
02:08
that's not how it happened actually this is what happened and that parent refuses to believe you refuses to validate your truth refuses to accept um evidence right because that's what they'll do they'll flat out reject even evidence just to invalidate you what people are learning is that that has nothing to do with them it doesn't that is not your fault that your parent refuses to see truth it is not your fault that your parent is
02:40
constantly pointing out the negative in you and it's not your fault that your parent is making you feel shame or bad for things that are normal for just being authentic for just being you okay people are learning that that's the parent that's the parents problem and as a result they're not reacting okay so a lot of the mindsets that
03:10
they're learning are the observe don't absorb and the observe don't absorb is a mindset because it's a way of looking at things before you understood narcissistic abuse it was probably the mindset was i need you to believe me for me to hold on to my truth because that's the mindset that narcissists teach but knowledge is power right and you've learned that you know it would be nice it would be nice if your parent believed your truth
03:42
but you don't need them to believe you in order for you to believe you and so because you have that mindset you're able to observe and not absorb you're able to observe when your parent is critical when your parent is insulting when your parent is just viciously mean right and that changes the dynamics okay narcissistic parents this is the hard part when you don't really understand
04:13
narcissistic abuse i think when when you try to tell people about your family dynamics and you explain what i'm about to explain anyone that doesn't know about narcissistic abuse might look at you and be like i don't know what's going on something wrong here right they might think there's something wrong with your way of looking at things they might even think you're paranoid but when you understand narcissistic abuse you know you guys know that the things that they do are absolutely
04:43
horrible and intentional i was recently speaking with a client who told me that she was being forced to go to therapy with her parents this is an adult in her 30s she's temporarily living at home right because of kovid and the parents she was getting stronger through coaching she was just absolutely coming into herself and it was just absolutely beautiful to see well her parents could see it too and this is the part that i really want to stress with this video what happens when
05:14
you start changing when you stop reacting when you pull yourself out of that attack react cycle that the narcissist has forever right when you s they attack they're going to still be themselves but you no longer react instead of things getting better they get worse and this is what exposes the fact that when a narcissist is being mean like that when they are being abusive that it is
05:45
really intentional to hurt you and when they don't get that reaction it brings out even worse qualities in them they bring all guns right all guns come out when when you're not reacting because they're like what's going on they need you to react so that they can regulate themselves and i've been talking a lot about this in my videos when you're calm they don't feel calm and so they do things they do things to provoke you the second you're provoked
06:17
it's like they've been burped right like a baby that's been burped had gas was uncomfortable now feels great that's what it's like with the narcissistic parent so when you stop reacting things get worse and back to that client so she's being forced to go to therapy and thankfully she was able to because of what she's been learning on how to just be in her own skin and how to hold her own truth she was able to act in a way in therapy
06:48
that was just in harmony with herself instead of being provoked instead of reacting and it caused the parents to become even worse to the point where she got home was in the shower and they just turned off the water just because you can't take a shower because basically the their thought process is how dare you be so happy and together you know this is there's something off because they're feeling their own horrible negativity
07:19
and what do they do they do something even worse to try to hurt their child now again anyone that hasn't been through narcissistic abuse but have a hard time understanding that parents can be like that anyone that has been you guys are probably like michelle i got 10 stories just like that and or worse okay i get it so my point is what i really wanted to make well the point that i really wanted to make with this video is as you're getting stronger and as
07:51
you're getting healthier we tend to think we tend to go get help i get a lot of clients that tell me michelle i really want to be close with my parents i really want a healthy relationship with them and you know my goal is never to either make or break a relationship that's not my goal my goal is to help you reach whatever goals you want so as they're working through it and as they're getting stronger they start to realize that while we tend to expect
08:21
healthy relationships to be the result of healthy behavior right if you had unhealthy behaviors and now you're you're becoming healthier you would expect that it reflects in your relationships that doesn't happen with a narcissistic parent the healthier you get the worse the parent will be because it alters and messes with their view of themselves especially if you're the scapegoat because in their mind you have to be the
08:52
one with the problem for them to feel that they're good when you're not with the problem they see themselves as the problem that's why the belief there's something wrong with me gets so ingrained in scapegoated children because the narcissist knows on a subconscious level that there's something wrong with them but they project that into the child that's a scapegoat and the more that child lives in harmony with that belief the more the parent feels okay the healthier the child gets and realizes oh my god there's nothing wrong
09:22
with me like i'm a normal person the worse the narcissist will get so my my advice is to continue strengthening yourself but not with the thought that the relationship will or will not get better okay strengthen yourself get healthier because it's the right thing to do for you and then the good thing about you getting healthier is that as you're healthier you will be in a better place to make decisions
09:53
and sometimes the decisions we have to make are hard limiting contact with a family member is hard when your values include having you know a lot of family or having a loving relationship with your family those are hard decisions and you really can only make them when you are in the best head space that you can be and you can be in that best head space by continuing to strengthen yourself by continuing to break that that pattern of reacting
10:24
knowing that things will get worse okay worse for the relationship but better for you and i say that because as you stop reacting you will feel more grounded and connected to yourself

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