"10 RED FLAGS in NEW DATING RELATIONSHIPS YOU SHOULD NEVER IGNORE/Lisa Romano"

"10 RED FLAGS in NEW DATING RELATIONSHIPS YOU SHOULD NEVER IGNORE/Lisa Romano"

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today we're going to be talking about 10 red flags in a relationship you should be watching out for [Music] so we all love this idea of being in a relationship with someone we love the idea of being in love and let's face it we're built for that type of companionship we are social creatures and we work better even science tells us that we do better in the long run with our regards to our health
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if we are in healthy relationships with other people but why do so many of us struggle to find healthy relationships why does it seem so difficult to get along with other people well or why can it feel so difficult to get along with other people and why do we often find ourselves in relationships that end up feeling like we're being suffocated or we end up feeling like we can't trust the other person or we end up having these conflicts with this other person
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and we oftentimes don't know where it's coming from and yet we all want peace we all want to feel seen we all want to feel like we matter and i don't think it's enough to love someone we have to feel loved in return and so it is this exchange of energy so i need to love and i also need to feel loved i need to feel like i can be compassion with someone compassionate with someone and i need to feel that compassion coming back and if you're in a co-dependent
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relationship for instance you're in a one-way relationship you are in a relationship with someone that you feel that you may need to rescue you are in a relationship with someone that you need to fix you're in a relationship where you feel invisible it may have come from childhood where you you were taught that your feelings don't matter and so as an adult you don't know how to stand your ground you don't know how to hold on to yourself you don't know how to be okay in conflict
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you might run away from conflict conflict might terrify you you might feel like it's your job to keep the peace in the house you might feel hyper vigilant which which is a huge problem with people who struggle with codependency if you struggle with codependency then you may be hyper vigilant you are looking outside in your environment for ways in which you can fix a situation between two family members or maybe you have a friend who's struggling and
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you feel like it's your job to jump in and fix the issue you may be someone who feels very comfortable in taking care of other people but you don't feel comfortable feeling taken care of you are susceptible to burnout you are susceptible to feeling angry and anxious and depressed and frustrated and secretly very resentful because you don't know how to set a boundary you don't know how to stick up for yourself you don't know how to say hey that hurts
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you might have been trained to deny your feelings and it could be a subconscious programming or subconscious programming that is keeping you stuck and although that is not your fault at the end of the day only you can change the beliefs that are running the ship so there are lots of reasons why on our side of the table we could be struggling inside relationships if you are in a relationship with someone who is living below the veil of consciousness as i like to say somebody who projects
03:36
their trauma out onto the 3d world somebody who blames you for why they feel what they feel we all struggle with trying to figure out how to make sense out of our emotions we all struggle with that and i feel like it's each of our soul's personal journey to learn how to manage our emotions because when we feel something our body and our brain goes to work to justify what we feel
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so if i'm angry or annoyed at my best friend then my brain comes up with all sorts of rationalization to justify how i feel it the way i feel might be the result of being triggered by something that's happening in the now but without that level of awareness my brain says nope it's john's fault that i feel this way it's john's fault he ticked me off he said this or why didn't he say that or why didn't he invite me to that movie you think he'd invite me the problem is
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that i struggle with abandonment and when i walk through life with that trauma lens on or i put these glasses on and the glasses are keeping me below the veil of consciousness and these are the glasses or the lens that i perceive life through that are actually the lens of my childhood or the lenses of my inner child then i might see abandonment everywhere and so even if john was had no intentions of abandoning me and he just decided to go to a baseball
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game with some guys after work and just didn't invite me i might see that as abandonment i can actually take that as a threat so when you're dealing with people who have high narcissistic traits for instance people who struggle with a sense of shame a severe sense of abandonment people who will will do just about anything to avoid feeling embarrassed feeling mortified then you're dealing with someone who is going to create trauma and drama
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just about any chance they can and at any turn and if you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits you're tired you're you're aggravated you're exhausted you might feel like you need to fawn around them your stress response might be to flee to run away or to freeze or to fawn when you are up against someone who is highly aggressive and it's a high conflict personality and you are in double bind situations
06:12
where there is absolutely no chance of you making this person happy in the long run because they see you as someone as a source of narcissistic supply and so if they're up you're up but if they're down it's your fault that they're down and when we're dealing with a narcissistic relationship in the beginning everything's awesome you are idealized but over time what ends up happening is the narcissist ends up seeing lack in you so they begin to
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devalue you and they try to make you feel less than so they split they do this black and white thinking thing and that's why you can be so perplexed like how can this person act like they love me on monday and by tuesday at five o'clock over sushi you know i'm being accused of hurting this person on purpose i'm being accused of cheating i'm not cheating i'm being accused of abandoning them i'm not abandoning them i'm being accused of flirting with the flirting with the guy in the corner i'm not
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and you end up being treated like your dirt and you end up sometimes begging for their approval and begging for them to take you back and begging for them to help you understand why do they see what they see in you so there are many reasons why relationships can fall apart sometimes it's because we're codependent and we don't know it and we're living below the veil and we are actually attracting one-way situations where we end up feeling very resentful in the end and alone
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sad depressed and anxious or we are we have found ourselves in a relationship with a high conflict personality who is really impossible to please and unless that person is willing to go within unless that person is willing to do deal with their stuff there's really not much that you can do to help someone who has this perception of them as a victim you know in order to ascend out of the 3d matrix i call it the ectoplasm of reality it's it's thick when we are living only the
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3d experience what i mean by that is when we are living purely through ego we are it's like we're trying to walk through jello we feel heavy everything is a burden right everything's a threat and we're not doing the relationship thing well if you're codependent you're not setting boundaries you're not being honest you don't know how to tell your truth your brain is wired actually against you your brain is wired too fond two people please to shut down to
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not tell your truth your brain is actually wired that way and so that's not your fault so if you're a co-dependent and you're in a relationship then you might discover that your relationships are difficult because of these issues if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who love bombed you someone who idealized you someone who is highly charismatic who was sexy and who made you feel like you were the cat's meow right when you first met them you might be completely turned on you
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know all cylinders are firing and you might find yourself months later or years later maybe even decades later thinking what happened here you have no idea how you got where you got because over time someone with high narcissistic traits is belittling you they're wearing you down they're insulting you why do you put your shoes there why'd you put the coffee over there i know you did that on purpose and you're thinking oh my gosh did i do that on purpose so you begin to distrust your own
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internal reality you become so hyper fixed hyper focused and hyper fixated on what's happening outside of you that the agenda is becomes your goal becomes to make sure that this person is is happy and quiet and stable and to do that you need to minimize yourself which is a loss of self and so there are lots of reasons why we can find ourselves in difficult situations with relationships and those are just two ideas that you can be codependent and you can be dating
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a narcissist or you might even have high narcissistic traits if you're someone who has high narcissistic traits and you're willing to look within i believe that you absolutely can change but you're going to have to be able to no longer desire to live through ego which is reactionary which is nothing's my fault which is a defense mechanism and so to move through the ectoplasm of the 3d and to ascend and to actually feel your body leave all of the the
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unnecessary weight behind and for you to feel light you need to become enlightened to a certain degree your consciousness around self has to really be expanded and so if there's trauma in your background it needs to be dealt with if you continue to perpetuate this idea that you're a victim and you need to defend yourself then through that lens everyone you meet is going to be a problem you will never trust anyone and
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unfortunately this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy i've actually coached people who struggled so much with abandonment trauma that when they attracted new people into their life it was difficult for the new people to stay because the person dealing with the abandonment just couldn't trust the other person they couldn't even trust themselves which i think we all need to address in life we say how can i trust this other person how can i trust that this person isn't going to abandon me never put your trust
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outside of you always keep it inside of you so even if this person abandons you you look at that fear right in the face you don't let it haunt you you look it right in the face you say yeah even if this person abandons me i am enough and even if this person abandons me i will survive and even if this person abandons me i am worthy and so you want to look at the fear directly square in the face so it doesn't weigh you down so that your feet
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can become freed of this icky 3d ectoplasm type of a world which is living below the veil of consciousness so when we struggle with abandonment trauma when we struggle with being afraid someone's going to betray us we need to not focus on the other person or the new next person we need to focus on ourselves we have to know that we're going to show up as the best that we can the best version of ourselves and we need to trust how we feel so we're not going to ignore red flags we're not going to minimize how we feel
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we're not going to not set boundaries we're going to show up 100 as authentic as possible and as rational as possible honoring how we feel taking our emotions running it through a logical rational filter and then decided what we're going to do about how we feel this is this is a process most human beings have an emotion they're triggered their body remembers how they used to feel and a memory is absolutely i think it's joe dispenza that says a record of the past
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so how many of us are having grown past our trauma many of us i know that my first marriage was a mirror to what i experienced in childhood that was not my ex-husband's fault he fit the role of my mother who stonewalled me who was passive-aggressive who withheld love who deliberately tried to mess with my head he was a mirror for that right but i was part of it in that i don't think i could have attracted or been been in alignment or
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congruent with any other type of relationship at the time i was young i was immature i had done no self recovery work or self-discovery work in my my family it was frowned upon to look within you were considered selfish if you wanted to go to a therapist right so if i asked to go to a therapist i was told well you're crazy for wanting to go to a therapist you don't need a therapist just listen to me or things along those lines and so it
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was frowned upon to actually look for help and to admit that there was something wrong and so as we're moving forward and trying to learn about ourselves and we're trying to understand relationships and we're trying to have mutually satisfying relationships we really have to learn how to hold on to our personal power we have to learn how to show up for ourselves we have to stop living in the past and our desire for more our desire for a healthy relationship must become greater than our fear of recreating
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the old relationship that's huge because physics matters quantum law matters an object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by a force and what we have to start doing is seeing thoughts as matter so you have to see your thoughts as a force and your thoughts are creating all the time and so if you want to create something different in the future and the future is on its way whether you take this seriously or not your future is coming
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but i find that the the potential that we have is just so exciting we have the potential to create any relationship that we want any experience that we want it just matters how dedicated and how committed we become to the process of creation there are laws that govern time and space and we must become in alignment with them we have to stop pushing against them we have to stop resisting them if i want to experience love i must become love if i want the
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type of person in my life that is not going to judge me who is actually going to hold the space for me then i have to become the equivalent to that energy how do i do that i become that for myself first and so learning to love the self and honor the self first put the self first really have compassion for the self have empathy for the self acknowledge what happened in the past create brain coherence lots of times we struggle because one part of our brain says yes this happened the other ones the other part of the
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brain says no it didn't happen or i don't want to imagine that it happened or i can't believe it happened or it shouldn't have happened and so i experienced this brain lock and so part of what i do in my programs is i help people come into brain coherence what happened happened how you feel happened your programming associated with these events happened now we have to ascend that now we have to learn to completely come into alignment with what happened
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so that you can learn how to rewire your brain and move to the next level of your personal development and if anyone's interested in learning more about that you can check out my on-demand 12-week breakthrough coaching program or you can work with me in a live class that's entirely up to you so we want to get to a point where we're so attuned and in tuned with the self that we're able to recognize the red flags that are happening outside of us but are being signaled inside of us we're talking about our intuition we're learning to honor our intuition
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when we come from trauma backgrounds oftentimes we discount the intuition right it's like this this little red button right and it makes a noise beep beep beep but we keep ignoring it we keep ignoring it i know i ignored it and it was the last relationship i had before i manifested my husband anthony serious relationship with anthony that i realized oh wow i got into trouble because i ignored red flags i heard him i heard him but i ignored him
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just like a lot of people do codepended me i ignored him wanted to believe in this person even though the red flags were coming i ignored them and so i put together this list of 10 red flags that you should not ignore in a relationship and i want to talk a little bit about why each red flag is really important so what we're really asking people to do in this session is to learn how to still yourself learn how to just detach from the outside world learn how to look within learn how to
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connect to your your inside like how do i feel on the inside right so it's it's similar to if you could imagine closing your eyes being out in the park and closing your eyes and hearing everybody around you but you're paying attention to your breathing so you're aware of the outside but you're also more aware and more attuned with your personal breathing so this is you becoming aware of the outside but really attuned and grounded to the inside
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so this way if you practice that enough what ends up happening is you become aware of the intuition you feel when you're around other people it takes some practice especially if you have some codependent programming or reprogramming that you have to do and especially if you're recovering from a narcissistic relationship where the agenda of the narcissist was to get you to doubt your inner reality this does take time but i promise you that there's a formula and a process
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out of this muck and mire and again if you're interested in learning more please go to my website and check out my 12 week breakthrough coaching program so number one if you are in a relationship and you feel like you have to walk around on eggshells pay attention to the word feel this is your intuition right we don't ordinarily look at it that way but the way i feel is intuition wow you know i have to walk around eggshells when it comes to my girlfriend you know i have to like really edit everything i say before i
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talk to my husband you know i noticed that i'm very hyper vigilant when i'm around my mother-in-law i feel like i have to walk around on eggshells that's your intuition what's happening your intuition is telling you that there's a reason to be in a stress response because when you're when you feel like you have to walk around in eggshells you're actually in a stress response right cortisol is up you're not oxytocin is not flowing you are in a state of stress you are surveying
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the area for a possible attack your brain knows uh oh danger danger danger and you are subconsciously smart enough to know that this person like that can turn into a predator so part of the way you protect yourself is by walking around on eggshells the problem with that is you are being wired for lack you are being wired for a one-way relationship you are being wired to acquiesce
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literally wired you are being programmed to subjugate your needs for the sake of another person and that if you want to break through that then this is something that you need to be aware of wow i'm walking around on eggshells and that's a red flag the second red flag is that you feel again the word feel like you can't be yourself you can't laugh at what you think is funny you can't share what you'd like to share with this person you can't call this person up and
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explain something silly that happened to you at work or you feel judged by this person or you feel every time you offer some opinion the person shoots it down it's just not quite good enough they may encourage you to speak to them they may encourage you to offer advice but every time you open your mouth you are consistently shut down time and time again so your intuition is telling you hmm i can't be myself around this person and that's a red flag
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so from a higher state of awareness what you're trying to do is you're trying to notice the red flags in the environment but also notice how your intuition is telling you that's a red flag right because our internal environment we're picking up signals from the external environment and we have to start paying more and more attention to how our inner being explains or sends us signals from the outside environment so just these two red flags walking around on eggshells and you can't be yourself
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are indicators that you might be moving in the wrong direction in terms of right direction wrong direction or you're moving in the direction of a relationship that is not coherent with what you really want which is why the alarm is being sounded what we do is we adapt to the alarm no bueno codependents and people who suffer from narcissistic abuse adapt to the alarm we don't see the alarm and run we adapt to it so we are the
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person and all the lights are going on in the house the sirens are blaring and we're like pass the butter would you like more cheese with that spaghetti sauce just let me know how are the meatballs we don't even hear the alarms anymore and quite frankly that's messed up so the third sign that you're in a relationship that has some red flags brewing is that you feel like the person is stonewalling you so you cannot get from point a to point b this person shuts down they don't give you the information that
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you need to make the plans that you need to make they um also hide information from you so they give you tidbits of information but generally you feel that no matter how you how often you try to speak to this person there's this level of and it's on purpose you feel like it's being done on purpose you feel like it's a passive aggressive mood and you feel like this is their way of exercising control over you you know i can tell you in one of my most significant relationships
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you know i was very verbal i was very open about what i liked and what i didn't like and so i thought that that represented high self-esteem it did not because although it on the surface it looked like oh wow she's got high self-esteem i was stuck because i was dealing with someone who consistently stonewalled me and i was tolerating it so i was the person that adapted to the stress i was the person that was adapting to the stonewalling i was adapting to the dysfunction and the passive aggressiveness
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i was not setting boundaries on the surface it looked like the person who was stonewalling was the cool one was the calm one was the right one but inside the dynamics of the relationship it was extremely unhealthy i was throwing myself up against a wall begging to be seen begging to be heard begging to work our relationship out and i was stonewalled consistently over time and i never saw it at a red as a red flag and to me that is very sad that i spent
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so long in a relationship and never saw my own behavior as a red flag nor did i see the behavior of the other person as a red flag the next red flag is your boundaries or you feel like your boundaries are disregarded and so again i hope you hear the theme is i feel right i feel this is your intuition i feel like he just crossed the boundary or i feel like she just disregards my boundaries right so she made fun of me again at the
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party she pat me on the head like i was a little dog and that makes me feel embarrassed or you know he cheated on me he lied to me i told him this was i was never going to tolerate this again my feelings don't matter my boundaries have been disregarded i told my roommate not to take my blow dryer when she went to her friend's house for the weekend i just found out my blow dryer is missing she totally disregarded my boundaries i asked my mother-in-law not to give the kids ice cream at 4 30 because they eat at five o'clock
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she went ahead and she fed them ice cream anyway so you feel like there's a disregard for your boundaries when you're in a relationship with someone you want to move towards and feel i mean this is ideal you want to feel the way i explain it is that you want to feel like this person has good will for you that their intention is to hold your heart your words and your feelings and your stories in the palm of their hand and they hold they hold all of you close to their chest
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and when you are dealing with someone who consistently disregards your boundaries it's like they take your heart they spit on it they eat it they chew it up and they spit it on the floor they step on it they don't care so there's no regard for how you feel about their actions when it comes to violating your boundaries so you're noticing that wow this person really doesn't care that i had boundaries and so who i am as a person is not of much value to them and that's the way you'll feel another
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red flag is that you feel like the relationship is moving too fast you know i was in a relationship early on with someone who told me he loved me in like a few days bought me jewelry in a few days a bracelet that said i love you really went over the top i mean i hardly knew this person and it felt very unnatural it felt forced and so this is a huge red flag right and so if you're dealing with someone who you just meet them at work and she's telling you like oh my god you're my new best friend
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you know and i want to do everything with you it just feels forced right you hardly know this person relationships are like seeds you plant them in the ground and they take time to break through the soil and they take time to get through a storm and they take time to become these strong oak trees but everything takes time and so when you're dealing with someone who's rushing it who's forcing intimacy and who also suggests that you tell them that's a huge red flag you know when you're dealing with
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someone who's like tell me tell me tell me i want to know all your boo-boos you really in some cases if you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits this is someone who is collecting this like an arsenal and you will notice if you are dealing with a narcissist or someone with high narcissistic traits they will minimize your experiences in the future once they got the hook in your cheek really good they'll minimize your vulnerabilities in the future they'll talk about how that really wasn't a big deal that your
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trauma doesn't compare to their trauma or they start talking to other people about what you shared in private or they will use some vulnerability against you when they feel like they're losing an argument which to me is what is such a tell-tale sign of narcissism because when you're dealing with healthy people healthy intelligent people or emotionally intelligent people they don't do that they take what you share with them and they hold it sacred they would never
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exploit something that you said to someone else for their own gain to make you look bad now that's not to say that if you're in a conversation with someone i don't want anyone to feel like wait a minute i talked to my best friend about what happened to with my boyfriend that's totally fine or you called your mother and you had a conversation about what happened with this person that's totally fine i'm talking about the intention it's totally fine to take whatever experience that you've had with someone and talk to someone else about it
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that's your right you're a human being you have things going on in your life you talk to people that you trust to help you work it out one of the things that i do when i'm struggling with something you know in a relationship with someone and let's say i turn to my husband one of the first things i say to him is please do not show any bias i'm going to tell you what happened between me and this person and i want your unbiased opinion and if you think that i overreacted or if you think that i'm not seeing something
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or if you think i'm being short-sighted or if you think that i was triggered and my response was reactionary i need you to tell me now this is not me triangulating my husband against another person this is me trying to work it out again it goes back to the intention when you're dealing with a narcissist or somebody who's anti-social or somebody who is really out to prove you wrong and they cannot hear you then their intention is to triangulate you
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their intention is to get way out ahead of the relationship their intention is to set the grounds the groundwork for the idea that they're a victim of you and you're the crazy one that is their intention and so you in your relationship with this person who has high conflict you might not know that's what's happening but again it's going to go back to the intention is this person talking about me and violating my boundaries with the intention
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of being one up of controlling me of setting the stage that i'm the crazy one and they're the good one and so you will feel like your boundaries just do not matter and you will feel like the person is moving way too fast and when you start to pull back if you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits they might get angry that does happen and so when you're dealing with a narcissist who wants to love bomb you and pull you and you pull you in and you say well i want to slow things down
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that person if that person has a strong negative reaction and they get angry that's a huge red flag so angry outbursts out of nowhere that make you feel frightened you should not feel afraid around someone else i don't care if it's your mom your dad your sister your brother your partner your spouse your girlfriend your boyfriend you shouldn't feel afraid around people and people who have angry outbursts there are a couple of reasons you know there's emotional triggers there's people who have a difficult time
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regulating their emotions and then there are people who use anger as a as a way to dominate and control and manipulate people in their experience so we've seen narcissistic parents become outraged at their children as a way to get the children to shut down and behave so we're looking for dominance so if you feel afraid around someone this is a huge red flag if you've seen someone go like bananas over something really small
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and it's an angry outburst and you can't make sense out of it that's a huge red flag if you see someone who is unable to regulate their anger over the slightest things that is a red flag that you should not ignore because what will happen if you if you don't set a boundary around it and if you do and it gets violated and let's just get this straight you cannot set a boundary with a narcissist they do not work what you do in a relationship with someone who has high narcissistic traits is you hold on to yourself
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you explain your position you explain what you need to get done you wait to see if this person honors your boundaries and then you must be prepared to follow through with whatever it is you have told this person you were going to do if they violate your boundary so if you want to go into therapy and this person cheats on you again and they refuse to go into therapy then and you say you cheat on me again and you don't go into therapy as a result of it i'm leaving you have to be prepared to follow through
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if someone accuses you of doing something you've never done let's say a co-worker at work and it's become a hostile situation you remain calm in your being and you say i understand that you're upset but this has happened more than once you've accused me of taking something off your desk i never took anything off your desk i don't like being accused of things i don't like feeling threatened your anger actually intimidates me a little bit and if it continues i will go to hr so never ever ever draw a line in the
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sand that you are not prepared to back up with action because what happens is we say something we set a boundary and then we go weak we don't follow through so we say we're going to go to an attorney and we don't go to the attorney and all this does is really teach the person that we really don't mean what we say and so we need to be accountable so if you're ever going to set a boundary be prepared to back it up right so angry outbursts out of nowhere that make you feel insecure and afraid
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of what might happen next with this woman or what might happen next with this guy is a red flag you should not ignore so another red flag is that you notice that this person while speaking blames everybody else for anything that's ever happened in their life so if they've gone to jail someone else's problem someone else's fault if they had problems in their marriage it was always the spouse's fault the spouse was crazy the spouse
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was insane the spouse did everything wrong they did nothing wrong so there's no accountability in this person i remember when i was dating seriously when i said i'm going to manifest my next serious relationship i went on a couple of dates and what i was looking for was fairness and i was always so happy when i was sitting across from a man i remember one man in particular is married for 25 years and i said to him so
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you know what happened between you and your ex-wife and he said we grew apart he said she's not a bad person and neither one of us was perfect but we definitely grew apart we were we married since we were like 16 and we just decided that we were no longer a really good fit for one another we decided to end our marriage i thought that was beautiful i had been on dates with men who literally told me that everything was their wife's fault or their ex-wife's fault and i thought
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and nothing was your fault like you were 100 perfect so i think it's healthy when we're able to deal with people who have a broadened sense of awareness who can see that well maybe even if i even if you ignored red flags at least that's some accountability that's at least saying you know what i saw this and i ignored it or you know what i was doing this and i shouldn't have done it but i did it even when i met my husband anthony sitting across from the table he never
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said anything terrible at his about his ex-wife and that just always impressed me because when you ask someone what happened in your past relationships and every single relationship that they've ever had she was crazy she was a nut job she cheated on me she did this she did that or he did this he did that every single relationship it was the other person's problem and you can't see any part in it right considering we are the common denominator in every
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relationship we've ever had so when you notice that someone who you've attracted into your life has a tendency to blame the waitress for why he gave her an attitude and you can't make any sense of it or they got fired and you can't make sense of it or they get drunk again and they tell you that oh you know i had an argument with my mom so i just went and i got drunk and this is a pattern right it's always someone else's fault that's a huge red flag
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because healthy relationships need to be relationship need to be relationships that are negotiable right so if you're dealing with someone who you have the potential to be in a long standing relationship with this is someone that's going to have to ebb and flow with you as your needs change as their needs change as situations change it change you need to be with someone who has the ability to ebb and flow and grow with you and relationships that are rigid and you are in a relationship with someone who needs to blame
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everyone else but themselves it's not going to last it's sort of like if you think about a tree in the forest that's really really rigid what happens when the storm comes it breaks but if you have a tree in the forest that has some give and has some room as the wind blows it doesn't get knocked down and so that's what you're looking for in a relationship and certainly if you're dealing with someone who says everything is someone else's fault you're not going to have the ability to ebb and flow with them it's going to be a very rigid relationship dynamic and it will not last
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i mentioned this a little bit earlier before but they use another red flag is that this person uses something that you shared with them against you right so they use it to embarrass you they use it to manipulate you so the minute you have an argument with this person this person says something like well you're the one that's been in therapy for 12 years or you know what your ex-husband told you you you you're crazy now i know why or you
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know what your daughter no long no longer talks to you now i know why or oh you're the one that that took those pictures of yourself back in college you know it's it's uh your fault that they're you're afraid that they might hit the internet now right so you share something really vulnerable with them and they use it against you to try to [ __ ] you they want you to feel ashamed the goal is shame okay so they make you feel ashamed what's the goal of making you feel ashamed dominance and control over you they want
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you to be afraid of what they think about you they want you to be afraid of what other people think about you the goal is fear and i say in life we have to learn to look at fear right in the face and say not today not today it is amazing how empowered you feel when you say fear bring it on what do i got to look at today what do i have to look at today like whack-a-mole whack-a-mole whack-a-mole what's the fear of the day and rather than push it away bring it right to the forefront of your mind and you look it
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right in the face and you say i'm not afraid of you today so when someone uses your vulnerabilities against you rather than shrivel and recoil acknowledge that this is a very dangerous thing that this person has done you know you can see them as some cartoon character you can see them as some video game character really trying to annihilate you and see yourself as the heroine or or the hero you know in this dynamic where you're saying not today i see what you're doing oh that's guilt oh that's shame wow that
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was really nice of you to throw something in my face that i shared with you you know you let them know that this is not sinking in that the real the real uh reveal here here is that this person has the ability to use your vulnerabilities against you that's the real reveal that's what just came to light that i'm dealing with someone who is able to take something that i considered so sacred and shared with him so deeply or
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shared it with her so her so deeply and they threw it in my face because they were losing an argument wow that's what you should be focusing on so the next red flag is that you feel like you can't tell them your truth right so you feel like you're constantly holding back you're constantly minimizing yourself you can't talk you're always censoring yourself there's this fear and intimidation that no matter what you say it's not going to be quite
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enough or it's going to be chastised it's going to be ridiculed you're going to be patronized right so you feel like it's time for me to shut down i can't talk so it's related to you feeling like your throat chakra has been shut down so again this is your intuition if your throat chakra is locking down and you find that you're very quiet at the dinner table or when you're around a certain person or around a group of people or one person and you you shut down pay attention to
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that because that's a red flag your spirit is trying to tell you this is not a safe situation and your mind has learned that this is not a safe situation so your response is to shut down because you're trying to protect yourself but we can't thrive in a state of protection it's so important that we really recognize right in the face look at it cognitively we don't grow when we're in a state of stress we don't grow when when we are in a state of constriction
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so if i am in a relationship that causes me to feel like i can't express myself i can't talk then i'm shutting myself down then the spirit being that i am the person that i've came that i have come to express is unable to get expressed through this experience and through this with this in this relationship that's something that i need to pay attention to because that is very very detrimental to my mental emotional and spiritual growth so please don't ignore that red flag
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so the last red flag that you don't want to ignore is this idea that you don't trust them you don't know why in some cases but just met this person and i don't trust them don't ignore that you might not be ready to be in this relationship you might be sensing something from your six senses from your intuition that you don't consciously or cognitively have any backing for you know don't discount it go steady go slow with this person if
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you don't trust them i have found whenever i have ignored that feeling it blows up in my face i have talked myself out of distrusting the distrust that i had more often than i like to remember and every single time when i look back in reflection i think i had the feeling i knew i should have gone with that that answer but i let my codependency get to me or i didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or you know i just thought no it's being
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silly or i had no evidence we live in a 3d world but we forget we're more vibrational than anything you are far less matter than you are energy you are far more light than you are matter but we think that we're all matter and so what we do in a 3d world is we look for facts we look for answers we look for proof that what we feel is real and yet what we feel so oftentimes is so much more real
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than physical matter i felt that my first relationship with my ex-husband was wrong right i felt it but i got married anyway right i couldn't point at anything i couldn't say well he did this and well he couldn't touch whatever it was that i thought was wrong between us but i felt that it was wrong but i stayed married anyway and i didn't have one kid i had two i didn't have two kids i had three we had a business together we built a home together right we built a life together the whole time
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it doesn't feel right it feels off but i didn't have the tools i didn't have the trust i didn't understand living below the veil of consciousness i didn't know that i was showing up half a person at if that i didn't know that i was looking at looking outside of myself thinking that if i keep doing and doing certainly happiness will show up somewhere i had no idea what i was doing wrong i had no idea how to honor red flags and boy did i learn my lessons so now these days
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i don't walk around on eggshells i'll just go through the list i am not afraid to be myself i don't deal with stonewalling in my life my boundaries are absolutely respected my husband is accountable and i'm accountable we don't blame other people for why we are the way we are if you study quantum mechanics long enough it ends up coming to your door you cannot escape it if you study the law of attraction you study quantum physics so when it comes to blame we're always looking well how did i
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how am i contributing to this you know even if it is my childhood i'm not not responsible for what happened to me what am i not doing today what am i what am i not who am i not talking to what behaviors am i not participating in one of the things that i noticed when i was suffering from panic attack and depression was i wasn't meditating i wasn't journaling i wasn't exercising and i wasn't paying attention to my nutrition these are four things that are free and the minute i started meditating journaling paying attention
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to my nutrition and exercising i start to feel better right again there's a formula to meditating there's a formula to journaling you know and i feel like i'm i've figured it out because i'm so much better than i used to be and again if you're interested in tools like these please check out the 12-week breakthrough coaching program but there are there's a formula to turning this around but you've got to be able to do it and you have to be able to take accountability for what is in your life before you can manage your life and that
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doesn't mean when you're taking accountability for it you're saying you caused it right because every relationship takes two you're just saying you know what i think i want to pay attention to what what is on my side of the fence and whether or not i'm giving my power away and how how can i take it back and how can i get some of my energy back and how can i be more self-loving and how can i be more self-responsible a little bit every day remember a petal a but well actually a flower unfolds one petal at a time
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this takes time but you can do it and so my husband has never once never once nor have i used anything that i shared with him against me nor have i used anything that he's ever shared with me that's personal against him to hurt him i feel like i can say anything to my husband i don't feel like i have to censor myself and i believe that he feels the same way i have to actually ask him that question and i have trust in him but when it comes to trust in him
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you know i think we have to really think about the word trust because anytime we put our trust outside of us we're vulnerable and that can set us up for failure instead when i put the trust inside my own heart inside my own mind when i've organized my mind to a point where i recognize that i have the ability to trust myself and i know that if x y and z happens this is what i'm going to do so you have competence you have confidence so your trust lies
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in yourself not outside of you so even if this person breaks your trust you have the trust that you'll be able to survive and so i really hope that this list helps you identify 10 red flags and understanding why these red flags are so important i hope that they help you navigate your relationships moving forward i hope they help you pay attention to what you should be watching out for and i hope they help you also navigate the next healthy relationship that comes along because when you know what's wrong
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then you know what's right so i really hope that this if you love this content don't forget to check out the next video and you can go to my website and take the codependency quiz

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