My 10 "Iron Rules" for Relationships (that destroyed my marriage)

My 10 "Iron Rules" for Relationships (that destroyed my marriage)

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00:00
hey happy holidays tech late here hope you and your family are doing well although this is the time of year when a lot of relationships start to crumble i've heard that january is the highest time for divorces and that kind of reminds me about two years ago my relationship fell apart as well and you know what's funny is that i think every relationship has rules right people come up with rules for each other and these are the rules that they abide by for example never going to sleep angry might be one example of a rule that you may have and so what i found in my relationship which lasted about four years was that i came up with a whole bunch of rules as
00:31
well and i like to call these the ten iron rules of the tech lead for relationships and i believe that while these rules did lead to the destruction of my marriage they're also essential for a new relationship as well so without further ado let's get into it okay so these rules i found myself repeating over and over again i must have repeated these rules 100 times throughout the relationship and they just never get through it the first rule i have is silence is complicit agreement so it implies a 100 agreement in whichever course of action i've decided so for example if i decided
01:03
hey you know what we're going to go get a pizza for dinner tonight and the other person says yeah sure pizza sounds good then i don't expect to have to compensate this person later on because they agreed to whatever i asked for right i assumed that this person wanted pizza as much as i did so it's not like the other person can say hey since they agreed to have pizza with me tonight then the next night i have to do something for them rather i assume that hey maybe i didn't even want pizza either maybe i thought the other person wanted pizza and so i suggested that as a way to be nice to them and i'm expecting them to do something for me
01:34
nice tomorrow as well and so the way i see as we move forward in life we're really going side by side together along in the same step and it's not like one person's leading the other person or someone is being submissive to another person obeying whatever the other person's saying and then later coming back and saying well it was your fault that got us into this mess you're the one who chose to buy this house you were the one who chose dinner and therefore because dinner was bad it was your fault there's none of that i don't want to receive any of the blame if the person didn't speak up at the time if they didn't voice any concern or if ultimately
02:04
they did give the final go-ahead and said yes we should bid on this house yes we should have this for dinner then i'm assuming 100 agreement as if that person made the decision on their own and i don't want to be held accountable or responsible for somebody else's happiness after that and ultimately maybe the belief behind this is that i don't believe it is my responsibility or job to make somebody else happy they are responsible for their own happiness and together i view both of our jobs as to craft a future that is going to be good for both of us and so therefore i do expect people to
02:34
be responsible for the decisions that they either make on their own or are silently complicit with because as we all know silence is violence alright moving on to rule number two which is no stonewalling so stonewalling means that you just shut down an argument you just stop talking to the other person is the silent treatment which by the way if you read this article on the four horsemen of the apocalypse relationship they identify four traits that really can predict a divorce in any relationship and one of them the strongest trait is known as stonewalling and it turns out i'll go
03:05
over the other traits but the other ones are criticism contempt and defensiveness but as a general rule i have never utilized the silent treatment i am always open to conversations discussions arguments whenever the other person has some complaint i don't just say you know what i just don't want to hear it anymore let's just shut down i always try to make myself available my door is always open because i believe that issues should be talked out and it becomes problematic when the other person just wants to shut down discussions and they just say you know what they've had enough they don't want to talk anymore you know in that scenario i would
03:34
recommend people can always take a break if they want to they can say hey you know what let's just things are getting a little bit heated let's come back and say 30 minutes and we talk this out after we've had a break or alternatively sometimes i will write an email maybe like a one-page email at the end of the day explaining all of the concerns that i had thought up throughout the day although i find that that tactic doesn't really work so well because then the other person comes back and says hey you were angry this whole time and it just causes this whole other argument but i do believe that issues should be talked out and people should come up with a space to do that
04:05
now this kind of relates to my third cardinal rule which is that complaints must be made within 24 hours no grudges can be held after the fact and this simply comes down to me liking the idea that when i wake up each day in the morning it is a fresh day and nothing lingers in from the past day you know i don't want to wake up and say hey you know what a week ago maybe i said something that offended somebody or i did some action and now weeks or months later i have to pay for that i have to compensate for that by doing something by taking out the garbage or whatever it is
04:36
and the reason this point is so crucial is because i may wake up one day and just be feeling really great really happy and i want to do something great for the day you know maybe i want to plan a great trip to the amusement park and then the other person wakes up feeling still bitter angry resentful against me and so this whole beautiful day that i've planned and that i'm going to pay for probably two is going to pretty much go to waste because the other person is just not on the same page as me and i don't want to have to deal with that i want to make it easy for everybody in their relationship to be able to put an
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effort into the relationship and to then be properly rewarded for that effort instead of having put an effort and then not getting the proper reward for it maybe they go through a whole day they put in all this time and effort into making it a great day and then still the other person says well remember a month ago you said this thing or you did this thing so therefore i still hate you even after all of that effort that's just going to cause a visual cycle and when you do make a complaint make sure to complain about the issue the topic at hand rather than the person and so this was actually also one of the horsemen of the apocalypse
05:38
which is known as criticism you don't want to criticize the other person you want to criticize the issue at hand my fourth rule has to do with safety you know i always have an issue when i get into the car with somebody and they're a crazier driver than me right maybe they like to go fast they like to step on the pedal and to me i'm a passenger sitting in their car risking my life really for their enjoyment i get no enjoyment out of it whereas they're just racing around and i just want to let these people know that they do not have a right to risk my life for their own enjoyment
06:08
if they want to speed around in dangerous risky activities then that should really be done on their own in their own time if at all even and so for example with the pandemic lately i know this probably caused some relationship issues as well you know some people have higher risk profiles than other people and i would say out of consideration everybody should reduce to the lowest common denominator on what people are comfortable with and this is simply out of respect and consideration for the other people you want everybody to just be really comfortable with their life i don't want somebody to be with me and
06:40
feel like they're risking their life just to do that or to be uncomfortable that's not really a nice thing to do to somebody else so for example if you're with somebody and they believe that you should go no more than 10 miles per hour above the current speed limit then out of respect and consideration for them because your desire is to make this other person happy while they're a passenger in your car then you should just drive by the speed limit in order to make sure that they're having a great time on the trip with you and the same really goes with any risk profile if somebody's afraid of fires in their house then go ahead and just install a fire alarm just to make that person feel
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comfortable and this is not a point that i believe necessarily needs to be compromised upon you know compromise isn't the central ingredient in your relationship but as far as physical or mental safety goes just making sure that everybody is really comfortable and has their basic needs met then if possible i think people should go through that extra effort all right moving on to rule number five which is known as the clean state so i need my own space and i like my space to be clean and organized it just has to do with my personality type or maybe my need to be productive or simply out of respect for
07:40
each other's spaces but generally this is kind of like how you expect roommates to live together let's say there's a share of the living room among two roommates well people have this idea that nobody is really going to go and dominate that living room they're not going to just scatter their clothes and stuff and products and bags all over the place rather this living room has this clean state it's the state in which everything should look once it's organized and clean maybe the remote control is where everybody expects it to be there's going to be no trash laundry or stuff on the floor such that everybody can use that living space effectively and that's how i like to
08:12
think about and organize my life and when there's this living space where the other person can come and just start dominating using all of the space for themselves and putting all of their clothes all over the place and then i go there and i'm thinking you know this was the cash that i bought and i can't even use it because there's food everywhere or maybe i even have my own desk and then when i come back from work sometimes i'll find all this stuff on my desk because the other person was using my desk you know this just has to do with in my opinion just being considerate to the other person and respecting their personal physical space because i think
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everybody does need their own little cave that nobody else can go and interfere with it when you look at animals for instance this was hardwired like a lot of animals just have their own little space that they will protect and nobody else can go in and mess it up for them all right moving on to rule number six your health problems become my health problems and similarly by the way your financial problems become my financial problems too but based on this the idea is that it is not allowed for you to treat yourself poorly right like if i see that you're not
09:14
eating well or if you're not sleeping properly then that's really going to become my problem in the future right because i'm going to be the person having to take care of you i have to deal with all of the after effects of somebody who is not living properly and then they develop all sorts of mental problems maybe they develop stress wrinkles on their face maybe they engaged in dangerous physical hobbies like mountain climbing rock climbing or driving fast cars and then they get injured they break their leg well guess who has to take care of that who has to be responsible for that all of those problems become my problems as well they become the
09:45
other spouse's problems same with financial issues right like if somebody really enjoys wasting money spending money on useless trinkets and they don't want to educate themselves to financially learn about the principles of financial independence for example then all of those financial issues become something that i have to pay for for me to reach my own personal financial goals and so as you can imagine this becomes extremely frustrating when it comes to bedtime and i tell the other person you gotta put your phone away and it's way past bedtime you gotta go to sleep and then they say well you're controlling you know stop dominating me well no it's
10:17
rather i do like to give everybody plenty of freedom to manage and be responsible for their own lives but at the end of the day there are certain shared aspects of your lifestyle that are going to directly affect me and so in order for me to be comfortable with you as a long-term investment then i need you to protect your physical and mental health and usually that's it's too long of a speech to tell somebody else and it just causes this huge argument rule number seven is about intimacy in the bedroom and i would say that this has to be on a basis that whatever two people are comfortable with
10:48
and you know i've seen a lot of loveless marriages these days without intimacy and i always said to myself i'm not going to be stuck in one of those i don't want it that's not acceptable to me and this is especially something to think about in monogamous relationships where you're essentially saying to the other person that you're going to be their only option and so therefore because you've chosen to give up your other options the other person in my opinion has an obligation to help you fulfill those physical desires and you know i don't think it's something that should be bargained with or traded with or to be withheld for any reason you know this is the deal that two people
11:18
make and if they're not comfortable with that deal if they don't want to help each other out if they want to just be roommates then maybe they should maybe they should just open up their relationship right like at that point which i don't really recommend either due to stds but at that point i don't know what the other options are okay moving on to rule number eight which has to do with mutual respect and this is also one of the horsemen of the apocalypse which is known as contempt so contempt is more than just criticism it's when you're actually mean to somebody mocking them with sarcasm ridicule
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calling them names and so while criticism which is also unacceptable but that involves attacking the other person's character contempt assumes a position of moral superiority above somebody else thinking that the other person is just somehow inferior to you and this is really the basis of disrespect which in my opinion leads to not assuming positive intent about the other character not being able to trust the other person and anytime something happens then you assume that the other person had poor judgment or was working against you or was simply just being too idiotic
12:21
and then you find that you cannot trust this other person i would say that true mutual respect is being able to say to the other person that you trust them like in that movie aladdin jasmine said she trusted him and just closed her eyes and jumped off of the building and then aladdin caught her of course with his magic rug now i would say that true trust between two people is being able to close your eyes and telling the other person you can lead the day for me and we'll do whatever you want today and then the next day maybe i get to lead and we'll do whatever i want the next day
12:52
and in reality i don't know many people who would sign up for a relationship like that but that would be like real trust between two people but it comes down to the idea that i've never wanted to be one of those couples on tv who you see like the woman's just trash talking the guy disrespecting him making fun of him and the guy is just saying well yeah she's my better half and then maybe the guy is trash talking the woman as well and it's kind of this funny silly banter but it's kind of passive aggressive as well i never wanted that i always looked up more to the couple who really respected each other and tried to make each other happy and so it
13:23
comes down to the idea that just good is not good enough i wanted greatness and i won't settle for just good and that's simply because i can probably be great by myself now going on to rule number nine is you are free to leave at any time and so if anytime somebody asks me well what am i willing to do to please them to make them happy to make sure that they're happy in this relationship it was just like if you're not happy you should just go because it's not my job again to make you happy and it's not necessarily your job to make me happy it is the idea that one
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plus one should equal three you get two people together and you build something that is greater than the sum of the parts and it should be a mutually beneficial relationship and if anybody's just not happy with it then they're free to leave and really this is probably the only way to get a relationship to succeed if you read this book never split the difference by christophos he mentions that there are three types of yes there's the counterfeit yes where they say that they want to be there but they don't really there's the complacent yes which is okay fine yeah they're there they're okay and then
14:24
there's the really enthusiastic yes they really want to be in a relationship because it's going to be great and they're going to work hard to make a great one and that's the type of yes that i want and then my tenth cardinal rule is that being a spouse being a wife or husband is a job and your relationship therefore is your own to protect it's not necessarily my job to protect this relationship you have to put in the effort to protect the relationship too and so for example if i go to work and i come back and i find that my wife and my parents caused this huge argument and then i
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have to be there and it's my second job in the day to try to solve this argument and get everybody to work together and be nice together again it was like why is it my job to do both a day job and then to come back at night and take on a second job as a mediator you know this should really be somebody else's job is not necessarily mine to take care of and if nobody cares enough about this to really take care of it then the relationship will just crumble it should be the proactive job of both spouses to do whatever it takes to protect the relationship and to own that protection and to end
15:26
and so for example if you take a look at the relationship with the in-laws right so for example my parents and my ex-wife you take a look at them i don't want to be the bridge between them you know i don't want to be the person who should communicate to me i communicate up to my parents and i'm the bridge that goes back and forth and you know i have a feeling that one day i may die early and if i do then what's going to happen to that right once me as the bridge collapses then that whole relationship falls apart and i really shouldn't be the middleman between these groups of people they really need to develop their own relationship and they need to
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be responsible for that and protect that relationship in order to make the whole family stronger because as they say when you marry somebody you don't just marry them you marry their family as well and so i don't want to be the bridge the middle man between two groups of people always mediating them making sure that everybody gets along because it's not really my job all parties should really step up and be active in protecting their relationships if that's really something important to them be intentional about guiding your relationship to success because it's not like dating where people just floated around and just let anything go
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just see what they can encounter once you're in a long-term relationship you really have to put in a lot of work hours and time and effort in order to make sure that everybody's on the same page and that relationship is going towards a path that both people can be happy with so that'll do for me hope you enjoyed my rules but let me know what are some of the rules that you've set in place for your relationships i think that would be really interesting to see in the comments i'll see you there if you like the video please give like and subscribe really appreciate that and i'll see you in the next one thanks and happy holidays

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