5 CPTSD Behaviors After Narcissistic Abuse That Damage Relationships

5 CPTSD Behaviors After Narcissistic Abuse That Damage Relationships

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hello friends welcome back so today i was talking about five cptsd behaviors that make it really challenging to have healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse okay so it's it's a reality that if you have or had a long-term relationship with somebody that was toxic like a malignant narcissist whether it was a parent or a significant other you were engaged in a lot of unhealthy relationship behaviors right it's just how it is that
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person isn't healthy they don't teach healthy relationship skills and you know when you're in that for a long time it's really hard to be healthy with somebody that doesn't appreciate healthy behaviors for example just to illustrate this in a healthy relationship with some if somebody's upset with you it's healthy to handle it from a calm and grounded place but that doesn't work with the narcissist because they don't want you calm and grounded because if you're common ground they see
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themselves and they don't want to see themselves and they don't want to be the one with the problem so they provoke you to react so that they can feel like they are the ones that are okay all right so i just wanted to show you what i mean by healthy behaviors in a relationship with a narcissist does not result in a healthy relationship because they don't like those healthy behaviors okay i'm spitting all over the place but my point is if you leave that relationship and you
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still have unhealed cptsd then it's going to be really challenging for you to develop healthy relationships afterwards and that sucks because not only were you in a long-term toxic relationship with that with that person but you were probably isolated and unable to form healthy relationships with others you were probably forced to be around what in this community we call their flying monkeys which are people that think the narcissist is amazing and that you are the problem
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and so you've been in those dynamics for a long time if you are out of them and you've detoxed your life from toxic people congratulations but now the challenge is how to have those healthy relationships after that okay and so i'm going to talk about five things that people with cptsd after narcissistic abuse often struggle with i'd be curious to know in the comments section if one or if any of them are things that resonate with you so with that in mind let's get started for those that don't know me my name is
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michelle i'm a life and relationship coach i'm super passionate about helping people overcome narcissistic abuse as well as complex ptsd i'm also the founder of the thriver school of transformation which is a monthly membership where we meet live weekly and we work through this together so it's my thing i'll leave the link up there for you guys if anyone wants to check it out if you feel you can benefit from live weekly assistance so let's jump into those five behaviors okay number one you either
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over share or under share with people as you are trying to strengthen or um or develop healthy relationships okay and which one you do is largely dependent on your trauma response so for example if your main trauma response is fon fawn is i will sacrifice self to make you happy and again this comes about because
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you were forced to do that as a as a survival coping skill if in childhood you acted in a way that your parent didn't like it was so abusively dealt with that as a result you developed the trauma response to just do whatever the other person wants to just please and appease again because it was a coping skill you had to do that to survive but because you've done it for a long
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time it you can be stuck in that trauma response so when you're around people you meet somebody new this wanting to please and gain their approval can often cause you to spill out a lot of information that can be too much when it comes to healthy relationships healthy relationships build slowly over time trust is something that is built and when we over share right basically the energy that we're
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coming from is i want you to like me i want you to see that i'm a good person and that energy believe it or not that only attracts narcissists or toxic people a healthy person doesn't feel comfortable when another individual that they don't really know is sharing such deep and personal information so fast the opposite can take place if your trauma response is freeze okay so if your trauma response has been
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to freeze and to just dissociate or not do anything because if you did anything you you were punished or emotionally um you know hurt so you develop the skill of just not doing anything then you don't share anything at all and then it's hard for people to feel like you're there and it's almost like you have no personality not because you don't have a personality okay i want to clarify this because it's
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not about blaming yourself or shaming yourself it's about understanding the behaviors that we can often get stuck in and the reason why it can come across that you don't have a personality is because with narcissists an individual personality is a threat to them and so anytime you revealed and showed your personality you were punished so it's understandable why this is a struggle because that trauma response is still strong and kicking on but again it's about
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learning to work through our trauma responses which obviously we don't want to eliminate our trauma responses have their place but we do want to get them into a healthy realm otherwise they will affect our relationships whether the narcissist is in your life or not number two is a lack of trust along with a hyper vigilance to narcissistic traits okay and this has to do with our reticular activating system all right that's the part of our brain that's like a filter
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so in the school of transformation we talked about how to use this part to help us with our self-image the thing with the reticular activating system is that sometimes it's programmed in such a way that instead of helping us it hinders us okay so for example just to explain a little bit about what it is so that's a part of our brain that really helps us to see or to take in information that our brain deems as important to us and it's programmed
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through what we spend a lot of time paying attention to combined with the emotional charge that that we have with what we're paying attention to so for example if somebody is pregnant right they're excited about their pregnancy they're learning a lot about pregnancy and what begins to happen they begin seeing pregnant people all over the place it's not that suddenly there are more pregnant people out there but it's just that your brain is seeing that this is important to you
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and so it's helping you to notice what you might not have noticed before i remember my my son one time telling me mom you know when i think about you know i was thinking about this topic and suddenly i began to see it all over the place it's almost like i was creating it you know we laughed and we talked about it but it was his reticular activating system once your brain starts to see what's important to you it will start helping you to see it more and more well as you're healing
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and you first learn about narcissistic abuse you're like looking at video after video you're learning you're taking in all this information and there is a highly charged emotion with it you're either feeling super validated or you're feeling um you know this intense desire to protect yourself you could be feeling a ton of different things but the point is is that when you're at that point your brain is noticing and it's like oh narcissistic traits are important to
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michelle and so suddenly we start seeing narcissists everywhere isn't that true guys like when you were going through your experience and you were learning this information at some point weren't you like okay wow i'm learning about this and now i see them everywhere okay that's part of your reticular activating system pointing out what was always there but helping you to see it more because it now knows that that's important to you the problem with that is that it can we can develop a hyper
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vigilant kind of um outlook to the point that we don't trust anybody and let's say somebody's smile is just like a little curled up in the corner right and that's just their normal smile and let's pretend that they are a normal person but you've been learning about the narcissistic smirk so suddenly bam you're like that's a narcissist or maybe somebody said something to you a friend or whatever relationship you're in and maybe you really did
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not maybe you really didn't hear them the way they said it and so they say something like well actually that's not you know what i meant and your brain's like gaslighting narcissist bam and the problem with that is that the reticular activating system may be pointing things out to you behaviors but it may not always be accurate and while it's a good thing and it's an important thing to be able to spot narcissistic traits if it's if we're so
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hyper vigilant to that point we're unable to be present with people and our brain is just it's like a scanner just looking for narcissistic traits and that can make it really hard to trust people the third cptsd behavior that makes it really really hard to formulate healthy relationships is if you are highly triggered okay being triggered really just means that you still have some unhealed wounds if you don't take time to heal them
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they come up in strange ways okay and when you're triggered you are acting from your trauma response you're not acting as the real you how i would act if a lion's about to tear my head off is very different than how i would act if i'm just a little upset about something someone said but when we are highly triggered we react in both of those circumstances as if the lion's trying to take my head off okay so how that shows up
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is if we get upset if somebody says something that hurts our feelings and again it's touching on the wounds and the years of invalidated pain from having your feelings hurt it's going to turn on your trauma response and depending on your trauma response is how you're going to show up for that person so if you have a strong fight response you're going to overreact you're going to come very strongly at that person in with
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either a strong defense or offense where you're offensively attacking them for something that your nervous system is associating with the past and this person is taking the brunt of what happened to you in the past and that's really hard it's really hard because it can cause that person to to back away and maybe that person is healthy but they see that you're not in an emotional place yet to
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really be able to have a healthy relationship and so it can cause you know healthy people to just feel uncomfortable or not safe because they don't know um if you're going to be triggered and when you're triggered the behaviors that are going to come up as a result and that's hard because it's not that you're a bad person and it's not that you want to hurt people it's very much like a wounded animal uh imagine you have the most imagine you
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have the most loving cat or dog and they are the most affectionate dog or animal that you've ever owned but if that animal got hit by a car and you didn't know and it has a broken leg and you go to touch that animal it's either going to bite or scratch you not because it's a bad animal but because it's hurt and it's trying to protect itself so that can happen when you are
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wanting to be in relationships but you still have those triggers the fourth behavior that can be really hard is being able to let the past go so for example what i mean by that is uh you're out of the relationship whether it was your parent or a significant other you've been out for a while but your mind spends so much time in the past that it's really hard for you to be present and it can almost feel like what
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happened to you is is like your identity now and you know that's really hard because if you want to have a healthy relationship especially with the significant other being in the past is just going to really uh make it challenging and again it's not that you want to be it's not that you're not wanting to be in the present but that's the thing with cptsd cptsd actually can keep you stuck in trauma loops in your mind
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that are really hard to break out of and the crazy thing the crazy thing about cptsd is how much resistance your own body and brain give you when you're trying to let go of these things so it's really challenging it's really hard you have to be compassionate with yourself on this journey but if you don't realize that you're stuck in these loops what we don't understand or what is what behaviors are unconscious we can't change and we can't update and
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upgrade so i know it it hurts when we start looking at the behaviors we might be stuck in but try to take it as you know what this is helping me this is like a wellness check when you go to the doctor if they discover something early right uh it hurts to see that maybe you have something physically wrong with you but at least now you know and you can start taking steps to work through it well that's the point of this video is to help us to see what areas we may need to start taking
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steps towards in order to um let go of behaviors that are venting us from having healthy relationships and number five see ptsd behavior that makes it hard to have healthy relationships is being passive aggressive and again this isn't because you want to be passive aggressive but what happens because of trauma is that anytime you were honest with your feelings you were punished so your brain creates paired
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associations and it's like if i tell them i'm upset they're gonna it's gonna be so much worse that it's just the better to stay quiet and you freeze and you don't say anything the problem with this behavior is eventually it's very much like the jack in the box right we stuff things down and they come flying out and that can be really damaging to relationships because then we come from a fight response so we're always shifting depending on our situation
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in between our trauma responses but if these trauma responses haven't been brought to a place where they are stable where they are functioning in a way that help us which is how it should be and they're going to hinder our relationships so those are five behaviors that if you're engaging in any of them it's not because you're a bad person it's not because it's impossible for you to have healthy relationships it's not because no matter how hard you try you can't have good friends
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i want to point that out because that's what our brain will latch onto that's another cptsd behavior is that those limiting beliefs start getting strengthened by these behaviors and it's a trauma loop right we have these limiting beliefs so then we act in these ways then we see that it takes place and we stay stuck in that cycle none of that is true what it is is that your fight responses are not regulated the way they should be they have not fully healed from the trauma that you
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experienced and the benefit about learning this is that now you can see where your areas are that need attention and you can start giving yourself that attention for those that are interested in getting weekly assistance live assistance instead of just videos make sure you check out the thriver school of transformation because that's what we do it's all about working through complex ptsd with in a live setting on zoom with other
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drivers there are over a hundred people in this community all over the world so if you're struggling to work through these side effects alone make sure you check us out

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