7 Ways Mature People Differ From Narcissists

7 Ways Mature People Differ From Narcissists

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00:00
i'm aware that many of you have expressed the desire for online counseling and to that effect we have a sponsor who will help you and assist you in that respect so if you will go beneath the video you'll find a link to our online counseling sponsor they they have a whole team of counselors that can help you practice self-care get the help that you need [Music]
00:42
i'm very aware that a high percentage of you watching this video have had great difficulty because of interactions with narcissistic individuals and those people can make life miserable for you in many ways and i know that there are times when you may think yourself i so hate the influence that that person has had on my life what am i going to do so that i can shake whatever it is that they're trying to throw at me and not being ruined by this well i have a good idea for you today and i want you to hear my heart because
01:12
what i'm wanting to do even as i empathize and sympathize with some of the strains that you've been with i want you to decide you know i'm going to watch and see what these individuals do with their life and i'm going in a different direction one of the words that we could use to describe a narcissist is the word immaturity they're highly immature they're very self-absorbed they they haven't really learned to get outside of themselves by investing themselves in other individuals they're easily emotionally dysregulated
01:43
they have all these cravings and impulses that they just can't seem to contain and i'm hoping you can say i can do better i need to do better and so even as they have created difficulties i'm hoping that you can have the motivation that says i'm going to draw upon some insights that i have about the narcissistic pattern and i'm going to go in the much better more mature way now to that extent what i'd like to do is i'd like to give us a compare and contrast for seven different ingredients
02:14
seven different ways that mature people differ from narcissism so you with me on that all right let's go with that the first characteristic i want to focus on is mature individuals are able to grapple with truth they're able to come to terms with things that may not necessarily fit their paradigm and yet there it is pleasant or unpleasant you know there are times when things don't go according to plans or people disappoint or you made a miscalculation healthy people
02:46
will say well let's be objective let's put it all out there on the table and let's discuss what all this means i'm willing to take responsibility if i need to make adjustments we can do that and we can move forward they can come to terms with truth one of the things that we know about narcissists as a contrast is they operate with a sense of the false self they're constantly about not keeping a certain image up and if something comes along that they don't like and it's a truth it's like well let's rearrange our thoughts about what that truth is then
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and so they go with what we call alternate reality they can't be honest about their mistakes or they they become enraged when things don't go well according to their plans and rather than saying well i'm just going to come to terms with what is they have no objectivity regarding that they're deeply subjectively driven and as a result they stay emotionally dysregulated a second way that we can contrast mature people from the narcissist is mature people have a high degree of
03:46
acceptance acceptance of oneself and acceptance of others and this means in both the pluses and the minuses you know if if i for example make a mistake well i can still accept me if you make a mistake i can accept you if i have strengths if you have strengths i have a good acceptance and appreciation for that there's there's just a sense that says uh why don't we realize that there are certain aspects about humanity that just are there and rather than a plan that could have would have should a game or having all these
04:18
idealisms that just are going to take us to a lot of disappointment we're going to say let's accept life for what it is it's a mixture of good and bad narcissists they're not accepting people at all uh as and one of the things that they do is it's like if something doesn't go according to my standards i don't accept that i'm gonna condemn you they have a lot of shame that they engage with others with they hold others in contempt and and actually you can see that much of that
04:48
is a projection of their own shame of their humanity because they have to keep their humanity hidden they don't want to admit any of that these individuals cannot and will not show acceptance toward you because they don't have an acceptance of the real self that's on the inside healthy people it's like no let's let acceptance be something that's just natural in the way that we engage with each other doesn't mean condoning it just means i accept things as they are a third way that mature people differ
05:18
from the narcissist is healthy mature individuals have a strong sense of autonomy now by that i mean they have a good set of standards and principles and values and they don't just kind of go with the wind or the prevailing mood of the moment narcissistic individuals don't have that sense of autonomy now they're they're stubborn they'll say they have principles but what it means is they just have an agenda that they want to fit everybody into
05:49
and if if they have to believe a certain way today in order to get their way they'll do that if they have to shift their preferences or beliefs or interpretations the next way to get their way they'll do that they they don't really have that sense of loyalty that says i know who i am from the inside out and i'm going to live in a very consistent way day in and day out whereas the autonomous mature healthy person says i'm not i'm not into the mood of the moment i know who i am and i'm going to live in it a consistent
06:20
kind of way a fourth way that mature people differentiate from the narcissist is they have strong feelings of appreciation appreciation is a very common thing that mature people have i mean it can be something as simple as somebody did you a favor and you're very grateful the simple things in life that come along i had a nice meal today i have a good uh roof over my head i have nice friends i've got a good car i have water that works i appreciate a sunset i like playing
06:51
cards and games with my nieces and nephews all of that narcissists are not very appreciative they have such a strong attitude of entitlement it's like well what have you done for me today and what are you going to give me tomorrow and rather than just being able to say ah in the moment it's like no there's just an attitude that says you're probably not going to meet my standards and if you do well i deserved it if you don't there's something wrong with you so they operate with a strong attitude
07:22
of criticism a fifth ingredient that differentiates the mature person from the narcissist is mature people are invested in the rest of humanity you know we all are interconnected and mature individuals will say you know you have a back story just as i have a back story and so they they emphasize empathy i want to know who you are i want to know what that backstory is i want to know the reasons for why you feel as you do so that i can
07:52
engage with you in a fuller way and they carry that kind of mindset just in a natural way whereas the narcissist is not invested in the rest of humanity the narcissist is invested in me self-absorption and their self-promotion do you know who i am and do you know how you're supposed to do things to make me feel better what are you gonna do for me next and as a result their investment in humanity is only on a transactional basis uh if you can do something for me okay i'm invested if
08:23
not get out of here that's the way they think a sixth way that we differentiate the mature from the narcissist is mature individuals are truly loyal and reliable when a mature person says i'm with you and i'm going to follow through it means i'm with you and i'm going to follow through their word is their bond in close relationships and friendships they're defined by having strong ethics they operate with the old golden rule
08:54
due to others as you would want them to do to you that sense of loyalty and reliability is just built into their character whereas the narcissist is loyal to self it's like i want immediate gratification and if you're somebody that can help me with that okay i'd like to keep you around if not you're just nothing more than somebody that i can use and then toss away their loyalties are very shallow at best and then let's say a seventh way that we can distinguish the mature from the
09:25
narcissist is mature individuals are constantly eager to learn they are willing to adapt they're not static they're constantly in a growth mode i'm in my 60s and i can tell you that the way i think now is not the same as when i was in my 20s and 30s and that's not that i was in a bad place there but as you grow and as you age your understanding of things grows and matures as well and there's a sense it says i like having fuller perspectives
09:57
and the more experiences you have that can turn into a sense of wisdom narcissists are very black and white all or nothing hey look i already know everything i need to know you don't need to tell me anything and sure enough you're not going to tell them much because they have such a tight and strong defense structure and so they don't grow in fact if anything they just regress so with that healthy mature person the narcissistic ingredients are just just don't have a good place in their life that can need to control others that
10:29
self-absorption the entitlement uh the uh the chronic sense of one-upmanship the lack of empathy so i'm hoping that you can be a pensive person and as you observe these individuals who just keep coming at you with maturity i'm hoping you can say i'm on to it i see it for what it is i can do better i want to be a difference maker that narcissist may never join you but at the same time i'm hoping they're going to be enough of us it says but i i understand the difference between
11:00
maturity and narcissism sign me up for team healthy i'm in there all the way and i just want that my knowledge and my wisdom to expand every year that goes by join me on that will you i hope the videos such as this give you some good food for thought and some stimulation in your own personal growth if you've not already done so i would encourage you to hit that subscribe button and join us as more videos come along if you have a need for counseling i know that many of you could use somebody that
11:31
could help you objectify this and and get some good direction on and in terms of how to make this very real in your life i would encourage you to seek someone in your area or if you would prefer we have a sponsor that can take you to a whole team of online counselors uh licensed and professional and experienced and we've had good feedback from that we have a link below that would take you to the online counseling in addition i have my courses this is me which describes how to have boundaries with the controllers in your life and
12:02
then the other one uh free to be which is all about finding yourself despite the controllers in your life and uh and it's a course uh it has many videos and worksheets and uh and questions and all that go along with it and i hope you would find that to be very therapeutic that's something you would like to look into in addition we have my books we have our webinars and we have links below to all of that so just know that i i i appreciate being on the journey with you and i would hope you take advantage of our resources
12:34
all right i'm hoping that you can be one of the ones that says i'm i'm committed to being that healthy individual watch what it looks like and i'm going to take my experiences with that narcissist and rather than stewing in the negatives that it creates i'm going to use it as motivation that says i'm going to be the better alternative i want to be a person of steadiness and i want to be a person of peace that's what i'm going to do and i want to be a giver of the same toward others [Music]

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