Stop Trying to Control Narcissists

Stop Trying to Control Narcissists

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00:00
hello thrivers welcome back if your desire or goal is to break through narcissistic abuse complex ptsd and or codependency you are in the right place today i want to talk about two reasons why people tend to try to control narcissists and more importantly i want to talk about why and how to stop okay so i know that we're used to talking about how the narcissist controls their targets
00:30
right and i'm not minimizing that that takes place because it does however there comes a point where there's a couple of truth pills that we have to swallow and they're not easy to swallow okay the first one the first reason why people tend to try to control the narcissist is because some are along the way they think that they can stop this person's rage or their anger or their unhappiness
01:01
or their irritability if they can just act fine do and be that secret formula if they can just reach that secret formula then the toxic person would be able to be a wonderful person the person they were at love bombing and then life would be wonderful they'd meet together and be you know blissful anyone doing that is not doing that on a conscious level okay because i went through that at one period in my life but i didn't realize that's what i was doing
01:31
the problem with doing that is in order to keep them happy in order to not see their rage in order to not have them be abusive right if you're in that that you're you're trying everything to make them happy what is normally happening happening is that you are sacrificing self in order to do that oh the narcissist gets mad when i talk to my family okay i won't talk to them anymore oh the narcissist gets mad if i'm out with my friends okay delete
02:03
my friends oh the narcissist gets mad when i'm reading a book and i'm enjoying some peaceful times oh okay i will live and do and do and do and do you get the idea right you know in other words if if you are if you are giving up pieces of yourself because you think that's what's going to make that person happy that's a dangerous place to be for you because first of all it's their responsibility to choose who they want to be we can't make a
02:34
person you know be who we want them to be we can't even make them go back to being who we thought they were that's got to be their choice the only person's behavior that we can control is our own and if you're sacrificing self what's going to happen is the narcissist that you think is going to be happier with you actually looks further and further down on you because of what you're doing you're not respecting yourself when you
03:05
are sacrificing self for someone else and they certainly aren't going to respect you if you are not respecting you okay and i'm not saying that if you don't do this the narcissist will respect you i we can't control other people but i am saying that if you stop sacrificing self for them that you will respect you okay the second reason i think people wind up trying to control narcissists is because
03:36
they think if i can just get them to see my value then i will know i'm enough now again this isn't like this conscious clear conscious thought this is all done on a subconscious level and you can really only start seeing it in your life if you're really noticing and being mindful of how you're being and how you're showing up so in other words the way i see this taking place a lot with my face-to-face coaching is i'll speak with a spouse that tells
04:10
me all the things they do you know i do this i do this i do this and he or she never sees it and they never tell me you know that i'm they never notice what i do and they're constantly criticizing me for what i don't do and so in an effort to control the narcissist's perception and i get it because all they're really wanting the narcissist to do is see reality right but in order to do that to get them to do that they are constantly defending themselves or they're constantly doing more and more to the point of
04:41
exhaustion and the narcissist still isn't seeing or acknowledging it what they're doing without realizing it is they're trying to get the narcissist validation that they are enough that they are a good spouse that they are a good parent that they are a good person and if they don't get it they don't feel like they can own that truth well guess what you don't need anyone's permission to secret that the narcissists don't
05:13
want you to know you don't need them you don't need their stamp of approval to know that you're a good parent or a good spouse or a good person the real key isn't to control how the narcissist views you because in other words thinking if they're happy with you then you can be happy with you the real goal should be you start seeing you start seeing your worth your value start fueling your self-esteem from within
05:43
instead of wanting them to see your value so that you can have self-esteem right you got to end that and start fueling self-esteem from where it's supposed to be from which is from self right it's self esteem you have to generate it from within so rather than controlling narcissists in these two ways the best thing to do is start living in your own energy in your own bounds of your personality and seeing yourself and giving yourself the
06:15
validation for who you are and what you do regardless of the narcissist's perspective now i know that that's very easy for me to say and when i first heard that when i was still in situations where i felt like i was in narcissistic relationships when somebody told me that i could do that michelle just stay in your own energy my first thought was yeah right you can say that you have no idea what it's like that's like impossible and there was a time i thought it was
06:45
and so i know i know what it's like to to be in that state i know what it's like to struggle to feel like you can actually leave it and i also know what it's like to be on the other side so trust me if i can do it anyone can do it and if you need help if you're struggling and you just can't seem to get there make sure you check out my new resource it's called the thriver school of transformation it's 79 dollars a month we meet weekly live on zoom and it's a supportive
07:16
community that we're all on that healing journey together it's a lot of awesome things that take place in that school but i'll leave the link down below in my description box so if you are struggling make sure you check it out because it's an amazing resource that might be just what you need to finally be able to break out of these conditioned behaviors so you can live the life that you really want as the person you are instead of
07:42
as the person the trauma turned you into

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