The Day I Almost Died - My Experience with Suicide

The Day I Almost Died - My Experience with Suicide

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Language: English

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00:00
so i don't talk about this very often to many people um but i feel like it's kind of time to share a bit more about this experience in my life because i feel that there is so much room for growth when we're faced with adversity and this was one of the biggest experiences of adversity in my life and so today i'm going to be sharing with you all more a bit about the time that i almost succeeded in taking my own life
00:31
the day i almost died okay so i guess it's important to provide a bit of backstory leading up to that day and so i had been struggling with depression and kind of the deterioration of my mental health since around the time i was in high school um and you know i was kind of struggling with it it was always just kind of this presence in my life until it got quite bad when i moved to ontario to start
01:03
my bachelor of social work degree there in 2013. so i was 22 at the time and it had gotten to the point where i was thinking almost constantly about taking my own life and so i decided that something needed to change something needed to be done and so i reached out for help to counseling services at my university and from there i was connected to a counselor as well as
01:34
he connected me with a doctor who connected me with a psychiatrist and they were all a really wonderful team of really really supportive people um who really fought hard to advocate for me and my health um but you know on paper there wasn't anything that i could point to that would be a reason as to why i was feeling the level of despair that i was feeling
02:06
you know i had i had a long-term boyfriend who i trusted and leaned on a lot for support and who was generally a positive presence in my life i had friends both back home in alberta and friends in ontario i didn't have the strongest relationship with my family and with my parents but you know i found parental figures who really helped support me through these difficult times too in ontario and so you know there wasn't really anything that
02:38
i could point to as being a cause of what i was feeling the level of despair and the level of hopelessness and the level of just extreme sadness that i had been feeling and there was no reason really that made sense as to why i wanted to end my life so badly but i just knew that i was experiencing unbearable amounts of pain
03:09
through this time and when the depression gets really bad i not only experience this pain you know psychologically and emotionally but i feel it in my body as well everything down to my fingertips hurt and it just feels like there is no way out of that other than to end my life and so you know despite having all these supports in my life and despite having this wonderful medical team who was trying to pull me out of this depression things got bad and i decided to
03:41
make an attempt on my life in january of 2013 um and that was the first time that i had ever done something like that and i won't get too much into that one because it i want to talk about the second time that i attempted but you know i it was a really hard thing to go through you know waking up after having seizures in the hospital from the medications that i had taken in an attempt to overdose was really really hard because you know i
04:12
had wanted to escape this pain and i woke up and the pain was still there and nothing really had changed but now i had this overwhelming shame of what i had just done and so the next year was really kind of grappling with that and trying to figure out how to manage life with these feelings and these thoughts and this overwhelming despair and so that year was a really big struggle and
04:43
a year after that attempt february 2014 i decided that it was time again to try to take my own life and this time i was a little smarter about it because i had tried and failed a year before and so i knew a bit better what needed to happen in order to be successful i know that's not a term that i should use with with suicide because
05:13
it's not a success if you die by suicide but you know that was my mentality i wanted to succeed in ending my life and so i i was smarter about doing my research in terms of what medications i needed to save up in order to take them all at one time to effectively kill myself and i you know i hope i really really hope that if you're watching this you can't relate
05:47
to the level of pain that i was experiencing when i made that decision and so if you can relate i'm so sorry and i'm sending you a really big hug and you know hope that it will get better but if you can't relate it was just such an overwhelming feeling of you know what is the point hopelessness despair just despondency at the mundaneness and the burden of having
06:23
to live and so when i made the decision that i was going to end my life we're going to try to end my life again it was almost like a relief came over me because i was like okay it'll be over soon you don't have to suffer through this much longer and so i for about a week i was in that kind of state where i was feeling like okay there is an end in sight we will get through this i guess i will
06:58
get through this and then have an out and so i think that my my counselor kind of picked up on that a little bit he knew that i was fairly chronically suicidal and so to notice this shift was probably worrisome for him and i think i missed an appointment i don't know either the morning before or the morning that i was going to take them over the morning that i was going to overdose and so he got really worried and he decided to
07:29
just make the decision to call the police the local police to do a wellness check on me and i didn't know this so that morning i i took the medication um and i was you know feeling okay about that decision i was feeling still feeling that bit of relief and then about a half hour 40 minutes after taking the medication there was a knock at my door and i ignored it because i didn't know
08:07
who it was and i had other things going on and so it kept they kept knocking and then they started calling my name so i was like oh great okay i need to go see who this is and send them away so i went downstairs and opened the door and it was a police officer and you know by this time i thought that i could just tell him oh you know i'm fine you can go but i was kind of like obviously drugged
08:39
at that point and he noticed and so he was explaining that my counselor had contacted them because he was worried about my well-being and he wanted them to come and make sure that i was doing okay and so i tried to be like yeah i'm doing fine but he could clearly see that i was not fine and that's something i had taken something and so he questioned me further and i ended up admitting that i had just taken a lot of medications that i shouldn't
09:11
have and so he said you know he was actually really quite great about it he was supportive and gentle and kind and so i really appreciate that that was the kind of police officer who showed up in this situation and so he said he was going to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital and so at that point i was kind of losing consciousness and so i was just like whatever sure whatever and he kind of picked up on this fact that i
09:45
was i was not able to wait the time it would take for a ambulance to get there and so he made the quick decision to tell me to just get in his his police car and he would drive me to the hospital because i was quickly quickly losing consciousness and i think i think i lost consciousness before even getting to the hospital um so i don't remember a lot about what happened
10:15
my next brief memory is of coming to a little bit in the emergency room and not really being sure about what was going on and there was nurses questioning me about what i had taken and then i kind of slipped back away and after that my next memory is a few days later um when i woke up in the icu i woke up and you know my first thought was wow my throat really hurts because i had been intubated
10:47
and wow i'm connected to a lot of machinery because i had been on in a medically induced coma on life support and then the next thought was just [ __ ] it didn't work again and that was probably like the hardest point of that whole experience because i had to continue facing all of the pain
11:31
that i had been experiencing up to that point that i had told myself and thought that i could get through or get away from by ending my life sorry and so when i woke up and realized what had happened realized where i was realized the severity of what had just happened and saw my boyfriend sitting by my bed looking just wrecked and
12:05
you know having having to come to terms with that was really hard because like i talked about with the first one you know there was shame around having resorted to taking my own life because that felt that felt weak and you know that's something that people don't talk about very much so there was a lot of shame wrapped up in that and so to have tried and failed for a second time felt even more shameful and felt even even worse this was this was a moment in a really long a
12:39
long struggle with my mental health and with suicide and depression and you know trying to figure out all of that stuff but i think the most important day of this story happened four years later i i had moved back to alberta by that point i had been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder i had ended my relationship with my boyfriend of seven and a half years
13:09
i was working a job that i didn't really love you know i felt like i could be contributing more to the world than what i was contributing there but i was sitting at work one day and all of a sudden was just you know flooded with the realization that i was really happy i was alive and i think i was mad at my counselor for a long time for intervening
13:51
because i would have i would have been dead if he hadn't have intervened and if he hadn't have sent the police to do a wellness check i would no doubt have died and so you know i resented that fact a little bit for a long time but that day four years later when i was sitting at work i i don't know what clicked but something just clicked and i was grateful i was grateful that he had taken that step to intervene to give me the chance
14:24
to keep on living and so you know i think that's really what i want to convey through this video is that if you can relate to these the the state that i was in or that i was i shared through this video if you can relate first of all i'm so sorry it's not easy i know that i have been there i know that it's very hard
14:54
but i want to share that it's not always going to be that way and you know i really despise those it gets better campaigns you know where you know people who have overcome depression and overcome those things are kind of taking a preachy stance to people who are in the midst of it by being like oh it gets better just hang in there because you know there's no end point to dealing with mental health and to dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts and
15:31
stuff you know i think it's always going to be this ebb and flow journey and i particularly wanted to talk about this right now because i currently am in the midst of a kind of dark down point in terms of my mental health and so while i can't promise you that these dark points are not going to happen anymore i can let you know that it is possible
16:02
to to look at them and feel about them differently because you know it was not an easy road there was a lot of work around self-acceptance that needed to take place there was a lot of work around understanding myself better understanding life better and there was also a lot of medication involved and work with medical teams to you know balance out my brain chemistry and that kind of thing but i am at a point now where i
16:34
can be okay within that dark point you know i i am currently having suicidal thoughts but i have the mindset now where i don't i don't just immediately think that that is the only option and then that is what i need to do i can understand now that this is not the way it's always going to be for me i have experienced tremendous amounts of joy love and happiness and i know that that is within my capacity as well as these
17:06
dark points and so you know i owe it to myself to push through these dark points to get to those periods of joy and happiness and love too because they are worth it you know i am worth it i am still me even when i'm in these dark periods and i still deserve to experience life and so i'm not going to promise you that it gets better because you know sometimes for some people maybe it doesn't but i am going to promise you that there
17:39
is the chance of of thinking about these dark experiences in a different way and in a way that offers yourself more compassion and that you know gives yourself the understanding that you deserve a shot at living a full life and so you know these periods of darkness and these periods of having suicidal thoughts are just kind of part of my life course and i've come to
18:12
a point where i can accept that and i've come to a point where i i have the understanding that i can work through those dark periods and so if you were in a dark period hang in there and keep doing the work it's really hard and you know i can't give you a timeline as to when when it's going to click but it clicked for me and i hope very hard that it can click
18:46
for you too okay so you know i just want to wrap up this video by saying that if you are in distress or if you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or thoughts of harming yourself in any way or if you just need a little extra support to get through a difficult time please please reach out for support if you are experiencing thoughts of suicide go to your nearest emergency room they will be able to keep you safe there if not help you through it they will at least be able to keep you safe until you are in a better place reach out to your doctor your therapist
19:21
if you have one call a crisis support line in your area there are a lot of ways that you can help keep yourself safe through those difficult times the people who offered support to me in my life were not able to fix my mental health problems or to fix the despair that i was going through but they were instrumental in keeping me alive in order to get to a place where i could make that shift and i could heal
19:52
myself and so there is no shame in reaching out for help talk to friends talk to family talk to trusted people in your life mentors whatever whoever you feel comfortable reaching out to reach out to them reach out to medical professionals reach out to hospital staff just keep yourself safe and give yourself the best chance you can to find that moment of
20:19
when things click for you you

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