8 Reasons Narcissists Cannot Accept You As You Are

8 Reasons Narcissists Cannot Accept You As You Are

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00:00
we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial
00:35
let's begin our talk today with a simple factoid and that is each person is unique that doesn't take a genius to figure that out does it every one of us has our own unique combinations of strengths and weaknesses skills interests beliefs personal history family systems that we draw from friendships social stimulations interpretations emotional reactions we all have this conglomeration of many
01:08
many different experiences that goes into the making of you being your own unique you no one's gonna exactly duplicate who you are how about that that's a really positive thing now this sets up a fixed reality and that is accepting each other as we are is essential if relationships are going to have any kind of success you know the bottom line is we can't force one another into a complete mold
01:37
each person is a mold under themselves and so accepting each other with our many unique kinds of characteristics is just going to be a part of healthy relations now i want you to think how common or how skilled might a narcissist be in showing acceptance toward you just for what you are now interestingly if you were to ask these individuals just in a theoretical basis are you a really accepting person most
02:09
of them would probably say oh yeah yeah i accept folks for just what they are just look at my track record that's just what i do and yet uh when it comes down to the real deep personal connections with them basically you find that that's not in fact true at all in reality narcissists have this notion that says i require you to fit my mold and if you stray too far from my mold there's going to be a price to
02:39
pay and so you eventually learn that if you air or differ too much you'll be judged or if you are too out of their box you'll be shunned if you have opinions that are not the same as theirs there's going to be arguments that can go on and on stubbornness kicks in uh as you have interpretations that are not the same then there's going to be an invalidation that you received and then in the end
03:09
these individuals are going to be very defensive with you as you say but this is just me this is who i am and the bottom line is they simply cannot accept you for what they are no matter what they might say to the contrary now i i've pinpointed eight different reasons that narcissists have great difficulty accepting you or me just for what we are and let's see if we can go through these and see if these uh resonate in your world now first and foremost number one reason
03:39
is let's keep in mind narcissists are not seeking a relationship with you when we say that for relationships to be successful we have to have uh we have to have acceptance let's keep in mind narcissists don't want to relate they're in a competition with you and it's important for you to recognize that narcissists as they engage with others eventually think in terms of when versus lose high versus low uh the the one who gets to call the shots versus the
04:11
uh the one who's not and so for them to show acceptance of you implies that they honestly want to be in relationship but they don't understand the basics of what a relationship is reason number two is narcissists are deeply invested in black and white thinking uh if if they have to accept you for what you are they're gonna have to learn how to think in gray and the gray is just not something that they like uh
04:42
in fact uh they think in their black and white thinking one of us is right one of us is not right and guess who's correct and so they have this childlike sense that says well uh whenever i say something that just has to be my way and if you don't agree with me i'm going to pick up my marbles and go somewhere else their black and white thinking sets them uh them up to be illogical with you they can't accept the fact that perhaps there are different ways to look at various kinds of scenarios a third reason narcissists cannot accept
05:12
you and that is blame and accusation is first nature to these people and so if there's a difference or if you have any kind of of uh the notion that says i'm i'm just not on the same page as you then their natural inclination is saying so what's wrong with you who told you this and you know let me let me explain to you why this makes you a bad person and they go into the accusing blaming kind of mode has that ever happened as you engage with the narcissist in your life
05:42
a fourth reason that these narcissists cannot accept you for what you are and that is to be an accepting person requires an investment of curiosity have you ever thought about it that way and it's not like i'm willing to see what's different about you i actually am eager to know what's different about you i'm curious about you who are you and what are you what is your backstory and how did you arrive at the conclusions you have and they honestly want to know and they're not listening for the reason
06:13
uh then coming back and explaining to you in that blaming and accusing way why you're wrong they're honestly curious narcissists can't be that way they just they don't think like that a fifth reason that they cannot accept you for what you are is if they show acceptance it would send in their mind the wrong message of equality and so if i say well i'll accept you for what you are the implication is you know you and i we're different but we're equal at the same time
06:45
and in their mind you're not equal to them they're better than you and they don't want you to think that there's validity to different kinds of perspectives uh again we go back to life is a competition to them and they don't want you to know or think in any way that you're there equal a sixth reason they can't accept you acceptance requires a certain amount of flexibility now uh narcissist by definition must be in control and and so flexibility is a very
07:16
non-controlled style of thinking and engaging and so in their control they operate with this rigid agenda here's how things have to be and it just naturally sets up conditional if we want to call it acceptance but a highly conditional structure in the way that you engage with them a seventh reason they can't accept you is they've got to be superior and that means that you're going to be in the inferior position and so rather than thinking well you know we all have our highs and lows
07:47
you have yours i have mine it's like i'm better than you and you should accept me for what i am because look at how good i am but you're just a a poor idiot you don't know what you're doing you don't know what you're talking about you don't look at life the right kind of way they have to maintain their superiority because it's their compensation for so much of the the turmoil that's churning on the inside of them that they've not come to terms with and then an eighth reason they can't accept you and that is they have no conception of authenticity
08:20
you see in order to have acceptance what it means is each person in the relationship would come out and say here's who i am um lumps bumps bruises and all plus is minus i want you to see my genuine me narcissist is like what's that all about i can't do that i don't want to do that they're not authentic and their lack of authenticity inhibits them from uh appreciating the fact that you would be your authentic self now when you're engaging with these kinds of people
08:50
it's going to have obviously an impact on you over time no matter how strong you are from the inside out it it wears you down it can wear down your sense of confidence and your self-esteem then sometimes you can become unnecessarily defensive as you begin looking at these people saying what's the deal with you anyway why you have to treat me this way and then you can respond with anger and then you know what they're gonna think see this is why i can't accept you for what you are you're just a train wreck and so you can't really allow that to
09:21
happen now i want to ask you a question and this it's it's kind of you the answer to the question is going to be a sad one do you really need to be accepted by the narcissist and you know the answer i don't have to let's understand that when you're engaging with these people they want you to be their enabler they want you to be a flunky they want you to be a tool to be used they want you as their
09:50
supply they want you to be a flying monkey they want you to be a yes person they want you to be beholden to them they want you to be glad to be in their club they want you to feel indebted they want you to be dependent they want you to be deferential they want you to be weak they want you to be in doubt they like it when you are subordinate and then uh when you look at it from that angle
10:21
i'm hoping that you can can can conclude uh you know actually uh it's okay for me to be me because i don't want to be all that they're wanting me to be the narcissist is thinking the only acceptable person in the room is me when you know that and you're just going to be unacceptable from the very beginning so understand what you're dealing with recognize that these people are not predisposed to show acceptance and rather than thinking well i've got to make it happen well
10:52
no you don't i'm hoping that you can have an acceptance of who you are and there can be a sense that says well i do give me permission to be my unique combination of all those different things that i mentioned earlier and then when the narcissist comes along and says well that's not good enough then my response to that is going to be you may have any interpretation of me that you wish you can think of me in any way you want but the fact is i still accept myself and and i don't require you to have to go along with me
11:22
in order for that to become my truth i hope you can think that way now i do hope that you get good insight from videos such as this if you've not already done so i would encourage you to go beneath and hit that subscribe button we'll keep more videos coming your way it could be that you could use some counseling as you're trying to sift out how to deal with these kind of individuals and all through my career obviously people have been referred to me and i refer many people out to other individuals and if there is uh the need for counseling i would encourage you to
11:53
take you or get make use of that if you don't have somebody in your near area then we've vetted a group that can provide uh online counseling and right now that's a very popular uh way to go and so there's a link below here that you could get online counseling if that's something that you would find useful in addition we have links to our library that has my books we have video workshops and uh and coffee mugs and things of that nature oh we also have our uh our websites surviving narcissism tv dr les
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carter.com narcissists don't understand the concept of acceptance i'm hoping that's something that you can can hone in on and you can have an acceptance of who you are and if they come along and say that doesn't work for me it's right okay okay in the meantime i'm going to move forward my sense of dignity intact my self-respect intact and i'm hoping that you despite their proclamations
12:53
can be a person of peace

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