Subtitles prepared by human
Woah! - Oh my god. - Jesus Christ. I gotta go pick up Benicio. So how excited are you to see your little baby? So excited. Oh, I need to tell you about my night last night. Ooh, tell me all about it. So I'm hanging out at my apartment, I've got some candles lit. I'm feeling good. I've had 8 glasses of wine. Gotcha. And down in the street I hear these two beautiful boys playing. They're skateboarding, they're doing flips or something. And one of them looks up at me and has the most beautiful face I've ever seen. Asian. Beautiful. And you know how I like a little Asian. You remember my date with Len? Very well. The point is, I say "Woo hoo boys," and they sort of look. The one who isn't Asian Is black. Th-this- Y-You don't have to-- This could be a colorblind story I wanna fill it with color. Yeah, but I'm just saying it's like there's a race problem in Hollywood right now. And in America. A racISM problem. I agree. Well this story isn't racist; It's diverse. If everyone in it was white, then it would be racist, Caleb Gallo. You know what? You're right. Go ahead. So, the boys come up to my apartment and I'm wearing a robe.
I am ONLY wearing a robe. And I say, "why don't you come in my boudoir and watch me do a monologue?" And they say, "Where's the bed?" and I say, "This is the bed, right here." And they say, "Can we sit on the bed?" and I say, "Sure, but these are expensive Japanese linen." And they say, "But they're not even soft." and I say, "Sometimes things that are expensive... are worse." Wow. So anyway I sucked both their dicks. Did you do the monolouge? I did an earlier work from the master. Cameron Diaz Talk to me. Caleb's not answering his phone and I need to run this audition. Oh, what's it for? Star Boars. OH MY GOD, Star Wars? No, Star BOARS. Like Boar's Head deli meats. [On it.] Can I come coach with you, please? Oh, you want Karen to help you out on your little audition? Where are you? I need to get off book for this.This opprotunity is huge. Okay, you don't have to tell me how big of an opportunity Star Boars is. What the fuck is that? Where are you? I'll come over. I'm at Caleb's apartment and Billy's here. We can coach you together. But I have a boner. I'm on my way. I don't know, Tessa. I just did. This thing was from outer space, okay? So...
I shot it, you see. I had to shoot it because it was- yes, it was something like a boar. It was a foreign object. But it was too foreign for me to trust. Back on Earth... God, God I miss Earth Why has thou forsaken us, God? We were in these trenches. The stars are for you. Why can't you take us home? That's great writing. I just don't know if I'm believable as this guy. You know, like, my agents came in for all this shit and I'm like, "Am I really a Jedi?" Are they using that term in this movie? Isn't that copyrighted? It doesn't matter! All right? I don't know what the deal is. All I know is that... Unless I can buy myself as this guy, how am I supposed to go into that room and sell myself as this guy? This is like a forty million dollar budget movie. What? Is it like an anonymous producer? Or...? No, this is a big studio movie. What is Hollywood thinking? I gotta get an audition for this. What can I do to make this more believable? I need to gutturally find it Any ideas? Oh, have you ever met Caleb's sister? Hi! [I'm in LA!] You're in the parking structure right? [Yeah, where are you?] Where are you? We're literally standing here. We--
[Music: It felt like springtime, on this February morning in a courtyard. Birds were singing your praise.] [Music: I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel alright. I carried them with me today.] So what are we doing today? First we gotta go back to my place because I need a drink. And then we're gonna go to the hot tubs with those guys from last night. What are the hot tub? Oh- hot springs. I said hot springs. You said hot tubs. Whatever. You can just put your stuff wherever. Ah ok. I'm staying at Caleb's though, right? Whatever. Yes! I'm gonna take a wet shower. Okay. I'm gonna leave my stuff here until after the springs then. Freckle, what is this bowl of condoms? Ahhh, ha ha ha ha! Come in, come in, come in! I knew you were coming. How did I know you were coming? How did I know you were coming you were coming? I mean you were coming- how did I know you were coming? I called you. That's how I knew you were coming. So you're, uh, Caleb's sister? Don't be racist. Yeah, Len, have you ever heard of adoption?
Yeah, Len, have you ever heard of adoption? You are so incredibly beautiful. Thank you. You're Caleb's adopted sister? We're both adopted. They're both adopted, yeah. How did I not know that? I imagine nobody told you, and that's okay. - Okay. - So what's this role we're working on? Are you an actor or an acting coach? I'm a Shaman. She's a Shaman! She's a high preistess. But some people just think of me as a baby. Caleb's little baby, but sometimes Caleb forgets about his baby for weeks and weeks on end. I'm sorry to hear that. Do the monologue. What, now? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh- I don't know Tessa. I just did- Distinguish from outer space okay, so I had to shoot it you see and yes, it was something like what what? - WOAH - Feel the words from your taint Because it was a foreign object, y'SEE. It was something- Do you feel yourself? I- da- WHAT? [louder] Do you feel yourself? I-I-I-I don't know what you MEAN- OH my god. This is gonna be a lot of work. Why are your tits out? Why aren't yours?
How did you put a cloth directly on your wet skin? I'm an alien. Oh my God that's so much lotion. With the amount I drink, I have to put the hydration back on. Let's go to the hot springs. You should have taken an Uber. It's a two and a half hour drive. I have the money. Wait, so where's those boys we said we're going to meet? Relax It's all in the timing. - Hey, baby. - Hey, boys. - That's Caleb. - Caleb, nice to meet you. - Hey, I'm Johnny. - Hi... Caleb. Nice to meet you. - You guys ready to get sexual? - What? It's not THAT sexual, but people down there do get naked so you can if you want to. Tits to the wind! - It was something like a boar, but- - COME ON. - It was too foreign to trust- - Keep going! - And, I - Why can't- - COME ON! What was it? WHAT WAS IT? too foreign for ME TO TRUST! IT WAS TOO FOREIGN FOR ME TO TRUST! BACK ON EARTH, GOD- WHY HAS THOU FORSAKEN US? [gasp] WE ARE IN THESE TRENCHES-
- We in these trenches. - Yeees. Why can't you take us hooome?! Why can't you take us home? - Yes, yeah. - Why can't you take us home? [sigh] Yes, yes. Keep going. Yees, yes. Feels good. - Who's this? - Andy. - Hi. - Hey. This is Benicio. And I'm Caleb. Hi, nice to meet you. - Freckle is a masterpiece. - You're a masterpiece. Careful. They're dating. - ...Sorry. - It's fine. I should have said that before; This is my BOYFRIEND, Benicio. - Well, most gay couples are open, so- - Wow, that's bold! I hate this. I'm bored. Okay, well you can go, Freckle. I'm gonna grab a drink. So are you implying we should be open? Well, it's just a fact that most gay couples I know are open so- - Well, we're not. - And you guys are really sexy. So... you wanna have sex with us? I wouldn't say no. I... I'm attracted to you I'll be right back. Well, he seems high strung.
- Wh- what? - He seems high strung. Hey- Hey, hey. You're not mad... are you? Like that's fine right? To say that I'm attracted to somebody? No, Caleb, I'm not mad, I'm just not interested in you make me this jealous boyfriend just because you can't be honest about what you want. I saw the way you look at that guy, and that's fine- you can have a free life where you can fuck whoever you want to fuck but then, don't come to me and tell me that you just want to be with me. 'Cause I see right through that. I- I'm not interested in this- I want to go home. I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin your day I just don't want to be here. I wanna go home. I'm going to call an Uber, I'm sorry. Well, I'll take you home, it's fine. We don't- [No- no no-] I don't want to go home with you! ... Wha-? Hey, buddy, you need a ride back to LA? Yeah, that would be great. I am not a fucking asshole! He can't even come visit his sister. I have this big house, and I lived with him 'til I was 16 and he can't even stop by to say hello? How did you get this house? Money! Money. I made a lot of money when I was acting and then I got caught stealing a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald's
and the video went viral. And then nobody wanted to cast me and in the process. I became a Shaman. You like Filet-O-Fish? I was a pescatarian at the time. How do you steal from McDonald's? You have to climb over the counter. I don't know, Tessa. - I just did- - I just want to see my brother again. And I just don't want him to think that I'm crazy. No one thinks you're crazy. -to trust; Too forigne... too forigne- Maybe you guys could invite him over? Like, tonight? While you're all here? Do yo- I think- Do you think he would like that? I think that would be a nice. I think I'm drunk! Woah! Karren! Everybody in the club gettin' TIP-SAY! [laughs] I told you he's a real bitch. Do we make out? Ehh, I don't think that's what you really want, lil' buddy. Yeah- Yeah, I know. Good night! [gasp] Oh my God, I just remember I had these balloons delivered to your house for Benicio. ... Yikes. And so my man broke up with me, and it's like... how can you even break up with someone when you're in a polyamorous relationship? It seems possible to me. What- what do they put in alcohol that makes it make me do this?
What is that? Like, if I-, I will die if I drink more of that. You know? I gotta call my mom. I'm not making out with you when you're this drunk. - Yeah, you will. - Are you telling me to? Not right now. Standby. - Standing down. - I said standby. Is it stand down? - Ohh, I'm not going to get that part. - Don't say that! Don't say that. It's good- It's good to get that out. It's good to admit that. H-hey, Tatiana. You wanna go fuck in the bedroom? YES! Yes, yes, yes. I literally feel like I'm in a Valentine's day movie. You got those balloons, huh? ... Thank you. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what we're doing, but I think I kinda wanna do it with you. Yeah, me too. You just can't fuck other people. [chuckles] Okay. I mean, unless I can fuck other people? [laughs] I mean, yeah, whatever- Whatever you want. You can fuck other people... or not.
We can... we can figure this out. Where are you? I'm just- I was driving over to Tatiana's house. They're having a shirtless dance party. Want me to come scoop you? Yeah. Yeah, I just like. Bought the most amazing pink dress. So I can bring that. Oooooh. I can't believe you got me those balloons. - these things from outer space, okay? So I had to shoot it! Y'see? Because it was something LIKE a boar! It was a foreign object! It was too foreign for me to trust! Oh lord, back on Earth! Oh God, how I miss Earth! Why has thou forsaken, Lord? We are in these trenches! Are the stars for you? Why can't you take us home?! Yooou're a fucking STAR!
Watch, read, educate! © 2021