4 Reasons Your STILL Reacting Vs. Responding (And How to STOP)

4 Reasons Your STILL Reacting Vs. Responding (And How to STOP)

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are you still reacting instead of responding okay what i mean by that question is have you learned about how narcissists love to push your buttons how they love to provoke you to feel feelings like sadness anger frustration resentment they love to get you to feel those feelings basically so that they feel better inside right because they regulate themselves through provoking you and so you've learned this right you understand it logically on a cognitive level and yet
00:32
when the moment happens that that person is trying to provoke you logically you don't want to react but your body is not on the same page and you find yourself reacting again and again only to regret it later because when you're reacting you are acting from your trauma response and your trauma response has more to do with the past you when you were wounded than who you are today and so it's never your most empowered self not only do you wind up
01:03
doing and saying things that are out of harmony with who you really are but on top of it the narcissist or toxic person in your life winds up using that against you to try to prove that you are the problem and not them if this sounds familiar then you're going to want to watch this video because i want to help you to understand why you might still be reacting even though you logically know that you don't want to and the why is so important because the ability to
01:34
be able to respond instead of react is not just an external action it's not just something you externally do like repress what's going on inside and externally don't respond no the right way to be able to respond instead of react has more to do with what's going on within you what's going on beneath the surface that allows you to respond externally and not to react okay so with that in mind let's get
02:06
started for those that don't know me my name is michelle i'm a life and relationship coach i'm also the founder of the thriver school of transformation which is a monthly membership where we meet together live weekly and we work through all of this together so remember if you need that weekly support then make sure you check out the link in the description box below you might still be reacting instead of responding because narcissists know what your core wounds are this is the sad part they are extremely perceptive
02:37
they know what your core wounds are therefore they know exactly what buttons to push what words to use to touch that core wound and when i say core wound a core wound isn't necessarily what happened to you in the past as much as it is the limiting belief that you formed about you and that is still alive and active within so let me give you an example let's say in childhood you were made to feel like a bad person like everything you
03:08
did was bad the narcissist knows exactly what to do and say to touch that wound and make you think that they view you as a bad person that others view you as a bad person because they will often include everyone in their perception right i see you and everybody knows who you are phrases like that and it touches that core wound if that wound is not healed so what happens is when that wound gets touched
03:39
you react in pain okay from the pain of it being touched very much like a physical wound that is unhealed if i have a wound on my arm and you come close to me to touch it i consider myself a kind person but trust me if you touch my open wound i'm gonna swat you i'm gonna hit you i'm gonna attack why because my survival mode is going to kick on and it's going to do everything in its power to keep me away from pain and logical thinking at that moment that that's kind of shut off it's just
04:11
your survival mode that kicks on and causes that reaction it's the same thing with our emotional wounds if somebody is touching them the closer somebody gets to a core wound that is unhealed the more our nervous system starts reacting and sending out an alarm that there's pain imminent and it's going to cause your your survival instincts to react so if that's the case okay if that's the case i want you to take some time to look at your life recently
04:42
with the person that is causing these reactions in you kind of remember the last few times that you were triggered right and that you were reacting instead of responding write down what triggered you what they did that triggered you in the moment but remember it's really less about what happened in the moment and more about the unhealed past wound so once you know what they did at that moment then you have to ask yourself what core wound might this be touching so for example
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we know that narcissists love to divide and conquer right so let's say you view yourself there's a wound still there from childhood that that you're bad or you're not good enough right well we know that narcissists divide and conquer so they might divide you from very close friends even family members and then use that to touch your wound by saying things like even so and so told me that they think you're this that and the other thing and so now not only are you hearing their negative judgment
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but they're making it sound like others are judging you the same way that's gonna hurt if that wound isn't healed it is like poking your finger in a bullet wound that's going to hurt and you're going to react so once you know what they said that caused you to react you have to ask yourself what core wound might that have been touching while it's touching on the belief that i'm bad that i'm not enough that i'm judged negatively okay write that down so now you're bringing into your conscious awareness
06:17
the things that your nervous system is kicking on without your conscious awareness okay so we want to bring our conscious mind on board then we have to process that you know and we have to work through that belief and we have to heal it the key to not reacting to narcissists is not about your external as much as it is about healing those core wounds because when that core wound is healed the narcissist can do and say anything and you're human so some things are
06:48
going to bother you of course right we're not going to be numb and robots but there's a very big difference from being bothered and hurt in the present as the adult we are as opposed to feeling the pain from the past from the child that we were when that original core wound was administered there's a big difference we can handle the pain that they try to inflict from our adult self we can't from our child self okay so if you're still reacting you're
07:19
going to want to do some inner work on healing your core wounds the second reason you might still be reacting is because there may still be a piece of you that still thinks that you need them to see the truth in order for you to hold on to your truth so let me explain that for a second when you live around narcissists right there's only one perspective ever and that's their perspective they treat you as if you have to have their perspective
07:51
all the time and they invalidate your perspective they minimize your perceptions they minimize your feelings and the only thing that matters is how they see the world well if you grew up around that or you lived with that for a very long time you can kind of start adopting that or you've internalized that without realizing it and that comes up at the moments when you want to hold on to your perception but you're trying to convince them you're trying to convince them as if you need them to believe you
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so for example let's go back to that same core belief right let's go back to this belief that i'm bad i'm unworthy right i'm not enough people look down on me people judge me negatively okay i might try to convince the narcissist no i'm a good person because so-and-so said this about me and i'm a good person because of that and i'm a good person because of this and the more we're trying to convince them the more they're touching on the wound until eventually you will react
08:54
so the step before reacting right what what causes you to slip into reacting is if you try to convince them that your perspective is truth at some point here's perspectives right here's a narcissist here's you this is how they view you guys you're an extension of them and you have to have the same perspective as them you have to start allowing them to have their perspective which might be negative which might be ugly they may view you in a bad way you can't control their perspective but
09:26
you can control yours and when you hold on to your perspective so the step before not reacting is not trying to convince them of your perspective you don't need their stamp of approval in order for you to hold on to your perspective in fact trying to get their stamp of approval is going to lead you to reacting and it's going to lead them to use your behavior to spin it as if you are the problem for example let's say somebody that's kind of not
10:01
all there mentally okay they're just not maybe they're on drugs me i don't know they're just not all there and every time i pass this person on the street they accuse me of having two heads and they're like michelle oh my god like you have two heads you are like the only person in the world that has two heads and everyone knows that you have two heads and that's horrible i feel bad for you you know you have two heads it's just such a shame that you are who you are right and they're saying all these things and they're confirming they're compounding their lies and the whole world sees me that way i have
10:31
two ways of handling that i could be like okay thanks for sharing your perspective or i could be like no i only have one head and then i could open up my camera and show them all these pictures of me and then i could be asking people on the street do i have one head can can you tell them can you tell this person i have one head look look see they see that and blah blah blah blah blah who's gonna look like the crazy one okay that's what happens when you are trying to prove yourself to the narcissist
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you look like the person that isn't all there that behavior is used against you and then you go down that slippery slope and you wind up reacting so avoiding that starts at not even getting sucked into trying to prove your perspective you know you if you find yourself over explaining over defending yourself then take some time to develop and strengthen your self-trust your ability to hold on to your perspective using your inner dialogue
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and practice letting go of their perspective letting go of how they see you that's their choice okay you can't force them to see you as you really are it would be nice if they did that but you can't force it and the last reason you might still be reacting instead of responding is because there's still a tiny bit of denial as to what kind of person you're dealing with okay and i know right now you might be like no michelle i know he or she is a narcissist i know
12:07
this person is toxic i get that i truly believe you know that however there might be a tiny piece of you that still thinks or hopes that if you handle things in a healthy way that you will get a healthy response back from this person so for example you start handling things in a healthy way you start letting go of trying to control their perspective right even though it hurts that they view you a certain way you start recognizing that that's out of your
12:38
control but you still do things or say things hoping hoping that maybe you can get through hoping that maybe they will respond in a healthy way and that's another slippery slope that leads to reacting here's the thing that gets tricky is they play they love to play hot and cold and they love to take you by surprise think of somebody that's in a boxing rink right if the if that person gets punched well it's going to hurt but
13:09
they're expecting it if you're walking down the street and somebody sucker punches you that's going to hurt even more because you weren't prepared for it so sometimes a narcissist will look as if you're getting through to them for a little while and you start to trust it when that happens and then the next time you act in a healthy way and all of a sudden they react in a toxic way and it takes you by surprise it's like having that rug yanked from underneath you it hits your core wounds
13:40
it cranks on your nervous system and you react once again so at some point we have to start realizing that they are who they are right and if you wonder if you're in denial okay here's a here's a great way for you to be able to tell if you're in if you're still battling a tiny bit of denial that came out weird tiny bit of denial so um ask yourself ask yourself when they do something that's in harmony with who
14:11
they are when they act like a toxic person when they when they project when they insult when they minimize when they do the double bind when they do what they do does it throw you off emotionally do you start feeling disregulated emotionally again or do you feel like you're in disbelief like i can't believe he or she said that are you in shock when they do what they do if you answered yes to that there's a
14:42
tiny bit of denial because when you really know who they are and they do what they do you're like oh they're so and so being so and so very much like let's say i just started talking spanish right now fluent spanish at first you guys might be like whoa what's michelle doing i didn't know she was puerto rican i didn't know she spoke spanish and at first it'd be like oh interesting like you're you're surprised but now that you know next time you see me talking spanish you're like oh yeah she's puerto rican that's who she is we kind of have to get
15:15
like that with the narcissist every time they do something that is narcissistic instead of taking it personal instead of internalizing it we have to be like oh there's the narcissist being the narcissist and when we do that there's a division between their energy and your energy and you're able to stay you and it helps you to not react and the last reason that i want to mention as to why you might still be reacting instead of responding really has to do with the fact that sometimes it's because your nervous
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system learned how to give you certain emotions fast and it's just a habit your nervous system thinks it's helping you when it's causing you to react in those ways especially if you've been doing it for a long time so part of being able to not react has to do with helping your nervous system and with that in mind on the 31st of july i have a live workshop all about rebalancing after narcissistic abuse and it has to do with the nervous system as well
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so you may want to check that out so those are tips that will help you to deepen your ability to continue living as you and not being pushed outside of the boundaries of who you are simply because it suits someone else okay and i hope you realize that a lot of these tips really have to do with what's going on inside of you it's not just an external action that we're trying to um master it's really the internal that we want to master and if you're struggling and you can use
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weekly support i definitely encourage you to check out the thriver school of transformation we are an international group of people that are on this journey encouraging each other each step of the way

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