The difficult path out of a narcissistic relationship

The difficult path out of a narcissistic relationship

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00:06
hi everyone it's dr romney and welcome back to this youtube channel on all things narcissism related it's my hope that what you hear and see on this channel will help you understand the landscape of these really difficult people situations and relationships and armed with this understanding you're better able to get out there navigate it and stop blaming yourselves for it so i want to take on sort of an interesting question that comes up but really it's an issue which is here's the bottom
00:36
line there is no easy way to leave a narcissistic relationship i'm going to put this pretty simply if you're the one who wants out you're leaving this relationship is going to go badly and that right there is the challenge if you were to take this everything i've ever said on this youtube channel and boil it down to some fundamental truths it really comes down to the idea that this personality style is not good
01:07
for other people frankly it's not really good for the people who have this personality style either it's a style that doesn't change there are lots of red flags and other people enable it and there's zero incentive for them to change and it will always end badly so let's talk about when it's you who wants out of a narcissistic relationship because there is no easy pathway out if you want out and the narcissistic
01:38
person really doesn't then you are in for the most epic psychological battle of your lifetime and you will be left battle scarred and upside down this is a very important video because i know a lot of you are wondering what happens if i leave so much of the struggle around this comes from the key error that any of us who have ever been in a narcissistic relationship
02:09
has ever made early in their relationship all of us saw our red flags and we all said well let's just take a wait and see huh i don't want to be that judgy that wait and see is costly in general the earlier you get out the less damaging a narcissistic relationship will be and maybe a better way to put it is the less entangled you are the less damaging it will be so what constitutes entanglement
02:40
things like children money a shared residence shared friends connections to your respective families shared work shared business it's often the pragmatic practical stuff that can make disentangling really complicated and create more barriers and more challenges as well as more weapons that the narcissistic person can use against you because of how heavily invested you have to be in a relationship
03:10
but any battle is all about preparation and part of preparation is to know ahead of time how bad it's going to be when you decide to leave listen you wouldn't want to wage a battle in the wintertime without proper boots and coats you wouldn't want to wage a battle near the sea without boats you have to be prepared for the conditions same thing applies here here the fact is that you leaving is going to go so badly well-intentioned and well-meeting
03:42
meaning friends and advisors will want to tell you oh come on now and i get it's going to be hard to leave but maybe it won't be that bad i'm here to tell you it will be that bad because i'm actually getting tired of watching people not being prepared for this mess whether these are divorces or people just ending any kind of relationship or leaving workplaces or separating from families it will go badly like i said knowing that
04:14
can help you prepare so let's break down the why why does it go so badly we forget how much narcissistic people are impacted by abandonment narcissistic personality is a personality pathology or a maladaptive personality characterized by instability insecurity inadequacy and abandonment activates lots of ego crises for them listen nobody likes it when somebody in their lives
04:45
that they didn't intend to lose gets up and leaves but healthy people cope with that they have the resilience to grieve it they can even take some responsibility for it and then let it go without causing harm to themselves and to others that's not what you're going to see in these kinds of high conflict personality styles like narcissism the entitlement the difficulty in seeing people as anything more that than objects that feed their needs
05:16
that means that when someone leaves them they're losing lots of stuff they're losing narcissistic supply they're losing the convenience of having you around they're losing something that they believe they invested in it is not unusual for people with narcissistic personalities to view the people in their lives as investment accounts or stocks that they put resources into and subsequently like any investment
05:47
expect dividends from if you leave it's like them taking a bath on that investment and one way or another you are going to pay now that abandonment and the shame and the disappointment and the frustration that are activated by it bring out rage and this rage is part of a much larger system of vindictiveness if you upset me
06:18
you're gonna pay a thousand times worse right this abandonment shame rage vindictiveness cycle is what fuels the entire downward spiral after someone ends a relationship with a narcissistic person this is where all of the fallout happens the litigation the custody battles the arguing over finances the stalking and even at times violence the fear created by the cycle
06:50
that goes from shame to vindictiveness can actually keep some people stuck in narcissistic relationships because frankly they're so scared of the fallout that they can see coming and it can pull some people back in so they can appease the narcissistic person and they're just afraid rightfully so of the cycle that's unfolding in front of them there is no avoiding the cycle once it's on it's on some people will spend
07:21
hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees and divorces some people will lose a lot of money when these relationships split some people will live in the traumatic fear induced by stalking and constant unremitting emails and texts and phone calls and whatever form of surveillance is being used and some tragically will be physically harmed or worse another pattern
07:51
that will unfold if you try to leave that also involves the vindictiveness is that they will use your vulnerabilities against you and i'll have a more robust video on this issue coming soon as well because it's a very important issue to sort of flesh out after however many months or years you were in some form of relationship with this person you may have shared your vulnerabilities it's a normal thing to do you may have shared your fears hopes traumas
08:23
core wounds pressure points again a very normal thing to do in any kind of close relationship or friendship and the narcissistic person must put them into some dark corner of their brain with surgical precision when you decide to start pulling away and leave they will weaponize these vulnerabilities and will attack you with them relentlessly they will mock you about your traumas they will insult people dear to you
08:56
they will impugn your integrity they will criticize and devalue roles you take in your life roles you hold dear such as being a parent or your job they will mock your appearance i mean nothing nothing is sacred to them you maybe even may even be able to go try to go deep on this one right and not personalize but you are all of us me you all of us you're a human being and reading and
09:27
hearing this kind of poison over and over again it will definitely take a toll on you you will find yourself ruminating distracted perhaps even feeling depression fearful just around the sound of a text message notification or looking at your own inbox and there is an unrelenting nature to these attacks i have had clients come into my office and share with me the emails and messages that they've received just hand me their phone
09:58
i wasn't even the recipient of these messages and i felt sick to my stomach reading them it is almost unfathomable to imagine what someone receiving these messages regularly what that would feel like but it's not enough for them to just make your life miserable then they up the ante they start sending similar messages to other people who are close to you or who care about you now some of this
10:28
will be in the guise of the smear campaign they will tell anyone who knows you or knows about you and will stand still long enough to listen to them share all kinds of terrible things about you true things untrue things it doesn't matter they'll tell anyone who'll listen the narcissistic person's stories will be so insistent that some in fact more than some people hearing these stories will believe them and honestly you know what when this happens
10:59
it is a great time to clean house anyone who falls for this stuff it's time to give them the old heave-ho but again it brings up even more grief not only have you ended the narcissistic relationship you aren't just losing the narcissist which is ultimately a good thing you are losing other people other people you once valued as well they will also send toxic messages to people in your circle maybe family friends colleagues sometimes even attacking them your
11:30
family and friends and colleagues attacking them for their lack of loyalty to the narcissist as well as other character attacks for many people out there who go through this they feel as though they can withstand the narcissist attacks but when it brings in the people that they care about who are not even a part of the conflict between you and the narcissist i can really bring out a new level of rage in you and a real desire to get really amped up and say i just want to
12:01
shut this person down the good thing is that once they go public or go widely with these terrible things they're saying about you you may have some legal recourse as always save everything you get from them and contact an attorney if you have the resources to do so as in some cases not all but in some there may be legal remedies to address some of this abuse narcissists are clever they know how to just sort of fly right under that legal line though there is a moment it's a unique moment i
12:32
remember these moments actually from growing up back east where we actually had real weather out there it would be that six to eight hours right before a hurricane would hit or the night just as a blizzard was coming in it's a quiet who knows maybe it's the falling barometric pressure but you can feel something the shoe about to drop but but it hasn't yet there's a unique stillness right before these storms a smell in the air that moment reminds me of the quiet
13:04
moment before the storm erupts when you leave a narcissistic relationship i walk so many clients through this and i feel it with them i know what they're about to enter they don't i don't know it's kind of like the lord of the rings if poor frodo knew what he was getting into i'm not so sure he would have done it now many people once they're out of these relationships really out
13:35
they look like the walking wounded they have binders full of emails and texts and voicemail transcripts and other documents this is an experience that will leave you looking visibly aged there is a grief that sets in and a vigilance and a traumatic reaction as well there may be real fallout lost relationships with family destroyed children financial ruin
14:05
a life they no longer recognize but interestingly despite the ruin all survivors are able to exhale and say oh my gosh at least they aren't in my life anymore however there are some who say i'm not so sure all of this was worth it maybe i could have just white-knuckled it a little longer it would have been much of a life but i'm wrecked each story is very different
14:35
some of you may be wondering what if the narcissist is the one who wants to leave all i can say to that is consider yourself lucky and be done with it i know it hurts i know you feel left but it's good some people fight to keep the narcissist in their lives from a place of pride or perhaps maybe even from their own fear of abandonment or being alone if they leave you're lucky now there's someone else's problem enough said honestly that's not what this video is about
15:07
this is about when you want to leave i don't know the right answer it's different for every circumstance it's so tragic to stay in one of these narcissistic situations is to have to completely disconnect from your true self to survive it's just basically robotic survival to stay in these relationships some people have to stay they do and they try to find beauty in small moments a walk
15:37
friends hobbies but they recognize it isn't a full life people who are stuck in these relationships exhale on the good moments when the narcissist isn't around but others say that the dangers to their health and their well-being aren't worth it and they're willing to take their chances and withstand the rigors of getting out the one thing i can promise is that if you are the one to leave unless you are the unicorn and none of us are it will go badly it doesn't mean you shouldn't go it
16:09
means like in most of life i need you to be ready and be prepared have your ducks in line your supports in place document the hell out of everything and keep those documents in a safe place seek out advocates and legal guidance as needed and even with all of that recognize that psychologically this is going to be a nightmare but i gotta tell you i've seen countless numbers of people do it it is a heroic journey and if you decide to do it you can
16:40
i'll keep making content to help you but you can just keep your eyes open and your expectations clear and anyone who tries to soften it and say uh no no maybe it won't be so bad it will be so bad so when it is so bad doesn't mean you're doing it wrong it means that this is a hard thing to do thanks again

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