Narcissists and getting out while the getting is good

Narcissists and getting out while the getting is good

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00:06
hi everyone it's dr romini welcome back to this youtube channel and all kinds of things related to narcissism narcissistic relationships and the harm that these relationships can bring you um we're back to the proverbs and you know i love me some proverbs and all of you are sending them in from all over the world it's been just such a pleasure to just research them and where they come from i think this series may just end up going on forever today's proverb is going to be one that i'm sure many of you heard it is get out while the getting is good
00:37
so let's talk about this proverb and how it relates to narcissism and narcissistic abuse i'm sure you can already guess in a narcissistic relationship getting out while the getting is good probably after the first date but let's break down what this proverb actually means it means to get out of a situation while you can still do so easily and with minimal damage loss or harm when i tried to source the origin of this particular proverb it was difficult and i was able to locate two sources
01:10
from the early part of the 20th century one interestingly had to do with sales i think like car sales and the other one was from a book about women pioneers in kansas by a woman named sarah comstock but in general terms this saying get out while the getting is good is about leaving a situation while it's still a good idea now perhaps in a narcissistic relationship it really is about the idea of getting out while the getting is good is really about not getting in in the first place
01:41
but this proverb actually can be quite useful as a strategy for narcissistic relationships in an intimate relationship let's face it the love bombing feels good that kind of attention and all of that it's fun but we know now it's very dangerous i often tell people if you can figure out how to date someone who's narcissistic and love mommy for just six weeks and get and then get out it's sort of like eating the top of a cupcake only top's the best part and then you get out before you waste the calories on the stump
02:13
but most people who are enthrall over the whole love bombing phase are often not fully aware of what's happening to them and so they aren't realizing that this love bombing is not is time limited and so they don't realize that if they stick it out not so good the key and what the saying really gets at the core of is to pay attention to the red flags and not justify them it's interesting i recently talked with someone who was telling me that about five months into a relationship with
02:45
someone who turned out to be quite narcissistic five months into the relationship her new partner said something really mean just mean to her she was shocked by how mean and toxic it was because until then the relationship was going really well and she was really enjoying the relationship there was no way to justify with the spirits that it was just so mean but she did justify it she said he's a hard-hitting businessman he's really good at business and she had brought him a business related question so she thought that's just that he's a hard-hitting businessman that's just him being his
03:16
business self and all that meant to me was that both his business self and his personal self were cruel and invalidating at that point when he made that comment that was when the getting was getting out was good right because she hadn't invested had not invested too much of herself into it and neither had he well she stuck it out and many years later when she finally did try to get out when it wasn't such good getting out she pinned that moment when he said that mean thing as the moment when the
03:46
relationship really started slowly going south and years later there was a kids and house and the stuff and at that point she was mired in custody battle divorce money nightmare beginning was getting out was no longer so good the tricky bit is honoring those red flags early is that if you are that savvy to see the red flags and start getting out the narcissist becomes like a dog with a bone with you when it's still early in the relationship and it's still a game to
04:17
win for them to win you if you take on an early fl red flag and you step away they aren't gonna let that happen they're gonna do things like future fake be really seductive tell you what you want to hear and you need to be made of steel to not fall for what they're saying and believe the false promises and the show person ship and all of that so i know some of you are saying i saw the red flags but then after the red flags they became so convincing in terms of their promises and behavior
04:49
remember that the narcissistic person needs and wants to win and if you are just in love bombing and haven't gotten to devalue and you see a red flag and you get out right before devalue they're really really really going to try to win you over and capture you before you can leave them the other challenge is that after the relationship has gone on for a while maybe for years and you try to get out they don't like that either as i said before abandonment is a major
05:21
trigger for narcissistic people so if you abandon them they will react strongly and it is very uncomfortable for them abandonment can mean facing down narcissistic rage and escalation and just general awfulness so once you are in one of these relationships for too long the getting is no longer good because the narcissistic person may make it so psychologically difficult to leave
05:52
you will face down significant manipulation gaslighting flying monkeys being prepared for all of this helps but it's still never easy now in families i'm not sure what the getting looks like because in families it's usually too late you were born into it so is there really ever a time when the getting is good probably not because you weren't going to leave when you were four so one way is to take advantage when it comes to familial separation if you could have taken advantage of a natural transition point
06:22
again i remember talking to one woman who actually joined the military to get away from her narcissistic mother she knew that if she enlisted she'd have no control over where she would be deployed she did multiple tours of duty both in the united states and overseas and she still said that the rigors of a military life were more manageable than her mother it allowed her then to be moved around and then finally she made her life in the state that held the final base she was stationed at before her term of
06:53
service was finished and that gave her a permanent natural distance from her mother but she knew she wouldn't just be able to move away on her own without the excuse of the military others will use college as a time to get away or accept a job transfer however you can wait for the manipulations and guilt from your family and for many people from narcissistic family systems it is difficult to fight back on the attempts to draw them back into the family systems over guilt
07:22
or some other manipulation in jobs getting out while the getting is good is getting out before you get too stuck in things like golden handcuffs related to pensions and retirement plans or get too over focused on maybe making partner in a business or law firm or tenure that you get stuck in a toxic place pay attention to the toxic patterns and recognize that you won't change them in an institutional setting some people will white knuckle it in a
07:55
company for example until they become vested or a public offering is made so they can make money and they will report that they actually needed all that money to pay for the damn therapy bills after enduring all the abuse for staying in the company people sometimes feel like they're giving up too easier being a quitter if they quit a toxic employment situation when in fact they may be saving themselves years that would have been lost in a career that was thwarted by a toxic situation
08:27
getting out while the getting is good is just good life wisdom around money time leaving a party and just knowing when to quit when it comes to toxic or narcissistic relationships the earlier the better i do notice that in survivors of narcissistic abuse they get better at this over time and the amount of time they stick around with each new narcissist gets shorter and shorter to me that's progress
08:58
they may then leave a narcissistic friendship after a year great and let's face it thanks for watching this video to the end because you could have left early and thought you were getting out while the getting was good and maybe that's just my neurosis that i thought you may not like it and that's a topic for a different video but getting out while the getting is good could have saved many many people in narcissistic relationships a world of hurt our whole culture around feeling like we have to stick it out
09:28
or it's gonna get better or the terrible hope that keep these that keeps these relationships afloat listen to that old proverb it doesn't just have to do with money thanks again for tuning in and just an fyi a lot of the themes covered in these videos go into much much deeper dives in our monthly seminar series these are much more long and elaborate and for more information on those you can go to my website and then we'll often have that we'll have that link in the description of this video so you can go get more information on
09:59
that too thanks again

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