When A Narcissist Realizes You Refuse To Be Controlled

When A Narcissist Realizes You Refuse To Be Controlled

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00:00
we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial
00:34
beginning very early in my career as a psychotherapist and continuing all the way up until the present day i i drew the conclusion that so many people have difficulties and strains in their emotional and relational lives due to the fact that someone is just dying to show control over them and it dawns on me you know it takes the height of arrogance and frankly the lack of common sense for one human being to say it really is
01:06
an excellent idea for me to not to tell someone else how they're supposed to be and how to dominate and how to control them that's just not the way healthy living is is designed to be now sure enough it's okay for us to give each other feedback and suggestions and talk about what does and does not work and we can uh put that under the category of having good boundaries but i'm i'm i'm talking about how there's just some individual will say there's a mold that i have designed and
01:35
and i want you to get inside my mold as i say it's supposed to be by the way way early on i came up with a little term that i like to use i call it imperative thinking or imperative communication that describes how these kind of controlling people communicate with you i want you to think about how many times you'll hear things like you have to you must you should you're supposed to you better you can't you've got to i mean those are favorite phrases that they use
02:06
over and over and over and you may find yourself getting caught up in that and throwing them right back in reverse or speaking that within yourself all of that denotes that one human being is saying i've got to control you and when you take a look at all of the emotional duress the anxiety the depression the anger the the guilt and all that goes with it you realize you know that's not a good way to go and then i want you to think what would happen if you were to decide you know what i'm not going to do that anymore these
02:37
narcissistic individuals who feel like they're so uh entitled and self-impressed that they can control me i suppose they can continue to think that way but i refuse to be controlled by the controller it's not going to happen anymore what would that be like if you were to declare that whether you want to say it out loud or you just simply want to say it with your actions i can promise you that once the narcissist gets wind of this they're not going to pay you compliments and pat you on the back and say hey chad
03:08
way to go i'm not for you instead you'll be labeled as an in great you'll be told that you're being rebellious or you're not a very enlightened person or you're not a team player or you're just some sort of an outlier or a non-conformist but basically what you you would be saying is all i want is to be free i want my own sense of peace i want my common sense to guide the way that i
03:38
do life stop controlling me is that such a bad thing for you to declare now by the way if you do declare that let's just keep in mind sometimes uh by after you've done so uh the controller is going to come back with a vengeance and you may collapse in defeat or you may feel like you have to uh plead your case over and over so that they'll be okay with your decision uh sometimes you'll hide your desire to not be controlled and you'll feel like you have to steal freedom like when they're not
04:10
watching i'm gonna go over here and just try to be myself you know what what if we decided i'm not doing that anymore i don't want to be controlled which means that i'm just going to establish who i'm going to be now this implies a couple of things that i hope that you will be in an ongoing process of honing in on in your own way of life first i hope that you're constantly taking a hard look at what your well-conceived ideas of a good life consist of
04:40
the the values the principles the standards that you want to live with you know the the healthy ways that you want to manage your emotions and then second i'm hoping that you can take that thinking that you have and apply it to very specific uh circumstances so that you've got a well-conceived idea of what the good life looks like when you know that you have a a reasonable manner of doing life and then you come back and say please stop controlling me you're actually making a pretty good
05:11
combination of thoughts there and you know some folks they're doing it with such defiance that you know they're just uh trying to go into a counter control mode and that's not what we're talking about basically what you're saying is i figured out what a healthy life requires and it doesn't include all of this controlling stuff therefore i'm not playing that game with any narcissist or anyone else anymore now they're not going to uh to like i say to go along with you and say well you know how can how can you and i
05:43
coordinate better instead i want you to be prepared for what might happen once you let it be known you don't want to be controlled anymore it's going to bring out all sorts of different behaviors from that narcissistic person first they can bully you it's kind of like i will make you feel regret the day that you ever decided you were going to go against me they can push their point on you they'll argue with you over and over and over and just keep asking loaded questions why are you doing it this way why did you come up with that don't you
06:13
remember you told me this and on and on and on it'll just wear you out by the way you might ask and do you join in when they do that i hope not they can complain about you to people who matter to you and in fact they may make efforts to bring shame upon you they may reveal intimate details that you've shared with that narcissist to someone else and in doing so and it's their way of trying to embarrass you or they may just distort mistakes that
06:44
you have made in the past they can openly lie about things that you've done that have not actually happened nothing i mean they're there many times hardly anything is going to stop them from doing something like that they can accuse you of being crazy they can say uh that you have lied to them over and over and you maybe you have you know you know you you've just been you've been so dishonest with me and it's like you know what i have been dishonest with you i've tried to let you know that i'm okay with your controlling ways
07:14
and you know what i'm not they can go into what we refer to as the narcissistic rage where there's lots of shouting and screaming and uncontrollable anger or they can take it to the other extreme where there's a lot of the deep harsh persistent pervasive passive aggressiveness where they're not cooperative at all and they go into the deep freeze and and non-coordination and there's there's all sorts of things that they can do they'll certainly deny any wrongdoing on their part and by the
07:46
way when they go into that heavy denial we have a word for that it's called lying they're just not honest they'll just lie about who they are and what they've done with you they can call back compliments that they used to give you i remember one woman who told me that you know her husband used to say how pretty she was and now he would come back and uh that they had broken up so i just said that just to prop you up and i don't really think you are you're just a really insecure person and nobody likes you anyway they just throw insults and call back all the nice things he said
08:18
they can sulk they can retreat they can disappear they may still talk glowingly about who they are and you know what whenever they go into those kind of behaviors it just illustrates all the more the legitimacy of you saying stop trying to control me i don't want to be controlled by somebody that does this now when they do come at you with all of this control kind of stuff i'm hoping that you can lock in with
08:48
certain core beliefs that you can hold tuned down and hold you down at the very base of your way of thinking see if you can go along with some of these thoughts for example i'm hoping that you can think my desire to not be controlled is mainstream it's not a weird thought i am mainstream and another thought it makes no sense for me to lose myself to someone else who's simply
09:18
a self-absorbed individual i don't want to do that anymore and it also makes no sense to lose myself to someone who becomes emotionally unhinged just because i don't fit their mold simply put i want to be respected simply put i want to be treated as someone who's desirable i want to be treated as someone who has dignity no apology offered for that and you know what else i'm hoping you can be thinking and i'm
09:49
weary of trying to defend all these things that require no defense in the first place i'm wearing of having to apologize for things that require no apology i'm a person of good character enough said i like the way that i prioritize my life's responsibilities and if you want to complain about my free choices i'll listen and then i'll make my adjustments according to what makes sense to me
10:19
i i i know that when i have my own separateness and my own distinction it just makes you feel angry and unsettled and what that says to me is we weren't a good fit then are we why would we need to have a relationship where you're chronically angry at someone such as me while i don't like your retaliation measures they simply motivate me to claim my freedom all the more i don't need to be filtering
10:50
my way of life through someone who feels like they have to come against me just simply because i want to be me change can be good and i'm ready for some change so i'm hoping that you can let it be known i'm not going to be controlled by that narcissist anymore and and they'll show their pathology that's a virtual guarantee but when they do i hope that you can also recognize that their decomposition in a moment like that
11:21
simply is a commentary about who they are they want to make it all about you but it's not uh it's a commentary about who they are the depth of their insecurity and their off-centered way of thinking and uh recognize that that's an indication that these individuals are troubled souls which underscores all the more i don't need to let that kind of person control me so let's go with one huge thought and that is it's necessary
11:51
it's not just good it's necessary for you to be you and so when you say i'm not going to let somebody control me hold on to that thought move forward and don't look back i hope that videos such as this will give you some good stimulus for some thinking if you've not already done so i would encourage you to go beneath and hit that subscribe button and if uh in addition we also have an email list that i would encourage you to sign up for for promotions and things like that that we have
12:24
and discounts things of that nature for our products in addition it could be that you decide that you may decide that you'd like to seek some counseling for uh to have someone help sift out these kinds of things if you have someone in your immediate area i would encourage you to seek that person out and and get some counseling if you don't have someone we've vetted a group that can provide online counseling i've received good feedback from them i've been referring of course all my career to for people to get the counseling they need and we have a link below that will take you to the online counseling
12:55
in addition we have our uh my free to be online course it's a very broad and extensive course with lots of different modules to it and videos and thought-provoking questions that go along with every video in addition we have our websites survivingnarcissism.tv.lescarter.com lots of resources i want you to hold on to that notion that says i don't need to be controlled by someone else i'm not the best version of me when that happens and as you're able to hold on to that thought
13:28
and all that goes with it i'm hoping that you can find your place of consistency steadiness and most of all i hope that you're able to find your place of peace

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