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hey hey people Seth here today I'll be
covering a long-running cult classic
that's still updated and developed to
this very day a game which chronicles
the lives and accomplishments of stumpy
alcoholics as they struggle to avoid
sobriety a game where the most ludicrous
events take place daily where
civilizations rise and fall just because
someone left a Necronomicon in the
public library a game where the UI is so
useless and convoluted that you'd
honestly have an easier time playing
Microsoft Excel
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[Music]
I'm speaking of course about dwarf
fortress dwarf fortress is less of a
game and more of a complex fantasy world
simulation made by one guy over 20 years
and probably for the rest of his natural
and unnatural lifespan as we plan to
crowdfund Tarn Adams a synthetic body so
he can focus on what truly matters Dwarf
Fortress really is one of the greatest
autism projects to ever blossom fun fact
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it's also the hardest game to run on PC
even an i7 processor chokes and dies the
moment you forget to sterilize your
cat's if not for the ever-increasing
technological demands of dwarf fortress
AMD and Intel would be bankrupt right
now to even begin playing Dwarf Fortress
you'll need some prescription medication
but more importantly you'll need a world
to play in so we create one we set some
parameters and the game will then
calculate 250 [ __ ] years of history
for this randomly generated world and
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depending on your computer this may also
take 250 years once the world is made
it's all yours and like an abusive lover
she will caress and beat you senseless
and each time you'll come back for more
there's two main game modes you can play
into war fortress you can either choose
to embark on distant lands and lead a
fortress Haroon or die horrific Lee in
the pursuit of adventure to begin let's
cover a fortress mode first all you have
to do is pick a nice place to embark and
that's about it despite common myths
Dwarf Fortress isn't complicated just
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follow a couple of tutorials and you'll
be a seasoned veteran in no time you
should also download and use the lazy
noob pack because the game is almost
unplayable without it some may disagree
with this statement but to put it simply
they're [ __ ] wrong these same people
will disagree with my choice of tile set
or the fact that I use a tile set at all
to answer these concerns and make this
video that much easier to watch I will
be using all of the tile sets at random
in fortress mode you start out with 7
dwarves given the difficult task of
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establishing civilization the longer you
survive and flourish the more migrants
will arrive from neighboring cities
attracted by the promise of your growing
fortress from there on any number of
things can happen
disaster tragedy invasions and
tantrum spirals which frettin to end
your fort at any given moment but
whoever you live or die
just remember losing is fun it's
impossible to cover everything so let me
tell you some stories the first fortress
I ever found it was absolutely terrible
we had no metal so instead we fought
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with sticks and traded pottery for any
possible scrap of metal we also lived in
constant fear
there was a where zebra on the loose he
kept eating my chickens and trampling my
Dwarfs as if I couldn't escape the furry
Menace in real life it torments me in my
video games as well it turned out that
the where zebra was a human musician who
plays at my tavern so I let him stay and
snap a few chicken necks every month the
place was actually quite successful five
years on and no major invasions what the
hell I asked my friend who knows dwarf
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fortress to take a look he came back
shocked and told me you're not at war
with the goblins how I had no idea my
fortress was a place of culture and
learning of drunken revelry and
international diplomatic renown life
Percy did as normal and then one day one
of my guests of honor
a legendary human wrestler had too much
to drink and went into a murderous rage
he proceeded to grab a goblin dancer and
pulled off her lower jaw as she was
screaming he began flashing her with her
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own jawbone the situation quickly
deteriorated as she retaliated back my
other dwarves upon seeing that a man was
under attack and fearing for his life
used appropriate self-defence to remove
the assailants ability to chew food
launched into a furious brawl it was a
bloodbath it marked the beginning of a
race riots every Goblin in my fortress
was slaughtered for our acts of racial
cleansing the goblins had declared war
on us one we couldn't win and all
because some [ __ ] couldn't handle his
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mushroom wine several months later my
fortress was swallowed by the green
horde those who weren't murdered walled
themselves off went crazy and consumed
each other the rest starved to death
dwarf fortress a fun light-hearted
experience for the whole family
my second fortress fared slightly better
until I dug too deep
my furred well we all know how this
already right one of my dwarves got
possessed so I walled off his workshop
forgot about it and accidentally opened
up his crypt in the middle of town
the nauseous fumes from his hot
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decomposing body erupted across several
levels driving everyone insane from the
sight and stench of his swollen cadaver
in the chaos a mother dropped her
toddler into a shallow pool of water the
child drowned causing her mother to go
into a tantrum and attack an experienced
axe dwarf who decapitated her the dead
bodies caused more Tantrums which would
result in even more dead bodies which
eventually reduced my population to a
single person a single accident or who
was now considered legendary having
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gained enough experience from beheading
everybody else my fourth attempt was
actually fine the fortress still stands
as a grisly reminder of why we have
health and safety I read online
somewhere that you could train your
dwarves extremely quickly by
constructing a danger room the idea is
simple we put a dwarf in a room filled
with traps we activate them and our
brave warriors will gracefully dodge and
block every single one of them but this
process wasn't fast enough so we
replaced the traps with coins we hit the
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lever and 500 freshly minted coins would
harmlessly ricochet at high speed across
the room turning our dwarves into
professional soldiers instantly however
it didn't work 500 coins suddenly
ricocheted at high speed and destroyed
my dwarfs windpipe even the best
surgeons available couldn't operate
quick enough tourists or oxygen supply
the cause of death was ruled to be
asphyxiation by a legal tender not to be
dissuaded I tried to optimize coin
training I made my men wear five layers
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of cotton around their necks the results
several women were now widows and about
a dozen men who are now buried without a
throat it turns out coins are very
dangerous attempt number 5 my current
and final fortress one day I receive a
notification one of my master engravers
had just sculpted a masterpiece on the
dining room wall
I find the engraving and read the
description he just sculpted a drawing
of himself stabbing another dwarf and
soon after he actually stabbed him what
an absolute
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Ladd misses also about the time I
decided to embark on a haunted biome and
my personal advice don't do that nothing
dies on a haunted biome the moment you
kill an animal it gets back up the
moment you chop off a limb it gets
possessed and tries to choke you did you
know if is obliged to shellfish and
crustaceans as well I didn't but I've
just lost a good fisherman to an undead
pile of lobster shells if all of this
sounds like too much to handle then you
can play adventure mode instead
Adventure mode lets you design and
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control a single character that can
interact with influence and shape the
world once again it's impossible to
cover everything so instead I'll share
some of my characters exploits the very
first character I ever made was a human
locally renowned for his acts of heroism
I didn't know the controls and didn't
really care I spent my entire time
accusing children of being vampires and
throwing silver at them until they died
no one dared intervene in my righteous
crusade against darkness incidentally
one of the people I accused was actually
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a vampire who proceeded to kill me
instantly to get rid of the evidence my
second character was a cobalt who had
successfully integrated with modern
civilization to demonstrate how
integrated I was I immediately
assassinated the king
to my surprise vegard's didn't even care
my reward for committing regicide was
monarchy I had become the new ruler of
his kingdom
I spent the rest of my career spreading
rumours but the previous king was
murdered by myself everyone refused to
believe it and said I the king was full
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of [ __ ] my third character managed to
find a really nice book a book of
necromancy which I generously donated to
one of my fortress libraries after
retiring from adventuring and checking
up on the place I was pleasantly
surprised to find a place overrun with
Undead then I got bored and installed
some lore friendly mods currently 9
playing is Vegeta
a local Saiyan Prince who accidentally
used Instant Transmission
to teleport to hell there I learned that
her wrestling system in Dwarf Fortress
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is extremely elaborate allowing Vegeta
to chokehold demons while he plucks out
their necks after returning from the
underworld Vegeta spent several hours
vomiting on townspeople and indirectly
killed a child by doing push-ups later
that day and elvish serf refused to
yield to the Saiyan Prince he rejected
his generous demands for both of his
shoes in exchange for his life
now I'm not very good at Dragon Ball Z
lore but I don't remember Vegeta being
able to make Destructo discs but who
gives a [ __ ] in this mod he can so I
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decapitated a bunch of elves with energy
disks and turned into a giant ape then I
got drunk and crawled in the floor
stealing people's genitals in case you
haven't figured this out already floor
fortress is an amazing game and not only
that it's unique there's nothing quite
like it it's a sandbox and you make your
own fun and if you get bored of sand
there's a billion mods out there which
make the game that much more intricate
and entertaining sure it's hard to get
into but then again so are nursing homes
I give it a perfect score perfection is
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subjective which is why everyone will
see something different or something gay
as always more content to come so stay
tuned this video comes out much later
than expected what's up with that Seth
you lazy schmuck you've not even taken
our money since November truth be told I
took a corporate position in December
then I realized I can do a hundred times
more by myself so now I'm going all-in
Seth is going full-time a warm thanks to
the many members of a merchants guild
who have been generously funding and
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bankrolling these videos you're all
truly wonderful I missed the chance to
save as before so Merry Christmas Happy
Hanukkah and have a Happy New Year
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