THE CRY BEHIND A NARCISSIST'S ANGER

THE CRY BEHIND A NARCISSIST'S ANGER

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Language: English

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00:03
I want you to think about some moments that you've had with a narcissist where you've realized man this person seems to have some issues with anger that defy the norms does that ever happen to you that can be at a work setting or extended family or friendships or inside your own home but narcissists have a very difficult time managing anger cleanly because anger to them is a power emotion and it becomes an opportunity
00:34
for them to get you in line and of course what they do is they make matters really sloppy and messy and so I want to see if we can have an understanding of what's going on inside of that angry narcissist to the point where they can go to places of rage and harshness that can scare you but the more you have an understanding of what you're up against then the less you're going to get pulled into their dominance and control let's start with the assumption that healthy individuals
01:05
have a certain foundational belief system that they draw upon in other words they have a sense of purpose that they live with part of the purpose that I hope that you've decided to live according to has to do with setting yourself up as being somebody who's good and kind and helpful whether it's in your professional expertise you want to make sure that that's something that you do for the betterment of other individuals it's not just all about you you know that you have an interconnectedness with other people and
01:36
so as you engage with others in such a way that's mutually beneficial then life is going to go much more smoothly now I want you to think how many narcissists do you know who draw upon that kind of inner sense of purpose and that sense of direct direction and of course the answer is no they don't think like that they don't think outside themselves their whole purpose in life is to preserve themselves now basically a
02:05
narcissist is pretty much a lost soul they are in two ingredients like power and dominance and privilege and entitlement forcefulness it's like well I don't really care what purpose you have in your life in fact some of them make mock it all I know is is I need to be in charge and I need to get people and events and circumstances to line up to what I say is right and so basically
02:36
that means that life to them is a competition that person has to win which means that someone else like you or you're gonna have to lose and basically this sets them to them up to feel a lot of anger because when you don't get their memo or you don't go according to their memo and say okay we'll do everything according to your agenda then they can be simmering over there wondering well why aren't you living life according to what I say is right
03:07
now there's certain primary ingredients that the narcissist already has on the inside of their personalities that makes them highly vulnerable to inappropriate anger for example narcissists are easily critical basically they operate with the assumption my way is the best mmm that's enough and so they as they watch you and observe you it's extremely easy for them to find fault in what you think or say
03:38
or do or how you approach things you know there's just a lot of variety out there that they don't want to encounter don't want to engage with and so when you show yourself to be a bit other then here comes that critical thinking and then that also sets them up to have a just kind of a simmering annoyance or an impatient with people and events in general it's like well all sorts of little bitty small matters can get under their skin and can agitate them and of course you know about that
04:09
and then in addition to all of that and because of their critical mindset and because that's simmering impatient they offer plenty of unsolicited advice and try to tell you how to run things in the way that they suppose the things are supposed to be done and then basically the this will have their pet trigger points that they watch for it may be how you spend money it may be how you manage time it may be how you approach projects that you're working on together it might
04:40
be have something to do with your belief system or your political persuasions those kind of things and because they have those trigger points anytime that those things come along then it starts making them go into that control kind of empower kind of mentality and so then here comes the anger now I want you to to think about some of the primary forms of anger that that narcissus in your world may use and sometimes it can get really ugly to the point of up now what
05:10
we would call narcissistic rage for example they can go into a loud and shouting an overwhelming style of communication where nobody else is going to get another word in and when that happens then it's insults its condescension what's wrong with you cornering questions those kind of things and then they can make threats I'll tell you what if you want to keep doing a B and C you're going to see exactly what kind of a miserable decision that's going to be and I'm going to make sure you know they go into all of that kind of discussion with you and they refuse
05:42
to work with you they refuse to hear your point of view because once they get into the anger then it's all about themselves and and basically they create chaos in a relationship rather than thinking okay wait a minute you have a position you have a way of thinking and feeling that's not the way I do I have mine why don't we put our heads together and talk about it that would actually involve clean and healthy assertive anger which is something they don't know how to do instead they'll curse at you
06:14
instead they'll call you names instead they'll insult you they'll insult your ideas they'll insult your plans they'll insult your friends they'll insult your family they'll and so how you feel they'll insult your preferences does any of that sound very familiar and when you look at what's going on inside that anger I'm hoping you're going to rap nice there's there certain elements there that you can't afford to match pitch on now the natural tendency that
06:47
you might have when they go into their anger place is to go into your anger place and you can be just as ugly or argumentative as they are sometimes you may give them all sorts of advice if they're not asking for and you plead your case and you explain if you would quit doing a and do B instead then everything would be okay course once and a narcissist anger is triggered it's gonna take quite a while for them to get out of because they're never going to say hey you're making a good point that's just not in their vocabulary and
07:18
sometimes you respond with your own suppression of emotion or you'll act out behind the scenes where they don't see it and notice it so I'm hoping that you can get an idea that even if you are the kind of person that likes to operate with a sense of purpose helpfulness those kind of things you're not dealing with somebody who has that same kind of mindset so as we look at how you're going to respond to that narcissist I
07:51
want to see if I can get you to kind of have a visual in mind about what's really going on inside that person and as you get this visual in mind perhaps can help you learn to respond in a much more detached kind of way so that you're not suckered into their mannerism and here's the visual that angry narcissist if you can picture them with their hands over their faces just crying sobbing weeping that's what's really happening
08:24
there's a cry that's a part of that that narcissists anger the narcissist is basically crying even though they're not using these words why is my world so difficult why can't you affirm me and there's just this I don't know what to do with this it hurts me so much to being me in the presence of all you people out there and I just can't handle the the different
08:55
mnestheus where that narcissist is really crying behind the scenes you'll see that what you're dealing with is a hurt little boy or a hurt little girl who has a severely damaged ego now those people can have such a low level of self-awareness that they'll take the words that I'm saying right now and just roll their eyes and say oh that is so not true and my response is oh it is so true the
09:31
narcissist who rages and who has this chronic anger is more or less saying I don't know what to do with life when life gives me twists and turns and when things don't unfold the corn in my agenda I feel immobilized and so what I have to do is I have to force and coerce people to live according to what my short-term cravings are so that maybe I can get through this moment and they have no
10:02
sense of purpose that they draw upon their purpose is to make you coordinate with them whereas the healthy individual says wait a minute if there are some things some of those triggers that can make me feel angry I have a game plan I Know Who I am and I don't have to have everything lined up according to my preferences in order for me to remain steady in order for me to remain fair minded that's how I'm hoping you can be but I'm hoping you can recognize that
10:33
when you're dealing with an angry narcissist who can go straight into that place of rage you're dealing with somebody whose pain is so strong and so overwhelming and is so overtaking their personalities that there's not a lot of reasoning that you're going to be able to have with them so that being the case at the very least I want you to have a good understanding and insight into what you're dealing with and then as you respond I'm hoping you can recognize I'm not going to get into your
11:03
childish and your very immature approach towards life I do have a sense of purpose and I do have a sense of meaning and it doesn't include all of this haranguing and harshness and meanness and insults that's your problem that you haven't come to terms with I have come to terms with who I am and it's quite different can you think like that now I'm hoping that you gain from these videos I'm hoping that you see that now I'm wanting you to know and understand
11:34
what's going on inside the narcissist first so that you can learn how to separate yourself off from their garbage but more importantly so that you can have a sense that says I need to go into a different path and so that's what these videos are about I would invite you to go beneath the video and hit the subscribe button so that we can let you know when more videos come along beneath the video I also have some links to some of my books and some online workshops that you might be interested in I'm privileged to have for you to invite me
12:05
along on your journeys you're trying to figure all this out and please know that I take my role in this very seriously and knowing that I will see you next time

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