Covert Narcissists: The Ultimate Gaslighters

Covert Narcissists: The Ultimate Gaslighters

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00:00
we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be workshop so to that effect beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop and we've also included a special discount so if that's something you would be interested in i would invite you to click that link and i hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial
00:34
i want to talk with you today about a topic that can be very difficult to figure out simply because of the subtleties and the hidden elements that are in this topic and that is the covert narcissist who's also a master gaslighter i can't tell you how many times i've spoken with people who will say well it was only after a considerable amount of time that i realized this person i was dealing with was a narcissist and that's because covert narcissists don't necessarily show themselves to be that
01:05
right away now let's keep in mind that narcissism in general is uh is identified by the need to be in control real strong control needs low levels of empathy lots of exploitative manipulative behavior they operate with an alternate reality meaning we do things my way and i don't care what everybody else says they want to be superior and when you have that grandiose open narcissist they don't leave a whole lot to the imagination but the covert narcissist is known for their lack of grandiosity they're not
01:37
showing necessarily and have that look at me kind of mentality sometimes they can come off as mellow or just kind of blending into the pack they may be a little bit shy or they just may seem to be at first glance kind of pleasant friendly and all the rest but over time you realize there's something insidious that's going on that keeps repeating itself and then when we talk about gaslighting we're talking about uh the tendency to try to create confusion in the other individuals so the covert
02:07
narcissist wants you to feel confused about your truth and your perceptions and so it's their way of trying to keep an edge over you now the the covert narcissist can can be every bit as self-absorbed as any other form of narcissist they're users of people you just may not know it at the time uh over time you begin realizing these individuals don't have a whole lot of depth they may give you the impression they do but they have a lot of black and white
02:38
shallow self-serving kind of thinking that they operate with they honestly believe they're better than you but their their hottiness can be a quiet haughtiness they can be very thin-skinned if anything is spoken that they deem to be unflattering it offends them greatly they can be difficult to coordinate life with i mean it could be that their timeliness is not what you want they may not be reliable in the way they do a task or if you think you have an agreement with them they wind up doing something else
03:10
and it's just their way of saying uh no we don't do things your way it's all about me uh and my ways are always better than you i just don't sometimes just don't feel the need to communicate it out loud with you now as you engage with these people it's very interesting it's very common for you to uh to eventually walk away thinking have i done something to offend this person or they're constantly seem to be upset with me what do i need to do and that's the gas lighting now what i want to do is i'm going to go through seven
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common scenarios or common uh patterns that these people can get into that's part of their covert gas lighting and as i go through each of these seven i want you to see if this is something that you can uh identify with and i specifically want you to notice how it's in its intent is to keep you guessing about yourself now one of the most common things that these covert narcissists will do is they want to play the role of the victim let me give you an example of what i mean let's suppose that your preferences deviate from theirs
04:11
or maybe you have a disagreement with them or you have a need to change plans i mean those are very common things that happen in any relationship the victim covert narcissist instead of saying well help me understand where you're coming from they're going to think why are you doing this to me that's their victimization and and in doing so it's their way of implying there's something wrong with you now do you see the gaslighting as they take that victim's mindset
04:41
the implication is yeah every time i have to do something with you you just keep coming up with some reason to make my life miserable i just don't know what to do with you and you're over there thinking well but i had good intentions and the narcissist is thinking not really i didn't see it or a second tactic that they might use is they can mean uh they can offer minimal gratitude for the positive gestures that you bring to the relationship
05:12
let's say you've done them a favor or you've been very helpful or there's some sort of a a an assistant that you've offered that was unsolicited and you're being really nice to them they might say thanks that's kind of it they can't lean into happiness with you uh they they may give minimal acknowledgements but you see this is part of their lack of empathy rather than thinking wow that was really nice and and i can see what was behind your gesture way to go they don't want to they they they uh
05:43
they're going to keep a certain form of disconnect with you the gas lighting is you can walk away thinking well did i do something wrong or uh they didn't seem to be too happy with that what does that mean and you can start second guessing yourself which is the name of their game a third illustration is they'll frequently turn down offers for positive connections or experiences with you let's suppose that you want to go and do something out in public or you want to uh
06:14
to enjoy a favor kind of thing inside the home or some something of that nature and they may say something like nah not some other time and then later on they'll complain about well we don't even have enough things to do with each other now do we and they they gripe about the fact that they're not connected to you and you're over there thinking well i think i've offered uh is that just not enough and they're over there thinking now you just you're just you're selfish so that's the gas lighting they want you to question your reality
06:47
or a fourth tactic that they can often use as part of their covert gaslighting is that your good achievements or your positive experiences are minimized let's suppose that you have something that's really good that's happened to you it may be that you want to say something about a kid of yours hey my son did this and it was really a great day or it may be that you have a funny story that you want to tell or something happened well at work or with somebody that you had a difficulty with but you had a nice breakthrough and you're trying to share with this
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person and they can say oh how about that or anybody can do that or hmm okay and then they change the subject and you're over there left thinking well i tried to tell you something that was upbeat and uh these gaslighting covert narcissists are skilled at finding bad in that which is good or at least they minimize it and you think again the gas lighting you know maybe it wasn't all that great maybe i've said something that offended them that's what they want you to think or a
07:51
fifth thing that they might do they might turn down plans or activities with you and then he'll do a very similar activity with someone else so you may say hey i've got such and such coming up this weekend want to join me and they may say no i've got a lot going on and then later on you find out that someone else called them and offered to do something it's like yeah they jumped on in a heartbeat and you're thinking is well you know why why why that person but not me do you just not enjoy time with me and
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the the gaslighting that the covert narcissist can do is well it's not what you think or you're always reading something into it they want you to think again there's something wrong with your interpretations or a sixth tactic that they can use is they can be masters at eliciting sympathy unnecessarily let's suppose that something in that narcissist day went wrong and they they they're just kind of complaining like man i have had a
08:52
terrible day and you talk to them and they kind of go go about explaining or maybe a plan fell through and they're upset but then as you hear what they're saying it's like well this is stuff that everybody deals with it may be something at work didn't go well or with a family member it didn't play out well but instead of saying we'll figure it out uh it's like no it's not good and then if you try to offer encouragement uh then it's like yeah you just don't understand and that's the gas lighting you just don't understand i want your sympathy but why do i even
09:23
bother saying things to you the implication is you don't know life very well like i do that's that's the confusion part or how about this last the seventh illustration and that is um these gaslighting uh covert narcissists simply don't enter into experiences that would naturally elicit an emotional reaction i remember one person who had a family member who died and they spoke about it to this covert narcissist
09:55
and the the narcissist said oh i'm so sorry that's it no follow-up questions know how is all this going or how is this impacting you or tell me about the circumstances uh it could be that uh then something good happened to you and rather than entering into that experience it's like okay well you know that happened to me last week and they minimized and and that's the lack of empathy but the gaslighting part is you're left thinking do you just not care about me am i just
10:26
not that significant and again that keeps them in their place where they feel like they're better than you so as you're able to see this pattern and tendency uh let me offer just a few thoughts about how you can respond and then we'll rap and that is first and foremost consider the source these are individuals who don't really want to engage well in relationships because keep in mind one of the things that narcissists especially covert narcissists fear greatly and that
10:57
is they fear being vulnerable they don't want to open themselves up they don't want to connect in a way where you know their deepest darkest issues and so they're they're fear-based people and by keeping you confused that allows them to kind of stay on the outside looking in and then another thought is whatever you do do not plead your case with a covert gaslighting narcissist you know why are you being so moody or it'd be nice to get a smile from you every now and then don't go there because now you know what
11:29
they're hearing i have another opportunity to gaslight you because that's what they do instead know your truth about yourself they want you to feel confused about you but when you know that you have good character and good intentions let that be enough and you're going to need to separate yourself off the the most difficult aspect and this goes back to my opening comments of dealing with the covert gas lighter is up front you tend not to realize what's
12:00
going on until you're deeply into it because there's so many hidden elements and you know nuanced kind of ways that they're communicating with their hidden messages but ultimately you're going to need to keep your distance once you're on to it you see it's like okay i can't afford to go in there and up unfortunately i can't really afford to care that much instead keep in mind you know the people i need to hang out with and get my good vibes from are those that are on team healthy that's the team i'm on and
12:31
if the narcissist can't join me there so be it i'm not going to enter into their game of confusion i'm on to you and i do hope that videos like this give you some good insight and awareness that you can use in your personal life that's why we do this if you've not already hit that subscribe button i would encourage you to do so and by the way i think when you hit that subscribe button the bell will come up and hit that so that the notifications can come we'd like to keep you apprised of more videos if you have a need to talk about these kinds of things with a
13:01
counselor i would strongly encourage you to do so obviously that's my career that's what i do if you have someone in your general area i would encourage you to seek that person out and if you don't we have a link below to a sponsor that offers online counseling it's a whole team of licensed professional experienced counselors that can help you and if you need to you can use that link and they'll they'll be there for you in addition we have our uh website surviving narcissism dot tv dr les carter dot com
13:31
also my free to be a video workshop in class so that's very extensive and we put a lot of effort into putting it out there uh six different modules with many different lessons and if that's something you'd be interested in uh there's a link below for that in addition we have links for our books and i think we have some new t-shirts and mugs so uh check that out too don't get caught in the the covert narcissist game playing uh know who you are know your truth and live in it and then when they imply you're not um
14:03
you're not doing things well enough consider the source and then move on with your confidence and your self-respect intact that's what i want for you [Music] you

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