Subtitles prepared by human
What’s good playas? This week we chiefin some of dat Middle Earth scroll with The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien. Down in the hood of Bag End lives a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins. Now hobbits be little shorties that don’t like to do nothin but keep it chill and get they grub on. One day, some nappy wizard name of Gandalf drops in at his crib rollin 13 dwarves deep. Gandalf and the head dwarf, Thorin, ask if Bilbo wanna go on an adventure. Turns out some punk ass dragon named Smaug dun boosted all dem dwarves' bling and be shackin on their turf over at the Lonely Mountain. So they bout to go lay a whoop on that dragon, know what I mean? But Bilbo don’t wanna do sh*t except stay home, smoke some trees, and take it easy. So Gandalf and his boys have ta get that fool’s ass in gear. Now after scrappin with some weak-ass trolls and chillin with some pointy- eared playas, Bilbo and his peeps roll up to the Misty Mountains, where some Goblins start beefin with his boys, making everyone scatter across the mountain. Lost in the tunnels, Bilbo finds a phat ring just chillin on the ground.
Then he peeps some chanky scrub named Gollum creepin on his sh*t. After serving this fool up, Bilbo uses the ring’s invisibility power to escape the tunnels and meet back up with his crew. Seeing how Bilbo be struttin like a boss, them dwarves be giving him mad respect. Then all dem playas arrive at the Lonley Mountain where Smaug be chillin with his stash. Bilbo puts on the ring, sneaks into the dragon’s lair, and boosts some of his ice. When Smaug realize that somebody be gankin his swag, he goes hyphy in this bitch and starts tearing up the nearby towns where he gets his sh*t wrecked by some playa named Bard. Now that Smaug be dead, them humans say “Yo. Since the dragon jacked up our crib, we want some o dat cheddar.” But Thorin be all like “Naw blood. I ain’t givin y'all sh*t.” So them homies bout to war with the dwarves when Gandalf drops in and says “Break yoself fool! Wargs and goblins bout to brawl up in here!” So all them playas -men, elves, and dwarves- strap up and wreck them haters. But in the end, Thorin gets shanked.
On his death bed, Thorin goes out like a G and admits to Bilbo that he been actin a fool. Then Bilbo takes only the cash he can carry, and finds his way home back to Bag End. There and Back Again, ya heard? At the beginning of this book, Bilbo be actin like a little ol bitch cuz he ain’t got the balls to get off his hairy ass and get his adventure on. I’m just sayin. But as things start gettin real, Bilbo ups his game and starts keepin it gangsta. Like when he saves the dwarves from them crusty-ass spiders, he not only clockin some mad courage, but he straight up sacrificing himself to draw them spiders away from his boys. So by the end, shorty don’t WANNA be a thug, he straight-up IS one. Look, if you wanna get this sh*t all the way turnt up, you best recognize the importance of “Dragon Sickness.” A term Tolkien using to describe Smaug’s obsession with dat phat cash. When Bilbo and his posse roll up to the Lonely Mountain, they find that the all dat once green land is now all busted up. But it ain’t all about the physical aspect, my man. Nah, this here detail serves as a metaphor for the destructive nature of greed, homeboy.
In fact, all dem homies get a little taste of dragon sickness. For example, Thorin be sippin too much of that haterade when dem elves ask him for some cash to rebuild their crib. So when big daddy dwarf gets merced in the end, he ain’t got nobody to blame but himself. If you think this idea of greed and self-destruction only apply to the dragon and Thorin, you just ain’t doin it big, son. When dem trolls get their asses turned to stone, it ain’t because Gandalf whooping them. Nah, blood. It’s the trolls’ tendency to fight amongst themselves that allows Gandalf to bust em up. So on the real, them trolls are undone by they own evil. And if you wanna keep it triple OG up in here, you best peep the thematic connections between this book and “The Ring Cycle” by my man Richard Wagner. Consider these two quotes, son. At the end of The Hobbit, that fool Thorin finally realizes that stackin phat cash means you droppin other values like courage and wisdom. Yet, in Das Rheingold, my boy Richie Dub sayin that you can only make bank if you drop dem values first. It’s like they preachin the same cold truth, cept backwards. Naw mean?
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